


Hostage

by NightOwl24



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Background Kuroken - Freeform, Did I say angst?, Drug Use, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, So much angst, Unrequited Crush, at least at the beginning, background hinayachi, cause there is angst, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2020-01-31 13:58:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 50,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18592666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightOwl24/pseuds/NightOwl24
Summary: Kageyama Tobio had always been broken and bruised; hidden behind an stoic expression. The fears and anxieties have been slowly eating at his mind way more lately. He thought leaving behind his past and moving on would help, but nothing could prepare him for running into Iwaizumi Hajimi, the guy he has been in love with since he can remember.





	1. The Prescription

It was a chilly morning. The light from the sun came through the blinds and the soft breeze kissed the skin of the man occupying the bed. Frowning over the lose of sleep, the young man covered his face with his blanket and prayed for the sun to leave him alone.

The heaviness in his eyes and limbs soothed him into sleep once again, till the blazing sound of an alarm woke him up.

“Ugh” He thought “That’s right… first day of school.”

With extreme tiredness, the man threw the covers to the side and sat up in the bed. His usually well combed hair was sticking at odd angles with his white tank top riding a little over his torso, leaving his belly button on sight. Dark blue eyes opened and started at the wall in front of him. His mind felt fuzzy and he felt heavy, and with a sigh he turned off the alarm and stood up.

Walking to the bathroom, he started going through his morning routine.

Use the toilet, brush teeth, take a shower, put on clothes, brush hair, eat cereal with milk, take pills. His brain was used to the routine, the routine made it tolerable, the routine made him feel grounded. Usually, after the morning routine, he would go to work or the park to practice volleyball; but, no, not today. Preparation, new routine, new schedule, new normal.

Pens, pencils and markers. Checked.

Notebook and books needed for the first day. Checked.

Water bottle and snacks. Checked.

Wallet with cash and cards. Checked.

Keys to the apartment. Checked.

Backpack full of things previously mentioned. Checked.

He looked at himself in the mirror one last time, nervous of making a full out of himself on his first day. Skinny black jeans, white shirt, and a red flannel shirt over it, red snickers and a black beanie. The black bracelets on his wrist were set, covering the scars underneath.

A long sigh escaped his mouth, and grabbing his backpack, he left the comfort of his apartment to go to his first day of college.

 

First class was biology. Not his favorite subject, but then again, school has never been one thing he had been good at. It wasn’t till he was told he wouldn’t be able to go pro in volleyball because of his anxiety and panic attacks, that it had hit him like a slap to the face.

“I’m sorry, Kageyama. You have potential and could probably be one of the best, but if you do this, your mental health may be your own burden. Take care of yourself.”

They had told him sorry over and over again. Closing doors in his face with pitying looks. Kageyama hated pity, and so he had known then, his whole plan had to change. He had never thought his life will not have volleyball on it. It was only logical; volleyball was the only thing he enjoyed, why would he choose another path?

His third of high school was even looking as if his future would be bright. Multiple prefectures had started taking notice of him, as the vice-president of the Karasuno team—the school that was born from the concrete and manage to beat the best of the best—and his natural talent and ability had kept developing. His team had become his family, something he would never think he could have after the fiasco at middle school, but there they were. People were actually looking up to him, he had friends who had lunch with him and called him to go out in the weekends, even his grades hadn’t been as terrible as before. And then it happened.

Kageyama thought it was normal, that as long as he could deal with it by himself, he would be fine. It was during a match, because of freaking course it was, when everything started falling apart. A few months before, he had started to feel kind of paranoid lately, as if he had a battery in his back that wouldn’t turn off and a voice in his head that kept telling him to _move, move, you are going to die if you stop, move, practice more, do more, be more or you will die_. He hadn’t been able to sleep for longer that three hours a night, and he couldn’t stop moving. He was always on high alert, to the point that his family and close friends had asked him if he was okay. He had said he was fine, of course he was fine, he was just tired. Too much homework, too many chores, a lot of things to worry over. He thought he could fool them, as he was fooling himself.

The first time it happened, he was in class. He had caught someone looking at him and mumbled under their breath “That’s the king of the court, he is kind of weird” and he had started thinking that he must hate him, people still hated him, people remembered the monster he had been and he could never be anything else. And he had no friends, people were only with him for pity. How could anyone want to be around someone as awkward and pathetic as him? Voices kept mumbling in his mind, and he could not shut them up, he could not ignore them anymore, and they were getting louder and louder. They were screaming at him. His vision got blurry and his hands started shaking, and he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He had stood up and ran out of the classroom as fast as his legs could take him; the voice of his professor fading in the distance.

Short breaths and trembling hands had grabbed the handle to the bathroom and had rushed inside. The door had closed behind him and he had fallen on his knees. He couldn’t breathe, his throat kept closing itself and his vision betrayed him. Was he going to die? _Breathe, Tobio, breathe._

It had felt like hours had passed before he could feel air filling his lungs again. He had stayed there, on his knees, for what felt like forever. Recovering his breath and trying to calm down. His legs felt heavy and yet they couldn’t hold the weight of his body. Slowly, he had stood up and had looked at himself in the mirror. Red face with tears running through it, blue eyes that couldn’t focus and seemed dead, and his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. But he was alive. He was breathing. He was okay.

He had told himself he could manage. He could deal with the insomnia, he could deal with the voices reminding him of his sad reality, he could deal with the shaking hands and the blurry vision, he could deal with the feeling of going 100 miles/hours in a 25 miles/hour street, he could deal with the fears and the nightmares, he could deal with the random overflow of emotions that grasped his throat and made him fall to his knees. He could deal, he would be okay. He didn’t need anyone else to know, he could deal.

And then, that match happened. They were losing, and he couldn’t concentrate for the life of him. He felt like he couldn’t stop moving and his limbs ached, his throat hurt, and his eyes felt heavy. He had been so lost that he had started doing terrible tosses, even to Hinata. It was the end of the second set, and he had practically given away the last point to the other team because he had tossed the ball with the wrong velocity, and Hinata had missed. Everyone had been exhausted and on edge, it was the match that decided if they went to nationals or not, and he was screwing it up.

Hinata had turned to him, red face and angry eyes. “What the hell is your problem today, Kageyama?! We are losing, and you are clearly not helping. If you can’t manage to do your job, you should just go sit down. I think we can manage without you.” He had told him to sit down and leave the match. Kageyama felt his throat tighten. He didn’t want to play with him anymore. He looked around at his team, all of them exhausted and breathing heavily. All of them avoiding his gaze. They didn’t want to play with him anymore. Nobody wanted to play with the King of the court. But Kageyama was trying, he had changed, he had changed, he had changed! _Not enough_ , the voice had said, _it will never be enough_.

His legs gave out and he had fallen. He couldn’t listen to what was going on, because he couldn’t breathe anymore. The now familiar feeling of a hand grasping at his heart and pulling while his lungs struggled to consume air enveloped him once again. Shaking hands, blurry vision, short breaths. Someone had grabbed his face and they must have been screaming his name, but he couldn’t hear, he couldn’t breathe. Had the game stopped? Did he ruin it again?

And then blackness.

He had woken up in the infirmary surrounded by his fellow third years. The bright orange hair of Hinata is the first one that caught his attention. He was red in the face and Kageyama could tell he had been crying. Hinata had cried once he looked at him and had repeatedly asked for forgiveness, saying he didn’t mean to upset him that much. It wasn’t his fault Kageyama was broken, but he couldn’t speak yet. And then he noticed his mother next to him with tears in her face. Anxiety and panic attacks. What he was going through had a name, and apparently, he was not completely crazy, just broken. Rest, they had told him, while giving his mother a paper with prescribed medications. Pills, he had to take pills now because his own mind was working against him. How pathetic. Therapist, they had said, and he had been forced to go.

“You have to leave the main source of stress and, in your case, I think it’s volleyball.” They told him to quit volleyball. Kageyama screamed, cried, and hit at anything within his reach. But nobody listened. They had told him it was for his own good, and that after high school, he would have to stop playing volleyball. His word now meant nothing. No one trusted someone who is crazy. No one trusted Tobio anymore. His parents had started babying him, and his friends had started treating him as if he were made of glass. He hated it. He hated it so much.

Of course, his life had always been pathetic and just when he felt he could enjoy it, the rug was pulled from underneath his feet and he fell face first on the ground. You can choose something else, Tobio, his parents had told him, as if was so easy to let go of his dream, as if he could possibly stop dreaming of setting the ball to amazing players and reaching victory in every match.

Graduation had come as quick as the year had started. Too quick. His friends had hugged him and wished him the best. He was going to go to the University of Tokyo, after all. Maybe his pathetic life and dumb brain had managed to give him one last good thing before ruining his life forever. Hinata was going to go pro, and he was so jealous. He was happy for his friend, but it was not fair. It was not fair. That was his dream, and now, that was all it could ever be; a stupid dream.

Physical therapy had been one major he had chosen in his desperate need to be around sports, in some way. If he couldn’t play because his brain was broken, maybe he could help those whose bodies were broken. At least those were fixable.

Hinata had promised him he would keep in touch, and he had. But the schedule of a pro player is busy, and Kageyama couldn’t suppress the pain in his chest whenever Hinata texted him about how amazing it was to be playing with all of those pro players, or how big the gyms they had been practicing had been, or how he wished he was there. Kageyama wished he had been there too.

Yachi had been the other third year who had kept in contact with him. After his extremely pathetic panic attack at the match, Yachi had been one of the few people who talked to him and seemed to understand. She had hugged him, with him keeping his arms awkwardly at his side, and had told him that it would be okay, that he was still amazing and the same Kageyama Tobio everyone knew and loved. It didn’t make it easier, especially since he never believed her words, but it made him smile. Yachi had told him that he could talk to her when things got too hard, and though he had never done it, she had never stopped texting him about mundane things and how her life was going now that she was studying to become a designer.

His parents had made a big deal when he had told them he would be leaving for Tokyo, but they had eventually accepted it. There were tearful goodbyes and stern last words of not forgetting his medication and talking to them at least once each week. He needed to take a pill to work like a normal human being, weird. So weird.

Tokyo was huge. He had gotten to see it when he had come there on volleyball tournaments, but now, he wouldn’t be leaving. It felt surreal. He had gotten there two weeks before school started to look for a job and settle into his new apartment. Kageyama’s new place was a small apartment, but he liked it. It was his. After job searching for a week, he had finally managed to find a job at a public library. It was fitting and Kageyama felt good about it, because people can’t scream in libraries, and he would manage to keep his anxiety to a minimum.

Walking through campus, Kageyama noticed the different type of students the University had. All of them looked so happy; laughing while walking to their respective classrooms. Friends. Friends he didn’t have, and he could probably guess he wouldn’t have. The only reason he had managed to find friends in high school was because of volleyball, and now that that was gone, he basically had no way of meeting people.

Kageyama went inside the science building and started looking for room 180. It was hard to walk fast with the sea of people pushing each other in the corridors, but he managed to keep the shaking of his hands to a minimum and found his classroom.

As it was a general class, the classroom was huge, basically an auditorium. Voices and conversations mixed together while he walked to the middle of the auditorium and looked for a seat. He sat down next to a couple who were too preoccupied eating each other’s faces to notice his presence. People all around him were vividly talking and laughing, and he was sitting alone in silence. He hoped the professor would come soon.

His prayers were answered because not even five minutes later, the professor came in. He had white hair and glasses, and Kageyama had to suppress a smile because the professor looked like Albert Einstein without the mustache.

“Hello class, my name is Dr. Hashimoto, and I will be your professor for Biology 101 this semester.” The room had become quiet as soon as Dr. Hashimoto walked in, and when he started speaking, he demanded a sense of respect. “We will learn the basic principles of biology, and I will have my TAs pass around the syllabus in a minute. Because this is a big class, I have 4 TAs that have been assigned depending on your last name, and here I will be introducing each one of them.”

Kageyama kept his gaze at the front of the class and listened intently. He knew the first semester was going to be a pain for him, so even if he hated human interaction, he knew he would be going to the TAs in his classes to look for help or he would fail them all.

“So, let me introduce your TAs. From last names starting from A to F, your TA would be Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo, please introduce yourself.” A guy with messy black hair and a mischievous smile stood up, and Kageyama’s eyes opened wide. He remembered that guy! That was the scheming captain from Nekoma high school back in his first year at Karasuno. Kageyama had always thought his team was amazing, and had genuinely though highly of the captain, even if he hadn’t been able to meet him personally. He never knew what happened to him or the other three years, but he never thought he would see him again in college.

“Sup everyone. My name is Kuroo Tetsurou. I am a chemist major, in my third year. I have been working with professor Hashimoto for a year now and I can tell you this man is amazing. He may look old and grumpy, but he is great.” A few snickers were heard around the room, while Dr. Hashimoto shook his head, but surprisingly, didn’t seem angry. “But anyway, you people from A to F should consider yourselves lucky to have me as your TA. You can ask me whatever you want, and even people from other last names are welcome to ask me anything because I know the other TAs are not as cool as me.” And with a wink and a salute, Kuroo sat down while the class clapped. Kageyama only stared and was impressed at his actions. He could never do any of that in front of three people, let alone a full class. Kuroo Tetsurou was truly an interesting man, but Kageyama couldn’t help but sigh in relief at not having him as his TA. He didn’t think he could manage to have meetings with someone so intimidating and out there, especially since he remembered the guy and Kuroo probably didn’t.

“Okay, thanks Kuroo, you are always a delight to listen to.”

“My pleasure, Dr. Hashimoto!”

“Anyway, the next TA will be working with those with last names from G to L. Please come introduce yourself.”

Kageyama’s ears perked up at that and he waited to see who his TA would be. A guy sitting in the front row stood up. He could see the spiky black hair and the way his muscles moved under the shirt. The guy seemed athletic and Kageyama couldn’t help but stare. It had been years since he found out he liked men rather than women. His first crush in middle school made him realize that he spent more time focusing on the strength of muscle arms and water dripping down strong jaws, rather than glossy lips and soft curves. He had always been rather awkward, so he never did anything when he found out he liked someone—the only person he is able to say he ever had romantic feelings for—and he only ignored it. It never quite left, but it had been years since he last saw him, so it got better.

The guy turned around and Kageyama felt the familiar tighten of his chest and grasping of his heart. Green eyes started back at him, and the other hundred students in the class, and a tender smile appeared in that sun kissed face. That beautiful face that Kageyama hadn’t seen in years but had never really stopped wondering about.

“Hey everyone! My name is Iwaizumi Hajime. I am a physical therapy major, also a third year, and I have been a TA for six months. I hope to meet all of you, even if I am not as cool as Kuroo here.” The class filled with laughter, but Kageyama couldn’t focus on anything but the man standing at the front of the class.

Iwaizumi Hajime. The man that had clouded Tobio’s dream since he was 13. Iwaizumi had always been nice to him, even when everyone treated Kageyama like he was a weirdo and Oikawa-san seemed to despise him. Even if Iwaizumi was Oikawa’s best friend, he had always been on Kageyama’s side. He had always smiled when Kageyama managed to learn a new trick, he had given him a water bottle when Kageyama struggled to catch his breath, and he had patted his head whenever Kageyama felt frustrated. After the night Oikawa had almost punched Kageyama, Iwaizumi had sat down next to his trembling form and put his arm around him. Kageyama hadn’t been able to lift his face from his knees, scared of rejection and hate. He couldn’t understand why Oikawa-san hated him so much, he had never done anything for him to feel that way, had he? _Why did people always hate him?_ Feeling Iwaizumi’s arm around him made him flinch, afraid of actually being punch.

“Kageyama” He had said. Iwaizumi always spoke with a confident and strong voice, but that time his voice had been soft, almost like a whisper. “Kageyama, please look at me.”

Kageyama had lifted his eyes and looked at Iwaizumi. He saw the sweet and tender smile, barely a lift of his lips, but enough to light up a room.

Iwaizumi had extended his other hand and wiped away his tears. Kageyama hadn’t even notice he had been crying till Iwaizumi touched his face. The gym was so quiet, the soft breeze of the night brushing their hair and the light of the moon as their only witness.

“I’m really sorry about Oikawa.” Iwaizumi had been so close that their breaths had mingled together, and Kageyama felt light headed. “He really can be a pain in the ass, but he is not a bad guy. I know it may not seem that way now, but he was just frustrated at himself and he took it out on you. I know that is not excuse, but please, smile.”

Kageyama hadn’t been able to say anything. Too awestruck to speak. He had been so scared, and yet, here was one of the men he looked up to, wiping the tears off his face, holding him close, and telling him to smile.

Kageyama felt the corners of his lips turned upward, and the smile he got in return was so worth it.

“There he is.” Iwaizumi had dropped the hand that was holding his cheek and had pulled Kageyama into a hug. “You are amazing, Kageyama, and if I could teach you how to toss I would, but you can do it. You have natural talent; anyone can see that.” Kageyama had hugged Iwaizumi close and buried his face on the crook of his neck. They had stayed like that till the little whimpers Kageyama was letting out stopped, and he regained the strength on his legs. Iwaizumi hadn’t let go of him.

After that, it hadn’t been long till Kageyama realized the feelings he felt towards Iwaizumi were no longer just of respect and adoration. He had caught himself multiple times looking at how he laughed, the way his eyes sparkled when he hit the ball while he was in the air, or how he always seemed to be annoyed at Oikawa but had a deep interest on his wellbeing, how much he cared for all of them. Kageyama started wondering if he could ever be as close as Oikawa was to Iwaizumi, and he felt angry because Oikawa-san had everything he wanted, and confused because _did he want Iwaizumi?_

Once he started accepting that yes, he liked Iwaizumi-san, the third years graduated. And then he never really got to have another deep conversation with him (God knows Oikawa-san did not let him approach his precious Iwa-chan if he could help it). But Kageyama never forgot about him. He would go see him in tournaments and smile when he saw how excited he was at winning a game. But he was sure, Iwaizumi had forgotten him. Kageyama was just another one of his under classmates, no one special. Too bad he had meant so much more for Kageyama.

And now, the man who had never really left his mind was standing in front of him. Smiling and happy, just as Kageyama remembered it.

Oh, he was so screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is, my first IwaKage fanfic.  
> I usually have various ideas running through my mind, and so it was hard to choose where to begin, but I noticed that there aren't really long stories about this pair (not with oikawa included) and I thought that was unacceptable as they are so freaking adorable. You cannot tell me Kageyama didn't have a big fat crush on Iwaizumi while they were in middle school (to be fair, who didn't?) and so this happened. I hoped you enjoyed this first chapter, I will keep writing now that I have more time!  
> -Also, go listen to "Hostage" by Billie Eilish, she is a queen and her song is the inspiration for the title-


	2. Broken Memories

Kageyama had tried to pay attention to the rest of the lecture, he really had. But how can someone expect him to pay attention to the theory of evolution when that beautiful man was right freaking there?

As soon as the bell signaled the end of class, Kageyama took his things and ran out the door. There was no freaking way he was going to stay in that room when Iwaizumi freaking Hajime was there, and he might be able to see him. He was not ready to face the man after so many years. Not that he would recognize him, but still.

His next class was English. His fateful nemesis. Without Yachi or Tsukishima explaining the class to him, he was sure he would be screwed. But nothing he could do about that now; even if the course was an unnecessary pain, he had to take it. Stupid English.

Still feeling dazed from the last class’ encounter, Kageyama sat down in the first empty seat he could find, not caring if there was anyone beside him.

He rested his head on his crossed arms and looked at the board at the front of the room. It felt like it was mocking him. The image of Iwaizumi kept going over in his mind, and he couldn’t shake it off. The voices in his head started getting louder and he could hear the light buzz in his ears.

_He never really liked you, you know. He probably doesn’t even remember who you are._

The white light suddenly felt too bright and the laughter of the other students became too loud. Kageyama was so tired of hearing the voices in his head. They just kept getting louder, and louder. He wanted them to stop. His life had become such a joke. He couldn’t even manage to shut his own fears over someone who he hadn’t seen in years. That didn’t stop the intensity of the pain tugging at his heart, telling him to fear, to run away, to escape and never come back.

He felt the hand on his shoulder before his mind adjusted to the foreign voice ringing in his ears. Kageyama looked to his left and saw a guy with spiky red hair, and striking eyes of the same color. The raised eyebrow and the cocky smile pulled at Kageyama’s tired heart, and the buzzing in his ear started fading letting the strong voice of the guy being the only sound he could focus on.

“Well, well, if it isn’t the interesting half of the freak duo. Never thought I would run into you here.” The mocking tone sounded so familiar to Kageyama. It was a voice he hadn’t heard in three years, a voice he hadn’t thought of till it was ringing in his ears again, the same way it had been three years ago. Tendou Satori, was it? The Guess Monster. “Well, say something, pretty boy, or should I guess you don’t remember me?”

Kageyama felt trapped, as he often did when he was interacting with other human beings that were not Hinata or Yachi. _Or Iwaizumi_. Shut up, I haven’t talk to him in years. _You sure think of him, though_. Shut up! Why won’t you just leave me alone.

Kageyama shook his head to help the voice leave his mind. How is it that he was taking his pills and the voices just wouldn’t shut up? He still couldn’t sleep, and he still felt heavy and lost most of the time. Maybe he was just so broken not even the drugs could help him. That’s probably it.

He tried to regain control of his thoughts and looked at Tendou again. His cocky smile was still in place, but he looked confused now. Most people always looked like that when talking to Kageyama, he was weird, so he was used to it. He knew he had to say something, he had been quiet for too long, he had to say something. _Say something, you idiot!_

“Are you okay? You look kind of pale.” Great, now a complete stranger was looking at him with what he hated the most: pity.

“I’m fine” Kageyama said, listening to how hoarse his voice sounded because he hadn’t use it in a while. _Pathetic._ “I’m sorry. I do remember you. You were one of the third years in Shiratorizawa.”

“That is right!” Tendou said, his voice so loud Kageyama had to shudder at the sound. “So, you do remember me, pretty boy. The name is Tendou Satori.”

“I know. I’m Kageyama Tobio.”

Tendou took the seat next to Kageyama and it took everything in his power to not leave right then. He couldn’t speak to him; he couldn’t speak to anyone. Kageyama was sure going to ruin anything, and he was not looking forward to making a bigger fool out of himself in front of the familiar stranger. He put his hands underneath the table and over his lap and started wiggling his fingers. The movement did little to calm his nerves, but he had some control over something, he had control over the movement of his fingers. He was grounded. He was grounded.

“I never thought I would find you in college; I thought for sure you and the shrimp would go pro. What are you doing here?” The easy smile indicated Kageyama that Tendou’s words were not supposed to make him feel uncomfortable, he was merely curious. That didn’t make it any easier.

“I—” You have to answer, Kageyama told himself, just answer. “I decided not to.” It was technically true, he had decided not to because he was forced to not do the one thing that brought meaning and happiness in his life, because apparently, he couldn’t control his freaking mind; but Tendou didn’t need to know the whole story. He was sure nobody knew the full story, expect for maybe his parents, and it was better that way. It wouldn’t change anything for him to share his stupid problems to people, he still couldn’t play volleyball and he still had to take pills every freaking morning.

Tendou raised his eyebrow once again, but this time his smile seemed more genuine. It was as he was hiding something behind that smile, something that he knew about Kageyama. It was impossible, he had barely talked to the guy; and yet.

“Well, that’s cool. I also quit volleyball after high school, and here I am now, studying Literature out of all things.” Tendou laughed and this time it sounded different; lighter, as he was not actually suppressing his feelings. He looked back at Kageyama then, with those sharp and calculating eyes, and Kageyama wen completely still. “How about you?”

Confused at the sudden change in his voice, Kageyama took a while to answer and decided to study the face of the man in front of him. He was rather interesting looking. He looked intimidating, but he also seemed kind. He remembered the guy whose face contorted into a satisfied smirk when he saw despair in his opponents’ eyes’, but also remembered the silly guy who called the stoic Ushijima his best friend. How is it possible to have two personalities so different from one another? Tendou Satori sure was an interesting guy.

“It’s my first day here. I am majoring in physical science.”

“Oh, cool!” The smile didn’t seem fake anymore. “And I bet you are just taking this class because of a general?”

“Yeah.”

“Well then, if you are going to be here, and I am going to be here, we should be class buddies!”

Silence, tight and dense silence is what followed Tendou’s statement. Buddies? Was this guy asking him to be… friends? What did he want? Why would he want to be with Kageyama? It didn’t make sense. So many thoughts flew through Kageyama’s mind, confusing him even farther, and the only thing he could manage to say was:

“Why?”

Tendou looked back at him with the same confused look from earlier. Had he said something weird? He just wanted to know why someone was willingly approaching him and asking to become his “buddy”, even if it was just for a class. It didn’t make sense.

Tendou shook his head and said, “Why not?”

No other explanations or any other words after that, he just said why not. Tendou Satori was really an interesting guy, wasn’t he?

The rest of the class went by quickly and it felt like a blur in Kageyama’s mind. He couldn’t focus, but at least, he could breathe. He was okay. He was okay.

At the end of class, Tendou had taken his phone and saving his number, later sending a quick text to himself and saving Kageyama’s own number. He had said “See you around, pretty boy, let’s hang out sometime” and had left. Kageyama held his phone tightly in his hand and decided that this was how his life was going to be now. New routine, Tobio, get used to it.

He had a small break before his last class of the day, so Kageyama decided to go buy something to eat. Kageyama didn’t tend to eat a lot, he just wasn’t hungry. Most people eat three meals a day, Kageyama only ate breakfast, milk for lunch, and whatever he had in his house for dinner, which usually was an apple or a cookie. He just didn’t feel like his body needed the food, he didn’t do a lot now that volleyball was out of his life anyway, so food was just a necessity to stay alive, but nothing he needed to be careful of anymore. And even if he ate three proper meals, he later would feel full and disgusted, so heavy. Logically, Kageyama knew that wasn’t true, and that he probably needed full meals, but as long as he was moving and breathing, he was fine. There wasn’t anyone telling him what to do now. Just the voices in his head.

The cafeteria was noisy. People were all over campus talking, laughing, running, screaming. It was a lot of noise. Kageyama has never liked the noise. He didn’t want to make the long line behind loud people, or stay in the tables where he would look like a weirdo by sitting by himself, so he went to the vending machine, bought a cartoon of chocolate milk and tried to find a lonely spot where he would be able to be alone and not feel like pariah.

He found a little spot behind a tree and sat there. He needed to go to his last class, and then he was off to work. The library was not loud, the library was fine. Classes were loud, people were noisy, and his ears never stop buzzing. His head hurt. Why did his head hurt? The sun was too bright, the laughs were too loud, the ringing in his ear intensified.

_Are you going to have an attack on your first day of school, could you be any more of a loser?_

The voice came with vengeance. Shut up, shut up, shut up!

_Are you going to run away now?_

Kageyama covered his ears and didn’t notice that he had started to rock back and forth. The hardness of the tree behind him gave him a sense of reality, but it seemed like the world was slowly fading. Except for the noise and the voices, they just kept getting louder.

Breathe, he said to himself, breathe and calm down, Kageyama.

_Look at your pathetic self. Do you really think anyone would want to be with someone like you? Your parents left your in Tokyo to get rid of you, you only ever talk to two of your so-called friends. They will forget about you too._

That’s not true. My parents love me, my friends like me… I am okay.

_No, you are not. How can you expect them to like you when you can’t even like yourself?_

Kageyama pressed the palm of his hands harder over his ears and prayed for them to stop. He couldn’t understand why this kept happening, he had been taking his medication, he stopped playing volleyball, he went to college and got a job like a normal human being. Then why. Why did the voices in his head keep screaming at him and the sense of reality was being lost through his fingers?

_What would people say if they saw you like this? You are so disgusting. Why are you even alive? Just kill yourself, you would be doing a favor to everyone._

His throat started to close, and his legs started to tremble. Shudder. Was it cold? Why did it feel cold? The sun was too bright, he couldn’t hear anything anymore. It hurt. Where was he now? It hurt.

_Open your eyes, loser. You will never be anything. Just finish the job you started and cut those wrists and let it bleed._

Kageyama kept his eyes closed, pressing harder and harder till it hurt. His lips started shaking and he could feel the tears on his face. The grip on his heart, as strong as it was painful. The tighten in his throat just kept getting tighter and tighter. He couldn’t breathe. Too loud, too bright. He couldn’t breathe.

_Come on, do something right and do it. Cut. Just cut and bleed out._

His throat hurt, and yet, he was screaming. He was screaming as loud as his lungs will let him. It hurt. His voice was hoarse and all he could feel was pain. He couldn’t stop screaming. It hurt. He couldn’t hear or see anything else but the taunting of the voices in his head. It hurt so much. And he couldn’t breathe.

_Scream, Tobio, scream as loud as you can. No one can hear you._

It hurt. He was asking for someone to come, someone to hear him, someone to help him. He was going crazy. He couldn’t breathe, his screams turn into whimpers.

A hand on his knee made him open his eyes. Touch. He hasn’t touch anyone in a long time. Was Kageyama imagining the soft touch of a hand on his knee? Had he become so pathetic and touch starved that he had started hallucinating about it? He opened his eyes, painfully slow, and saw bright yellow cat like eyes starting back at him. What was that look on their face? Was it worry? Concern? But, Kageyama didn’t know these yellow eyes, did he? What were they trying to do?

Kageyama tried to look down towards the face of the holder of those eyes, and he saw a tiny mouth moving. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, the ringing in his ear seemed to have gotten louder to the point he couldn’t hear anything but his own shaky gasping breaths and the voices that wouldn’t leave him alone.

Desperation. That was the feeling Kageyama had been feeling. He felt so useless and broken, and desperate. Desperate for air, desperate for the noise to stop, desperate for his legs to stop trembling, desperate for his chest to stop hurting, desperate for his hands to stop scratching his scalp and ears in a vague attempt at silencing the voices, desperate to stop feeling like a fucking freak-show.

Faintly, his ears adjusted to his surroundings. Maybe it was the touch of a hand, or the desperate need of escaping his own head, but Kageyama could hear the distant laughter and the soft voice speaking at him.

“Breathe. Just breathe. Look at me and copy my breathing. In and out. In and out.” The voice said, the lips of the yellow eyes moving and then Kageyama saw him inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. He could do that. In and out. In and out. It hurt. “Keep going, you are doing great” In and out. In and out.

The ringing kept subsiding and the voices seem to become quieter. His breaths slowly turned from desperate gasps of air to slower and more normal breaths. His eyes began to focus in the yellow eyes of the stranger, and he started to see the small nose, the shoulder-length hair put back in a bun, and the always moving mouth that kept telling him to breathe. He could do it, couldn’t he? He felt he could, he just needed to copy the movements in front of him.

“It’s going to be okay.”

The hand on his knee moving in soothing circles, the soft smile, the striking eyes. Painfully and slowly, but Kageyama could feel reality coming back to him. He lowered his hands by his side and kept breathing the way the stranger had told him to. The sun was still there, it was still to bright, it still hurt; and yet, he was okay. He was grounded.

The stranger kept the hand on his knee and sat with him. No more words were needed, they just sat there, they sat till Kageyama’s breaths turned normal and his eyes didn’t seem unfocused. The hand never left his knee, and Kageyama had to say, he was really thankful for that. The hand was tangible, it was real. Not like the voices in his head, those were there, and they were not.

“Can I sit next to you?” The stranger asked in a soft voice. So quiet that Kageyama thought he was imagining it at first, but his mouth was moving, so he knew it was real.

Kageyama couldn’t find his voice yet, his throat still hurt and felt like it was bleeding from his screaming and desperate gasps. He looked at the stranger once again and noticed the strangely familiar black and blonde hair. It reminded him of pudding. Kageyama nodded.

The guy beside him and put his back against the tree. He didn’t look at Kageyama or try to make small talk about what the hell had he been witnessed too. He just stayed with him. It had been a long time since Kageyama has felt so thankful for the mere presence of someone next to him. Words and deep conversations were nice, but it was during these times that he needed the grounding feeling of not being alone with his thoughts and this stranger that he knew nothing about had given it to him.

How ironic.

Moments passed; it could have been seconds or minutes, Kageyama wasn’t sure, but he felt the tug at his heart dissipate to let the cold breeze fill his lungs. His hands had stopped wiggling on his lap, and he could finally close his mouth and breathe through his nose. Kageyama looked beside him at the mysterious stranger that had basically safe his life.

“Thank you.” His voice sounded wrong. Too tired and quiet, but the stranger looked back at him and smiled softly.

“Don’t mention it, Kageyama.”

Kageyama’s thoughts stopped for a second because he was pretty sure he had never mentioned his name to the guy (to busy having a panic attack, you see) and yet the guy was smiling at him like he knew him from somewhere. Not like an old friend, but like an acquaintance that you have encountered multiple times before and have become friendly with. Interesting, Kageyama didn’t recall anything like that.

The stranger turned to face him directly. The soft smile still on his face even if he had probably noticed Kageyama’s confused face by now, the eyes never losing its sparkle.

“You are Shouyou’s friend, aren’t you? Karasuno’s setter?”

Kageyama’s eyes opened a little wider. The stranger knew him, he knew Hinata, and he knew about his story at Karasuno. Part of him felt happy that he could be recognized for his work in high school, and part of him felt burdened by the fact his past seemed to always follow him. Did the stranger also know about his middle school years? Did he know about how he had set the ball and it had fallen with a strong thud while the people he had called teammates had refused to acknowledge him? Did he know about the mocking nickname he had received because of his mistakes as a 14-year-old who didn’t know how to voice his feelings? Gosh, he just had a panic attack and it seemed that the tug at his heart was appearing once again.

Just nod, you idiot. Kageyama nodded once again, while the stranger never once wavered his gaze from his face. It felt as he was being studied under a microscope, as if this man could see each and every one of Kageyama’s secrets that he had kept hidden for so long.

“It’s okay. I am Kozume Kenma. I was the setter at Nekoma.”

And then, Kageyama remembered. How could he not have figured it out? Kozume-san didn’t look that different from what how he was in his high school day. The same striking and calculating eyes hidden behind the black and blonde hair, the same soft smile he had given only those who he had been close to (which were mainly Kuroo-san and Hinata) and the same lanky body that seemed fragile yet strong. The only memory he had of ever talking to him was when he had been mesmerized by the setter’s strong plays and had lose his cool while trying to talk to him, resulting in the smaller setter running away from him.

“Kozume Kenma.” Kageyama couldn’t stop the words from coming out. Weird. “You remember me?”

“Yeah.” Hinata had talked to Kageyama about Kozume-san before. Kageyama knew that apparently, Kozume-san hated small talk and being around people he found annoying (which were a lot of people), and that he could be found mostly looking at the little game console in his hands, seemingly ignoring the world around him. Hinata had also told Kageyama that despite what Kozume-san portrayed, he was a really good and caring friend. They had texted every day since meeting one another, and he had been friends with Kuroo-san since they were both children. Kozume-san didn’t have a lot of close friends, but those he had, he managed to always keep close.

“I-I’m sorry…” Embarrassment. Not only had he had to be saved by someone, but that someone had to be another player from his high school years that remembered him. He could almost hear the Gods above laughing at his misfortune.

Kozume-san scrunched his eyebrows slightly, showing his confusion.

“What are you sorry for?”

“For… hmm, having to have you-help me…” Kageyama looked down at his hands and his thumb started to wiggle once again. One, two, three times. Focus on the movement.

He felt the hand on his knee once again, as if asking without words for him to look up. The moment reminded him so much of that night with Iwaizumi. Gosh, he was pathetic, wasn’t he?

He looked up and saw that soft smile again, telling him so many things without words.

“No. Don’t be.”

And that was it. No more words, no more touches except for the firm presence of the hand on his knee, no more movements, no more thoughts. Kozume-san said that as if was so easy, as it was the logical thing to do. As if telling him he shouldn’t feel like a burden because of his attacks, for not being able to sleep at night, for not eating as much as he should, for not being good at school no matter how hard he tried, for the scars that were hidden behind the bracelets that would never fade, for the fact he could never play volleyball again because of his own mind betraying him, for not being able to ever forget someone he had meet 5 years ago. As if Kageyama was okay and it wasn’t his fault. As if he was someone worth staying for to save from his own mind.

Oh, how did Kageyama wished to believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this and managed to finish it in two days. Yay!  
> Thank you for the support I have been getting to continue this story. I am one writer that starts great and then slowly starts drying out, but I will try my hardest for that not too happen!  
> Thank you again, and I hope you liked this chapter. I am sorry I am making Kageyama suffer so much, but it will all make sense later. This chapter is more focused on him and his struggles, so I hoped I managed to pull it off.  
> 


	3. Everybody Wants To Rule The World

Hinata hadn’t been lying when he said Kozume-san was a great person. Quiet, but caring; he didn’t understand why the smaller guy had approached him. He could only imagine what he would have looked like to others when he was losing his mind, but he couldn’t remember a time someone had actually go over to him and walked him through the panic attack. Kagayema did ask Kozume-san why he had helped him, but Kozume-san had only said “Because I wanted to.” From what he knew about the guy he had always been a man of few words, but there was something behind those words that told Kageyama that he understood him, he didn’t know how far that understanding went, but it felt good to be able to feel that he wasn’t alone.

They hadn’t said much after that. Kageyama had never been one for talking, and Kozume-san wasn’t one for that either. He did tell Kageyama to stop calling him Kozume-san and call him Kenma instead, as he didn’t care for honorifics. But actually, doing that will take time, as he wasn’t used to acknowledge senpais without honorifics. Kenma. His name sounded nice. Kageyama could get used to it.

The panic attack had left him feeling tired. He had lost track of time and forgotten all about his last class. He took out his phone from his pocket and saw that yep, he had missed his last class. First day of classes and he had already managed to screw something up. Well, Kageyama guessed he will have to wait another day to learn about the periodic table.

It was getting late, and Kageyama needed to go to work. He had only been at the library for a week, and he knew he always messed up things in his life, but he couldn’t spare to ruin his job. He needed the money, and the quiet of the library and the stories in the thousands of books helped him quiet down the voices in his head.

Kozume-san, no, Kenma had taken his console and had started playing. It was weird to feel like someone was not speaking to you, or even looking at you for that matter, but the mere presence soothed you. Was that how Kuroo-san felt every time he hanged out with Kenma? Kageyama had seen them walk around speaking quietly before. Kuroo-san had been really different when he was around Kenma., he spoke softly, and he was calmer; as in different when he was with someone like Bokuto-san, but he always looked like he was being himself. From what he had seen, Bokuto-san was an earthquake of emotions (not that Kageyama could say much) and when he was with Kuroo-san they were loud and always making jokes. Kenma seemed to be always rolling his eyes at his antics, but that didn’t mean that he ever left Kuroo-san. They were apparently both inseparable, no matter what. Almost like Oikawa-san and Iwaizumi, both so different but yet always together.

_Maybe they were together. Maybe they have always been together._

Nope, nope. Kageyama was not going to let his mind cloud with those thoughts. He had spent most of his life jealous of Oikawa-san for multiple reasons, those that were known, like the fact that he was such an amazing setter, or that his team loved him so much; and those reasons that were not known like his relationship with Iwaizumi.

Kageyama shook his head, there was no time for him to be thinking of things like that. He needed to go to work. He couldn’t lose that job. He turned to look at Kenma.

“Hey, I need to go…” Was he supposed to say thank you, hope to see him again, or anything like that? He stood up slowly, still looking at Kenma “Hmm, thanks Kenma.”

Those piercing eyes turned to look at him back for only a second before going back to his game.

“I told you not to mention it, Kageyama.”

“Hmm, I hope to see you again?” It came out as a question, because well, Kageyama wasn’t sure that Kenma would want to see him again. Kenma would probably would never want to see Kageyama again, after all, he saw someone panicking and went over to help them, because Kenma was nice. What did normal people do in these kinds of situations? Did they ask for their number? Did they plan to meet somewhere else? How do people make friends again? Gosh, Kageyama was not good at this.

Kenma seemed to stop the game for a second and turn to fully looked at Kageyama.

“See you here tomorrow at the same time?” Was he asking Kageyama to meet with him again? As if they were friends meeting daily for their usual hour hangout. Did he actually wanted to see him again? It was all so weird.

“R-really?” It came out as a squeak. Pretty embarrassing to say the least, but well, Kageyama had already showed the guy his worst side so might as well add fire to the fuel.

“Yeah.”

Short and to the point, yeah, Kenma was nice. He thinks he could really use to get use having him around, if Kenma decides to stay that is.

“Okay, well, see you tomorrow, Kenma.”

Kenma nodded his head at him and went back to his game. It was time for him to go to work, so, with one last look, Kageyama went on his way to the public library.

The walk to the library wasn’t long. Kageyama knew he could take the subway to get there and it would only be a 10 min. ride but walking soothed Kageyama. He was able to feel the wind going through his hair, and he felt calm looking up at the sky. The sky today was blue, and the clouds were grey but sparse. Tokyo was noisy, full of life whether it was day or night, and even though noise bothers Kageyama, he could feel peace by walking. When he was walking in the street he felt in control, as if he could go anywhere, he wanted, no worries in the world.

Escape. Everyone needed an escape to survive living in this world. Kageyama’s escape use to be volleyball, it had always been volleyball, but now, he couldn’t do it anymore. Staying in his room with his own thoughts was not something he wanted to do more than he needed. So, now, there were not a lot of things he enjoyed. He felt like he was betraying volleyball if he started playing other sport, and no other sport could ever bring as much joy as volleyball did, he also didn’t think he could ever become a great player in any other sport. Studying has always come hard for him and so even though he had decided to come to college, it’s not like he would study for fun. Watching movies was fine, it distracted him, but it still meant being in his room alone and feeling trapped between those walls. Thus, why he chooses walking as his escape. The sky had always been nice, it reminded him of easier times when he was a kid and he loved to go to the park to throw the ball around. His mother had gone with him and he remembered that every time they were done playing, she would buy ice cream for him, and they would walk back home, hand in hand. Kageyama wondered if there had been a sign that he would turn out like this. He remembered loving volleyball, having fun in parks, and always having trouble speaking to other people; but, how could he know that he would grow up to become what he is now? Had he missed a sign? No point in wondering about it, he supposed, as there is nothing else to do, but learn to live the way he is.

The walk to the library took 30 min. Kageyama felt fine. Almost good. He had been so used to feeling panic over the littlest things that changed his routine, that it felt good to go somewhere familiar, somewhere safe and quiet.

His job at the library wasn’t anything spectacular. He was in charge of the counter and fixing the order of the books at slow times. The public library was small, not a lot of people liked to read hard cover books anymore, which Kageyama thought it was really a shame. His mother had always read books to him before going to bed, so he had learned to love the stories with dragons, wizards and superheroes. In those stories, evil never triumphed over good and the heroes always won. In those stories, he could travel anywhere he wanted. He could go to space, he could live in the sea, he could fly. Books were full of endless possibilities and he felt so happy.

Kageyama could see the library’s sign and realized he was really close to it. He walked a few minutes more and got in. From what he could see, there was a girl sitting at a table reading a book and another guy going over the different aisles looking for something. It was a rather soothing scene, the quietness of those who still appreciated the stories that came from amazing minds. Kageyama loved to see and hear the quiet. For him, quiet is soft breaths, the quiet brush of turning pages, the ticking of a clock; for him, quiet was a safe space.

He went to the counter and stayed there for a while. The two people he had seen before were still in their own little worlds, and Kageyama let a small smile show in his lips. The guy left without taking anything with him and the only person left was the girl. No one new walked in the library, and he had some new books to put in aisles, so he knew it was better to start. If someone needed him, they could ring the little bell at the counter.

He walked around the counter and took the books he needed to put in the aisles. Most of them were science fiction, like the classic Frankenstein, or Journey to the Center of the Earth by Jules Verne. The environment was quiet, cozy and comfortable. Kageyama liked to sing in his head while he was doing his job. His parents had taught him to learn to love old songs from way before he had been born, and he really taught the old songs were the best. This time, the song that was stuck in his head was Everybody wants to rule the world by Tears for Fears. Yeah, his English was crappy, but there was something different between music and school. Music was fun.

He started quietly humming the melody and tapping his foot following the beat in his head. No one was around him, so he didn’t feel so self-conscious about people seeing him as there wasn’t anyone that could see him. He started softly singing the song under his breath and brought his fist towards his mouth, pretending it was a microphone.

“Nothing ever lasts forever. Everybody wants to rule the world!” It felt good to be silly once in a while. Kageyama wouldn’t let anyone else see him when he was singing and dancing, but no one was around, so he let himself be wild for a bit. He started to turn around in a circle and sang a little louder than before. He had noticed that the girl was wearing headphones, so he felt like he could sing a little louder and she wouldn’t notice.

He put the books in their place and kept singing, moving around and spinning. He laughed a little bit. It had been too long since he had been able to let himself go, without caring what others thought of him.

“There’s a room where the light won’t find you. Holding hands while the walls come tumbling do—”

He hadn’t noticed anything while spinning around, and suddenly he felt something behind his back, and ended up in the floor surrounded by books. He had fallen on his butt and he heard something like an “Augh” softly coming from in front of him. It seemed he had been to space out that he hadn’t noticed someone had walked into the aisle he was and had accidentally crashed into one another, resulting in two people on the ground with books all over the place.

Kageyama closed his eyes after the crash, and he was holding his head with his hand, as it seemed he had ended up hitting the stranger with his head. How embarrassing.

“Man, I’m sorry, let me help you with that.”

Wait. That voice.

Kageyama opened his eyes painfully slow, as he was afraid of seeing what was awaiting in front of him. Maybe he had imagined the rough voice and he was only confusing it with someone else. Maybe he was still delirious from the fall and had started to listen to the voices in his head again. Yeah, that was it. There was no way—

Kageyama opened his eyes and he saw Iwaizumi Hajime in the floor, right in front of him. The spiky dark brown hair that looked the same after all those years, the beautiful emerald eyes that had strength hidden behind its orbs, the strong arm Kageyama had caught himself staring at way too many times, massaging his head. He was wearing a black tank top, which Kageyama thought it was just unfair for the rest of the world, and simple jeans ripped at the knees. He looked just as stunning as he had always looked, and he was so close this time that Kageyama could feel the beating of his heart in his ears.

Iwaizumi lifted his eyes from the ground, and they were finally seeing each other face to face after so many years. Kageyama didn’t know what to say, words wouldn’t come out and he just wanted to admire his face for a little bit more, till he inevitably stood up and left because he didn’t remember Kageyama the way he did. He was so perfect. He had missed having him around, listening to the rough and caring voice, or feeling the strong arms around his shoulders. God, it had been so long.

Iwaizumi’s eyes opened a little wider. Did Kageyama have something on his face? Why was Iwaizumi looking at him like that?

“Ka-Kageyama? Kageyama Tobio?”

Now Kageyama was the one whose eyes opened a little wider. Was his name really coming from the mouth of the guy he was sure would have already forgotten him? Had he died while he was dancing and now was in heaven? Or was he just hallucinating? There was no way Iwaizumi remembered him, right? Why would he? He had just been one of his kouhais that had been a pain in his best friend’s back, there had been nothing special about him. But, then why?

Kageyama knew he probably needed to answer. They were still on the ground with books around them, and their legs slightly touching. He needed to count in his head, or he would for sure had another panic attack. Slow, but steady. One, two, three. Four, five, six. He needed to answer, Iwaizumi still looked confused and something else he couldn’t quite decipher. Was it happiness? Why would he be happy at seeing Kageyama though? No one was happy to see him.

“Iwaizumi-san.” He hadn’t been able to say that name in so long. He hated talking about his middle school days, and he had only allowed himself to think of him when he was alone in his room and the only witness had been his little crow plushie that Hinata had given him for his birthday. His high school friends knew that middle school was still a sore topic for him, so they had never brought it up. The only thing they knew was about how his team had rejected him that one game, and that Oikawa-san had been his senpai. No one knew that Iwaizumi-san had been a presence during his first year that he thought about way too much. No one really knew about Iwaizumi-san apart from the fact he was Oikawa-san best friend’s or Seijoh’s ace; except Kageyama. Iwaizumi was so much more than that. He had always been more. If it hadn’t been because Oikawa-san hated him, and Kindaichi and Kunimi had gone to Seijoh too, he might have gone there just to be closer to Iwaizumi-san one last time.

Iwaizumi-san smiled. A full bright smile. He looked happy. And he looked happy because of Kageyama.

“Oh my god, it is you!” Iwaizumi laughed, and it was so carefree. Kageyama could feel the corners of his mouth lifting just because he could listen to that laugh again. “How long has it been? Man, I feel old!” Iwaizumi stood up and brushed his knees. He extended a hand towards Kageyama with the same smile and Kageyama’s heart tugged a little bit. It wasn’t a bad tug though; most of the time, he always felt like he was suffocating, but not then. He felt like he was finally able to fully breath.

He took the outstretch hand and Iwaizumi pulled him forward till they were standing face to face. Iwaizumi-san had always been the smallest Seijoh third year, and Kageyama had caught a growth spurt his last year in middle school and had just kept growing. He was now 6’1 feet and Iwaizumi had stayed the same after his last year at high school. It wasn’t that big of a difference, but Kageyama was now looking down at Iwaizumi, which felt super weird because he had always been looking up at him, even now.

“How are you? Are you living in Tokyo now?” Iwaizumi dropped Kageyama’s hand and without it, Kageyama felt kind of cold. He liked having his hand hold by Iwaizumi, it was a warm hold and Kageyama had felt safe.

Iwaizumi was still looking at him with the same tender smile. So many years had passed, and Kageyama felt that Iwaizumi haven’t change that much. He still seemed so caring, kind, and strong. Being so close to him reminded him why he had fallen in love with him in the first place. How could he not?

Kageyama always had trouble speaking to others who were not Hinata and Yachi, that was true; but even though he had expected to have a freak out the first time he spoke to Iwaizumi again, that was far from what he was feeling. He felt so calm and grounded; he was not afraid of speaking to Iwaizumi. He felt peace.

“Yeah, I am going to Tokyo University.” It felt weird to be able to speak without feeling his throat tighten or multiples thoughts and voices fighting in his mind. For once, he was only Kageyama Tobio, and nothing else.

“Hey, I go there too! What a small world.”

“Yeah… Iwaizumi-san is my TA in biology class.”

Now Iwaizumi’s eyes opened wide again, but the smile never left his face.

“Are you in Dr. Hashimoto’s class? That’s great! What are you studying, then?”

Most people who had know him from his younger years would have asked why he had left volleyball and come to university. Kageyama didn’t have problems evading the question or giving a vague answer that told the other person he didn’t want to talk about it, but that didn’t mean he liked it. He hated being asked questions about why he had left volleyball because he left, he couldn’t really tell the truth. What was he supposed to say? Oh, I was diagnosed with a mental disorder which basically means my mind is broken and works against me, so the therapist and my parents forced me to leave volleyball and now I can’t walk without feeling suffocated and hearing voices in my head? Yeah, no. Kageyama was known as a weirdo enough as it is, just for the fact he was himself, he didn’t want to add to that by telling them about his mental health.

Yeah, most people would have asked that question by now, but not Iwaizumi. Kageyama knew if he remembered him (with him saying his name and all) then he must be at least curious as why was he doing studying when he knew Kageyama sucked at school and basically only enjoyed volleyball in life. And yet, he wasn’t asking that question. Was it because Iwaizumi was just such a nice person, or maybe he knew Kageyama wouldn’t want to talk about it? Kageyama thought that in the end it didn’t matter. He was speaking to Iwaizumi Hajime; no Oikawa-san or any other people in sight, and he was going to enjoy it.

“Physical therapy actually.”

If it was even possible, Iwaizumi looked like he became brighter.

“Really? I am studying that too. What are the odds.”

“Yeah…”

Well, Kageyama said he felt at peace talking with Iwaizumi but that didn’t mean he had gained normal social skills. He still sucked at speaking with other human beings, no matter how much he wanted to. If he wanted the conversation to continue, he had to come up with something. Anything. _Think, Tobio, think._

“Are you here with Oikawa-san?” Okay, no. Why had he asked that? Kageyama could care less where Oikawa-san was. He knew that he hadn’t gone pro because of his knee injury but knowing Oikawa-san he probably hadn’t stopped playing volleyball completely even if he had gone to college. But that wasn’t what he wanted to know. He wanted to know about Iwaizumi and get to know him more apart from the fact he was Oikawa-san’s best friend or something like that. Why the heck had he asked that? Kageyama had gotten nervous and his mind had just come up with the quickest question he could master, and now Iwaizumi-san probably though he cared about Oikawa-san and was just looking for information through him. Great.

“Oh, no. Oikawa is going to Doshisha University in Kyoto. We still text and talk all the time, but yeah, he is not here with me. Sorry to disappoint.”

“Oh, no. You are not disappointing me. I was just asking. Sorry.” Kageyama started to bite his lower lip in nervousness. He really was a lost cause, wasn’t he?

Iwaizumi laughed, he freaking laughed. And Kageyama would have felt offended if it wasn’t because it seemed the laugh was not because he wanted to make fun of him, it was more of an amusing laugh at his antics. Iwaizumi had always laughed at Kageyama’s innocence back in the day, so Kageyama could only smile in return. It felt like not everything had changed.

“The same Kageyama Tobio I remember. It really has been so long. Do you work in this library?”

“Oh, yeah… I am on my shift right now actually.”

“Oh? Is part of your job dancing to Tears and Fears while putting books away?” Iwaizumi’s smile turned into more of a smirk. The kind of smirk you give a friend when you have caught them doing something embarrassing. Kageyama had forgotten about the fact he had been singing and dancing when he had crashed into Iwaizumi. My God, could the ground open up and swallow him, please?

Kageyama covered his face when he felt the blush starting to appear in his cheeks. He knew Iwaizumi wasn’t trying to make him feel bad, he was just teasing him; and that was okay. Didn’t make it any less embarrassing though.

“Could you pretend you never saw that?” His voice sounded smaller because his mouth was covered by his hands, but he hoped Iwaizumi had been able to hear him.

“Can’t, that was too great to forget.” Iwaizumi laughed again and put his hand on his shoulder. The same grounding feeling from before when he had grabbed his hand came over Tobio and he moved the hands away from his face.

They had never been together in the same place for more than a year. Logically, Kageyama knew he probably didn’t know much about Iwaizumi-san as he would like. Logically, he knew it was foolish to develop a crush on someone he barely knew. Logically, he knew Iwaizumi-san had probably changed from how he was in his middle school years. But also, the man standing in front of him had the same smile, the same caring eyes, and the same calming presence that Kageyama craved. Was it so wrong for him to hold onto that memory and wish to create more in the future?

“What were you doing here anyway?” Kageyama asked after a minute of silence. Not uncomfortable silence; just silence and staring at one another.

“Well, it is a library. And I like books, so.” Iwaizumi shrugged and Kageyama felt his heart swelled. He liked books too? That was a piece of information he had never known about him, and now, here he was. He couldn’t mess up this opportunity.

“What kind of books?”

“Anything that is good, really. I usually don’t have a lot of time to read, being a third year in college and all, but I try to make time.”

Then, Iwaizumi had started picking up the books that Kageyama had forgotten about, and Kageyama followed him.

“There is also a nice café nearby, so I usually get a book and read it while having a nice cup of coffee. Nothing can beat that.” Iwaizumi kept his gaze on the books while he said that, and Kageyama only looked at him. He was new in Tokyo so he didn’t know a lot of things, maybe he should mention that.

“I still don’t know a lot about Tokyo.”

“Oh, right, you are new here. Want me to show you around?”

Kageyama’s brain short circuited for a second. Iwaizumi had asked that so casually, hadn’t even looked up from his task; while Kageyama was left without words.

“R-really?”

Iwaizumi looked up then.

“Of course. You are still my kouhai, after all.” Ah, so that was it. A sense of responsibility, of course. “But only if you want, we haven’t seen each other in a long time so—”

“Yes!” Had he said that too loud? He cut Iwaizumi off, but he didn’t seem to mind too much as he was smiling.

“Okay, then.”

He stood up then, Kageyama following suit, and gave the books to him.

“I have to leave, but let’s plan on meeting?” It was said as a question, like Iwaizumi thought Kageyama would say anything but yes.

“Yeah, I would like that.”

Iwaizumi smiled, and took out his phone. They exchanged numbers and Iwaizumi told Kageyama it was nice to see him again and he was hoping to see him soon.

And then, he was gone. Gone as quickly as he had come.

Kageyama had started the day feeling heavy and tired, and now, he couldn’t remember ever feeling lighter. He clenched his phone to his chest and smiled. He was finally looking forward to something in his life after volleyball had been taken out of the equation.

He just hoped he wouldn’t screw it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning of posting this later today, but then I kept writing and finished the chapter and well. Here it is.  
> The first meeting has finally happened! Yay!  
> Hope you liked this chapter and now that Kageyama is meeting more people, there will be more dynamic with others. So excited.  
> 


	4. Nightmares

After Iwaizumi left, Kageyama kept working. There weren’t many people that came by after that. A nice old lady looking for a children book to gift her granddaughter, and a middle age man wearing a suit that seemed to worried for his own good.

Not other big instances happened to Kageyama while he was there. It was true that the start of the day had been pretty much a nightmare, but after his encounter with Kenma and later with Iwaizumi, it had been better. Of course, better didn’t mean perfect. He still felt the crawling underneath his skin and the voices wanting to scream at him, but they weren’t so loud. It was bearable.

After his shift ended, the sun had already gone down, and Tokyo looked more alive than it had done over the day. The city lights had been turned on and the buzzing of the street almost gave a sense of liberty. Tokyo was so big that it felt like you could lose yourself between its streets, and never be seen again. Funnily enough, Kageyama didn’t mind the thought of getting lost. Walking till you can’t feel your feet anymore and you don’t recognize the streets around you or even remember the time of the day. It was freeing, in a way. Tokyo was full of live, and Kageyama felt he could take a little bit of life from the city to fulfill his empty soul.

And now he sounds like an emo poet, great.

He grabbed his backpack, made sure the place was ready for the next person to start their shift, and left the library. Again, he decided to walk home, not before stopping to get something to eat because he was sure he didn’t have anything in his apartment, and usually he wouldn’t be hungry, but with the whole panic attack thing he hadn’t even been able to finish his chocolate milk, and he loved his chocolate milk. Now with nothing on his stomach since breakfast, he knew he had to buy something more than an apple.

There was a gas station near his home, so he thought the best idea would be to stop there before reaching home and buy something there. Once he reached the gas station, he went straight to the milk section because he wanted some milk damn it. And he grabbed a bun on the way because, well, he was sure that will fill him up and that was all he needed anyway.

The night was kind of chilly, but Kageyama had a long sleeve flannel so his body could manage the cold for a little bit. There were many people walking around him; couples walking hand in hand, seeing so happy. He saw an old couple walking their dog, and it was just so endearing. He had never been in a relationship before, and he couldn’t say he hadn’t dream of that. When he was younger, his parents used to tell him someday he would meet that one person who will complete them in a way no one else could, someone who will never leave their side no matter how hard things got. Kageyama had always been a quiet and awkward kid so knowing that maybe, one day in the future, he would be able to find someone who would stay with him through thick and thin was sometimes what gave him hope for a brighter future.

Growing up with no friends and spending all his free time had been hard, but at least he always had the hope that one day he won’t be alone, that he would find someone who will love him like his dad love his mom. And then, he went to middle school and discovered he didn’t like women and was in love with someone who was so out of his league it wasn’t even funny. He came out to his parents the very same time he realized it. He had never had a crush on anyone before and he freaked out and needed to tell someone, telling his mother was the first thing that came to his mind. He had later heard that coming out as anything but straight to your family in Japan wasn’t really easy, so he knew he had been lucky when his mother and father had accepted him, they just had embraced him and told him that they loved him no matter what. They really were great parents, especially having a son like him.

After leaving middle school though, his romantic interest in people decreased to almost inexistent—apart from his very unrequired crush on Iwaizumi—and his focus was just on volleyball. People often guessed he was either in a weird kind of relationship with Hinata because they fought all the time, or they just thought he was plain asexual.

He never really cared enough to correct people, not that he would have, but yeah, his life had just been that way since forever. People don’t want to date someone like him, it made sense. He wasn’t the typical smooth type of guy who could get anyone’s attention just by being in the room like Oikawa-san, he wasn’t the adorable kind of dumb but with a heart of gold like Hinata, he wasn’t loud and cute like Nishinoya-san, he wasn’t smart like Tsukishima, or unusually lovable like Asahi-san. He was just him. The boring, quiet and awkward Kageyama Tobio who knew nothing else but volleyball. No one cared enough to ask about him. His life orbited around volleyball and the fact that people thought he was a prodigy and had to be what they wanted him to be. He had no right to speak up because that made him arrogant, but when he didn’t, it meant he was faking it too. He could never win.

So, he just accepted the fact that there couldn’t be anyone that would want to be with someone like him. How could it be? Specially since now he is always running from his mind. Maybe if the voices weren’t so loud, or the scars weren’t so deep, or if his need for release and escape weren’t so strong; maybe if he was normal, he could find someone. But he wasn’t. He was broken, wasn’t he? No one wants something broken. They look for perfection, and Kageyama was the farthest thing away from perfection.

He got to his apartment complex and went up the stairs. He lived in the third floor, because he liked sitting in his bed and watching the city from his window. It was beautiful.

He dropped his backpack on the floor next to the door and walked towards the kitchen. His apartment was small, but he liked it. The kitchen was next to living room, which just meant a couch and a TV in front of it. He headed straight to the kitchen and left the bag with the milk and the bun in the counter. He only had two seats next to the counter, so he sat down in one of them and took out what was supposed to be his dinner. If his parents knew what he was putting in his body, they would probably throw a fit, put him in the next bus back to Miyagi. But what they didn’t know, it wouldn’t hurt them.

He finished the meal, threw away the garbage and went to his room. There was a little aisle connecting the living room to his bedroom. It was slim and dark. It wasn’t even that late, he hadn’t checked the time, but he was sure it was probably around 8. There wasn’t a lot he had to do as it was only the first day of college. He supposed he could go into his laptop and see if his professors had left homework for him because they just loved to torture students, but well, he said he would try in school, sure, but he wasn’t going to start being a nerd and start doing homework the first day of school. Sure, he still had no social life, but he could at least try to watch a dumb movie and sleep to the sound of the TV.

He laid down on his bed and let out a sigh. Today had really been an interesting first day. He had meet lots of interesting people that he thought he would never see again, and he had made a fool out of himself in front to his one and only crush, and he had had a panic attack in front of a complete stranger, but it could have been worse. At least that’s what he kept telling himself.

Suddenly, he felt his phone ring. He took it out of his pocket and looked at the caller id. There weren’t a lot of people who would call him late at night, well, there weren’t a lot of people who would call him, period. So, he wasn’t surprised to see that it was Yachi who was calling him.

He pressed the accept button and put the phone next to his ear.

“Tobio-kun!” Yachi’s voice was loud and excited, like how she always is. Kageyama had to smile at that. Yachi seemed pretty afraid of a lot of things, but once they got to be more comfortable with one another, she feels good enough to show more about herself, and she was one of the best people Kageyama had ever met.

“Hi Hitoka-chan.”

“How are you in the big city, Tobio-kun?” Yachi had stayed in Miyagi with her mom. In her way to becoming a designer, she had thought that learning from her mother who had founder her own company as a graphic designer was the best idea.

“It’s good.”

“Always the conversationalist, Tobio-kun.” Yachi laughed. “Anything exciting happening in your life?”

“Hmm… I don’t think so.” Kageyama haven’t told any of his friends about his very secret and pretty pathetic crush on Iwaizumi. He had never even come out to his friends either, but he was sure they have figured it out themselves, at least, Yachi as she was pretty observant and had actually squeaked out if he was in love with Hinata, to which Kageyama had laughed and said no, and then Yachi had apologized profusely but the fact that the person she had thought he was in love with was a guy and haven’t even batted an eye at that calmed Kageyama that maybe she knew and she didn’t care.

“Tobio-kun, I know you are lying. Come on, you are in Tokyo! There must be something cool that happened or someone cool you meet!”

“Well, I guess. You remember the Guess Monster?”

“Oh! You mean the guy from Shiratorizawa? The scary one with the weird wide eyes?” Kageyama laughed at that.

“Hitoka-chan, you think everyone is scary.”

“Okay, fair enough. But he was scary! He actually looked down on all you guys like he was slowly killing you and he was finding pleasure in seeing the fear in your eyes while imagining all the possible ways to make you disappear!”

“Not the image I wanted to have, but yeah I guess you have a point.” Kageyama moved around in the bed and looked out the window at the pretty bright lights of the buildings. “But he was actually not scary.”

“No way! How did you two found each other?”

“Well, he recognized me from our match I supposed, and asked to be class buddies because we are in the same class.”

“He asked to be friends with you? No way, Tobio-kun! You are going to be friends with the Guess Monster!”

“Hmm… yeah, I don’t know if that is gonna happen. You know I am not good at… well, making friends.”

“Okay, I have told you this before, you just need to let yourself have fun! You have friends and I know you can make more. Come on, Tobio-kun, Hinata is so busy he doesn’t even have time for us anymore and I am all the way in Miyagi, so you really have to get to know new people.”

“How is that I am getting this from the girl who was too scared to talk to people she crawled on the floor escaping the gym?”

Kageyama could hear Yachi’s offended gasp and he could feel a smile appeared on his face.

“Low blow, Tobio-kun, low blow. And I might be a scaredy-cat, but I got myself a boyfriend!”

Yeah, that was right. After Yachi had made sure that Kageyama was not in love with Hinata, she had asked for his help to catch his attention. Hinata was really dense about a lot of things, but especially about any type of romantic relationships; it had taken him literally all the team telling him that Suga-san and Daichi were together for him to finally realize it, and it wasn’t even that they were being subtle about it either. He really was just that dense.

Yachi had been kind of mesmerized by Hinata’s ability to be who he was and fight the odds against what people believed he was supposed to be or do. Hinata had always had kind of this thing where he is kind of like a magnet to anyone. He has such a vibrant personality, like the sun, that anyone he has ever met haven’t been able to walk away from him without being captured by him in some way, and Yachi had not been the exception. Of course, her level of confidence was almost non-existent, and she had made herself believe that someone as bright as Hinata could never want someone like her. Kageyama wasn’t bright or good at a lot of things, but he was good at knowing Hinata and he knew that the idiot was probably crushing on Yachi but didn’t even know he was, so he had agreed to help Yachi. It hadn’t been easy to get Hinata’s attention, Kageyama had had to be pretty freaking obvious about Yachi’s advances. Needless to say, he hadn’t caught on till Yachi had blurted at him that she was in love with him. From what she had told Kageyama, Hinata had gotten very red and had told Yachi that he liked her too. Both of them had been nervous messes the second they started dating, and they still kind of were, but they just fit. The bright sun and the girl too afraid to look at the light. They had started dating their second year and were still going strong. The fact that Hinata was extremely busy with pro stuff had made it harder for them to communicate, but they always found a way to keep in contact. They even had little skype dates every week.

“Well, yeah, but basically after screaming at him that you liked him.”

“Rude. Like you have never liked someone.” Kageyama had liked someone before, he had loved someone before, god, he still loved them. Yachi didn’t know that, and Kageyama felt that he could scream, he really wanted to tell someone what was going through his mind, just for once. He wanted to be able to put into words the feelings he had felt when he saw Iwaizumi, he wanted to be able to speak about it.

“I—” He really wanted to tell her, but he wasn’t sure if he could.

“What, Tobio-kun?” Yachi’s voice sounded soft, as she was speaking to a little boy who was too scared and any wrong from her would mean he would disappear.

“I—I have actually.”

Words were not easy for him, but he had known Yachi for three years now. He trusted her, she was his friend, she had told him that she understood and would always listen to him. If there was someone who he was willing to tell this, then it might have to be her. She didn’t know Iwaizumi; she could be the neutral party.

“Wait, wait, wait… Are you going to tell me about your first crush?! Am I actually going to hear you open up?”

“Not if you are going to be like this about it.” Kageyama heard Yachi laugh.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I got too excited. But tell me. Who have you like as much as I like Shoyou-kun?”

This was it. Kageyama felt he had to do it. Get it out off his chest quickly. She will understand, he hoped she understood.

“Hmm… well, I meet them in middle school.” Yachi knew about his whole middle school story, well, everyone did, so at least he knew he wouldn’t have to explain that whole deal. It was good that he had meet Iwaizumi before the whole King of the court happened. “And yeah, it was… something, I guess.”

“Okay, I know you are not good with words, but even that is pretty crappy for you. You have to tell me more than that. How did you meet them? How did you know you liked them? Why did you like them? Do you still talk to them? Were you ever together? So many questions!”

Kageyama sighed.

“Well, I can’t answer all of them at once.”

“Okay, fine, then tell me this, do you still like them?”

That was an easy question to answer.

“Yeah…”

Silence for a second.

“You said you meet them in middle school, right? Wasn’t that like—?”

“Five years ago.”

“And you still like them?”

“I never really stopped.”

“Wow, really? They must have been pretty amazing, then.”

“They are.”

After that, Yachi had gone back to asking about his first day in school, and she had also shared her own story about how fun her first day had been. Not a lot had happened, but she loved her new school and the major she had chosen. Kageyama hadn’t talked much after that, but it felt good to hear her voice. When he was talking to someone else, he felt that he was in reality, he felt calm. The voices in his head lost a little bit of their strength and the spiraling thoughts stopped for a minute.

Then the conversation was over.

They had talked for an hour, and then Kageyama had put on a stupid movie on his laptop that will eventually lead him to the world of dreams.

It wasn’t long till he was out.

Sleeping came easy to him when he was extremely tired, and for some reason, he was that night. He didn’t mind sleep; he minded the nightmares that came with it. There could be about his family, or him having a panic attack in the middle of class, or something equally as disturbing.

That night, he was in a coffee shop. It was small and there were people talking around him; people he didn’t recognize. He was sitting at a stool and his black coffee seemed to be half drank. He looked around. The place seemed old, or maybe it was the fact that he seemed to be seeing everything as it was an old movie, the brown soft colors all around. Sometimes, he knew he was dreaming and today was one of those dreams. He knew the place was all in his mind and that he was dreaming, he just didn’t understand what he was dreaming about.

He took his cup and drank a little bit of the coffee. It was bitter, so bitter that it hurt his tasting buds and yet, it was good. Kageyama didn’t like a lot of sweet stuff, and he liked his coffee black, but damn was that bitter. He looked to the side, as if something was telling him to look. And he saw what he thought was two people coming through the coffee door holding hand. He recognized those two people. The guy leading the other one with the fluffy brown hair and the confident smile, holding the hand of the man with the spiky dark brown hair and emerald eyes. Those were Oikawa-san and Iwaizumi, holding hands, walking into the coffee shop he was sitting in, walking straight towards him.

“Oh, look, Iwa-chan, it’s Tobio-chan over here.” Oikawa’s voice sounded the same way it had always had to Kageyama’s ears: cocky, fake, strong. That same voice has plagued his thoughts multiple times, it had made him shiver in both annoyance, fear and hatred. Oikawa-san had always act like he had the world figure out, so much confidence for the abilities he knew he had and the way he talked that managed to convince almost everyone. And yet, he had always pushed Kageyama away. He had practically begged the guy to teach him how to set because he had been so good and he just wanted to learn, and he had almost broken his nose. How is it that someone like that can have everything he ever wanted and more? “What’s wrong, Tobio-chan? Cat got your tongue?”

“What do you want?” He had always been able to control when he talked and what he said, but there were a few exceptions to that rule: Oikawa-san and Hinata; when he was around those two anything that came to his mind was said and he couldn’t stop it.

“Ohm, that is no way to treat your dear senpai, Tobio-chan.” Dream Oikawa sat down on the stool next to Kageyama, still holding Iwaizumi’s hand. “After all I have done for you and this is the treatment I get? I am hurt.”

“Funny, I don’t remember you ever doing anything for me.” Even in his dream and Oikawa was still a pain.

Oikawa-san threw his head back and laughed, that same fake laugh that he gave those people he never wanted to be around but pretended he could stand.

“You are so funny, isn’t he funny Iwa-chan?” Oikawa put his arm around Iwaizumi’s waist and pulled him closer. “You know what’s really funny? The fact that you like Iwa-chan when you know you will never, ever, have a chance with someone like him.”

Iwaizumi put his arm around Oikawa’s shoulder and just pretended Kageyama was not there. It hurt.

“Why would anyone want to be with you, Tobio-chan?”

“I don’t need this from someone like you Oikawa-san.”

Instead of Oikawa answering, it was Iwaizumi this time. He looked at Kageyama like he was lifting his shoe and had found an annoying piece of gum stuck to it.

“You can’t say that to him, I won’t let you say anything bad about Tooru.”

“I—I’m…”

“It’s okay, Iwa-chan. He is just jealous. Jealous that I have you and he doesn’t. Jealous that we have a close relationship, while he is just hanging over the tiny conversation he had with you over five years ago. Jealous that he can never be me.”

It hurt to hear the words he had been thinking so much about coming from the mouth of the guy he admired and hated. It hurt to see his crush look at him with annoyance and just hold onto that same guy.

“Well, he better starts realizing that I am never going to like someone like him. Why would I when I have you?” Iwaizumi kissed the top of Oikawa-san’s head while he smiled.

“Yeah.” Oikawa san looked straight into Kageyama’s eyes with the same malice he had had when they were competing against each other. “Don’t you see, Tobio-chan? You are nothing, and you will always be nothing. Accept the fact that you will die alone, and maybe it won’t hurt as much. And now if you excuse us, we have other important things to do rather than talk to your sad existence. Bye-bye!”

Kageyama watched them leave. They were laughing and they seemed so happy. He was right, wasn’t he? He could never have that. He could never be like Oikawa-san, and he had lost meaning to his life. What was the point anymore if even in his dreams he was pathetic?

Kageyama awoke like a bucket of freezing water had been dropped over his head. He gasped and noticed the sweat on his forehead and hair. The shaking and shallow breaths were coming, and he couldn’t stop them. Waking up in cold sweat was not a rare occurrence, didn’t make it any easier though. He could never go back to sleep after a nightmare that had left him in a panic, so he supposed it was another night of watching some dumb TV show till the sun came out.

He looked down at his phone and grabbed it, going through his contacts till he found the one he was looking for. There, in little black letters was “Iwaizumi Hajime” saved on his phone. He had been so happy about running into him that he had forgotten the fact he was basically a failure as a human being and someone like him would never be with someone like Kageyama. Dreaming and wishing for something didn’t make it a reality, and he had had five years to get over him and yet he hadn’t.

He put his phone back on top of the dresser and moved in the bed. His hair sticking to his forehead and his arms shivering. Maybe it really was time to move one. Maybe he has spend way too long holding onto something that was never going to happen. Maybe he just had to get over it.

And with that, Kageyama left his mind empty of thoughts, closed his eyes and waited for the sun to come out.

_Goodbye, Iwaizumi-san._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people!  
> So, school just started and I needed a break from a lot of things before officially diving into spring term, which by the way, is already pretty tiring. Little disclosure here, I will try to spend lots of time explaining Kageyama's mental issues. I am a psychology major so I thrive in this kind of things, also since I myself have a disorder, but my point is, I have read and watched so many things where mental health is completely inadequately portrayed and I hate that. So, I will try to portray as well as I can all the struggles that come with panic attacks and the other disorder that I will keep a secret for now.  
> This is a slow burn, so don't expect them to be in a relationship ASAP, because that's not going to happen.  
> Anyway! Hope you liked it and I will try to keep writing even when school is killing me.  
> Thanks for the support!


	5. Ache

Kageyama woke up with the soft light of the sun kissing his eyelids. He hadn’t realized when he had fallen asleep. One moment he was looking at the full moon and the next he was waking up in a cool pool of sweat from his last nightmare, his mind still feeling fuzzy from the memory of it.

He threw away the blanket and stood up, looking at the time. It was 8:00 am, and his first class was at 10. He hadn’t plan to wake up that early, but now that he was up, he felt it would be a waste to just stay in bed trying—and probably failing—to fall asleep again.

He walked over to the bathroom, leaving the trail of his clothes laying in the ground and got in the shower. The cold shower hit his back like a soothing medicine after a night of panic. When his body felt so heavy, cold water always helped him feel closer to the reality of the world, grounding him to the present instead of letting his mind run into multiple scenarios that always left him struggling to breathe. His hands roamed over his hair, moving it back and letting the water hit his forehead. It was cold, and yet, he felt warm. His body felt as it was being lifted from all of the chains holding him to the panic and fears. He felt okay.

Kageyama let the water wash over him for a while, not really knowing how long he spent under it. He tried to keep his mind as quiet as he could, refusing to let all the voices speak over him. He knew they were wanting to scream at him, tell him about the dream he had had yesterday and how sad it was for him to dream of something so unattainable, tell him that he should stay back and just let the world outside live on while he rots from the inside, tell him that he is worth nothing.

As if he didn’t know that already.

The water of the shower hid the tears that came from Kageyama’s eyes. Silent cries; no gasps for air, no struggle to stop, just silent tears streaming down his cheeks. How long would it be till he finally felt he wasn’t a burden to the world? How long would it be till he felt it wasn’t a burden to be himself? He couldn’t speak properly, he couldn’t express his emotions, he couldn’t control his thoughts, he heard voices on the daily, he struggled to breathe. Chest aching while the soft tap of the water hits the shower tile.

_Let yourself go, Tobio._

Maybe he was never meant to be someone. People live their lives trying to look for meaning, trying to look for a purpose. They search for their voices to be heard. Kageyama thought he had found his calling in the shape of a volleyball. He thought that even though everything around him started falling apart, at least he had his purpose, at least he wasn’t useless. When people in school avoided him calling him a freak, he thought it was okay because he could still play. When his parents fought at the late hours of the night when they thought he was asleep, he thought it was okay because he still had something to wake up for. When he lost his friends in middle school and was basically shunned and humiliated for trying too hard, he thought he could start over because he still had his talent. When he didn’t make it into Shiratorizawa because they didn’t trust him to be a good team player, he thought it was okay because he could find other schools. When people laughed behind his back because he was too weird, he thought it was okay because he had his volleyball team and that was enough. But suddenly, the panic in his chest became too much to bear, the breaths became too shallow, and the screams got louder. Suddenly, he wasn’t in control of his life anymore. Suddenly, his parents didn’t trust him to walk to school on his own. Suddenly, his friends were treating him as if he could break at any second. Suddenly, he was back to being a young scared boy with no purpose. His life had stooped meaning something when they had taken the ball from his hands and told him he couldn’t do it anymore.

He couldn’t understand it. No one takes the brush from a painter’s hand, no one takes the pen from a writer, or the instrument from the musician. People are supposed to be given talents so they can learn to live with them. He loved volleyball, and why was he not able to play anymore. Why. It was not fair. His hands gripped his hair.

_You never had a purpose._

But he had, hadn’t he? He had plans for a future where he could be someone. And what was he now? A college student who hated studying and had no friends, no hobby, no purpose. No meaning in his life.

_Do you think people would miss you if you were gone? Maybe if you were, you would finally mean something._

Kageyama closed his eyes tightly. It didn’t matter how hard he tried, did it? He would be back to square one every time. Reaching for something he couldn’t have. Desperately searching to be of use, to be someone. Who was he, then?

_Take it._

Numb. His fingers started feeling numb under the pressure of the water. He couldn’t hear anything but his own breathing. His chest was constricting itself and his mind felt fuzzy. They were speaking once again.

_Take it. Do it._

Voice over voice, they were talking all at once. Kageyama tried to focus on the water, but it was no use. The water kept running, and so did his mind. He always tried hard, did he not? What was wrong with him? Why could he never be loved? Was he so broken that people refused to hold him? Was he going to keep living in a world where he did not, could not, control his own mind? His head started hurting. Aching. Pain.

_Do it, coward. You want to shut me up? Then do it._

It never worked, did it? No matter how much he tried to run, to get away, it never worked.

His hands started moving on his own. He was holding something cold and sharp, when had that happened? What was it? His eyes were still closed, and the sound of the water seemed to get louder.

_DO IT._

Screaming, the voices were screaming. Or was that him? He didn’t know. The sharp object touched his wrist. Cold. It was cold, but it did not hurt. One. Two. Three.

Cut.

His breath got caught in his throat, and his eyes opened. The sharp object touching his skin was the small razor he had used before. Had he not gotten rid of it? Well, no. How could he? His skin was tender to the touch and the razor was hard. It hurt, and yet, he felt he had to do it. The voices had stopped. He had to make them stop. He didn’t understand any other way to do it. It hurt.

He cut again. And again. And again.

The water hit his arm and made him hiss in pain, but it was okay. The water had turned a soft crimson color because of his blood. Blood was coming out of the new fresh cuts on his wrist and he looked at it. Red fresh blood. So much blood. It was supposed to hurt, wasn’t it? When you hurt yourself, it hurts. Then why did he feel a sense of peace by looking at the red on his arms, why did the soft water on his skin made him hiss in discomfort but smile in pride, why did he feel okay.

Kageyama used his other arm to turn off the water and leave the shower. The cold air hit him in an instant, but the water in the shower had prepared him for the air. He pulled out a towel and started drying himself with one arm. His other arm was throbbing, and he couldn’t use it at the moment. It didn’t hurt as much as it could, Kageyama knew that once those cuts started healing, that was when the real pain began. It didn’t matter. He was used to it. It would be okay.

Those cuts made the voices stop, and it made him feel alive. He needed to cut. One. Two. Three times. As much as it was needed.

He finished drying himself and walked back to his room. He never really looked in the mirror unless it was absolutely necessary. He didn’t appreciate seeing his sorry face staring right back at him. He hated looking at himself. He hated being himself. He just hated himself.

He opened his closet and grabbed the first thing he could find. It was supposed to be a little hot today, but he would have to suffer through the heat because there was no way he was going to wear a short-sleeve shirt to school. People already looked at him weirdly, he didn’t need them doing a double take when they saw the fresh wounds on his wrist. He threw on a pair of jeans, and a simple long black sleeve-shirt. People didn’t ask about what they couldn’t see, and even if they saw it, they were scared of what they didn’t understand. Kageyama knew that no one will question the fact he was wearing a long-sleeve shirt on a hot day, those things were reserved when people cared, and even if someone did ask, they were likely to look the other way when Kageyama made up an excuse. No one cared enough to look deeper.

His backpack was still next to the door, so he grabbed his phone from the nightstand, not really looking at it because he doubted anyone would have reached out to him and went out to the living room. After last night events, he wasn’t feeling that hungry, so he only filled his water bottle and grabbed the discarded backpack he had left next to the door after coming home.

Kageyama looked back at the empty apartment one last time and left.

It was still early. The sun was brightly shinning and there were no clouds in sight. The day was hot, but nothing to unbearable. Kageyama could manage with a day like that. It was fine.

He walked slowly towards the university. If he wasn’t mistaken, his first class was math. Kageyama hated math; well, to be fair, he hated a lot of things, but it was just common that most people hated math. What was the point of math? His major had nothing to do with math, and yet he was forced to take it because math is necessary in every major, even art! And how stupid is that? Once you are out of school, you never even use math unless you end up teaching it. Kageyama hated math so much.

The breeze went by and his wet hair flew with the wind. He looked up at the soft blue sky. Kageyama had always really like the sky. It was soothing, whether it was during the day or night, it was always there, covering them and grounding him from the noise. Soft blue sky. He liked it.

He kept walking in silence. Because the rush hour had already gone by, the city was a little quieter than normal. Tokyo was always loud, so that didn’t mean much.

He was so distracted by his own thoughts that he didn’t notice anything till there was someone touching his shoulder.

“Hey, pretty boy!” Kageyama could not help but flinch at the sudden loud voice right next to his ear. His whole life, no one had called him pretty—except for his mom, but that didn’t count—and for some weird reason, there was only one person who had decided to call him that when he saw him: Tendou Satori. “We meet each other once again. How are you on this fine day, sir?” He either didn’t notice Kageyama’s uncomfortable stance or he didn’t care. Tendou started walking right next to Kageyama, smiling way too brightly for the time of the day, and waiting for him to reply.

Kageyama was confused. Why did he want to talk to him? They weren’t sitting next to each other in class, or in a game of volleyball for them to give them an excuse to communicate. Then, why? Why would he want to talk to Kageyama, the guy from the team that had beaten them and taken their title of champion on his last year? It didn’t make any sense.

Confusion must have been what was showing on his face, because Tendou lifted up one slim eyebrow with his hand still on Kageyama’s shoulder.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Has no one asked you how you are before?” To be fair, Kageyama was just not used to uninterest kindness; most people who kind to him before were looking for something, and the test just didn’t care enough to ask anything of him “Guess not if you look like I am speaking another language.”

Kageyama shook his head to try to get the thoughts out of his mind. It was true that he didn’t understand Tendou Satori, he barely even knew him, but at this moment, he was standing next to him, touching him, talking to him. The least he could do was answer. It was happening again though. His inability to answer in an expected given time. People don’t like it when you take a long time to answer to a simple question, thus why a lot of people avoided talking to him if he took to long, which he normally did. He didn’t know a lot about the Guess Monster, but from what he had seen, he was someone who was brash, loud and wanted immediate results. Why was he talking to him then? Why was he looking at Kageyama with a quiet smile, waiting for him to answer so patiently when he barely knew him? He remembered seeing Tendou interacting with Ushijima-san. He never got to have a long conversation with Ushijima, but he always looked so quiet and stoic that it was surprising for Kageyama to think that Tendou would voluntarily choose to spend time with someone so different from him. He wondered if that was what he was doing now.

“Sorry. I am fine.” Kageyama felt a lump on his throat, and the buzzing nerves in his mind telling him that he was messing up by speaking, but he tried to push it down.

Tendou smiled brightly. Too bright. It reminded him of Nishinoya-san and his cocky smile, full of mischief behind those eyes.

“You always look like you are about to pass out. You need to relax.” Tendou’s eyes sparked after he said that, and suddenly he was grabbing his wrist tightly. Kageyama had to suppress a hiss of pain. Tendou had grabbed the wrist that was hiding behind a shirt that was full of fresh red cuts. It was still to sensitive to the touch, and it hurt. Kageyama turned his grimace of discomfort into a normal expression and looked back at Tendou, praying that he hadn’t noticed. “And I know just what to do!”

And just like that, they were running. The breeze hit Kageyama’s face and he had to close his eyes to avoid the strength of the air. Tendou was still holding onto the wrist that was painfully aware of the hand around it, but he didn’t seem to notice—or care—for the confusion shown in Kageyama’s face. Why were they running? Why was Tendou pulling him as if they were friends?

“Don’t let the air hurt your pretty eyes, pretty boy! We are almost there!”

Tendou moved as quickly and as effortless as you would expect to see an athlete run in a field he had practice hundreds of times before. He avoided the few people walking and Kageyama heard the few gasps coming from concerned pedestrians. They were running as fast as their legs could take them, and Kageyama prayed he wouldn’t trip over his own feet and fall flat. With his luck, that was fairly likely, but the reassuring hand holding onto him didn’t let him slow down.

And just as quickly as it had started, it ended.

They stopped. Kageyama crashed into Tendou’s back and finally opened his eyes.

“What the hell was that?” Kageyama wasn’t usually talkative, that was true, but when he was both confused and slightly annoyed at being handled like a doll, words just came out of his mouth without him noticing. He pulled his wrist out of Tendou’s grip and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Tendou turned around and looked at him with the same bright smile he had seen before.

“Why are you looking all sour for? Let’s go inside!”

“I’m not going anywhere; where the hell are we?” Kageyama refused to move from his spot in front of whatever place Tendou had thought it would be great to take him. What was with all his mother had taught him not to run away with strangers? Nope, not today. He may be a lone soul trapped in his own mind, but he knew not to trust everyone. And technically speaking, Tendou Satori was still a stranger to him.

“In the best place ever: A cat café!” If it was even possible, Tendou looked even more excited. Kageyama could almost see the stars coming out of his eyes.

“W-What?” That had taken Kageyama by surprise. Out of all the places he thought the guy was taking him, a cat café was not one of them. And what the hell, he had class, didn’t he? Kageyama wasn’t even sure what time it was, but he knew he had class at 10, and these cafés opened at 10, so that was simply not going to work. “I have to go to class.”

“Bah! It’s only the second day, nerd. You can ask for notes later, let’s go!” Before Kageyama could muster an answer, Tendou was grabbing his wrist again and pulling him inside. Damn, that hurt.

The café was a small cozy place. Kageyama saw the wooden texture of the floor and the walls. There was a big wooden tree in the middle of the café, surrounded by small lamps. Soft couches were around the tree, and he could see a few cats from where he was standing, most of them sleeping. Since it was 10 and it had basically just opened, there were only a few people around. Kageyama have never been in a cat café. Animals didn’t like him very much, or so he felt because they always run away from him. It was true that cats were one of the most difficult pets in manners of getting them to warm up to you fast, but they just seem to completely despise Kageyama. Tendou kept pulling his arm and taking him farther into the store. The sweet smell of coffee reached Kageyama’s nose and he had to take a deep breath to appreciate it. Despise the fact that he had been literally forced to come here, he enjoyed the smell of just made coffee.

“Have you had breakfast yet?” Kageyama turned his eyes back on the person in front of him.

“Ah… no.” There was no point in lying anyway.

“Perfect! That means we can eat because I am starving!” Tendou pulled him to a table near a window where a tiny white cat with black paws was sleeping. Tendou walked around the place as if he knew it by heart, maybe he had been there many times, but it was the first time for Kageyama, and he couldn’t help but feel out of place. “Come on, this place has good food! I can even recommend you some stuff!”

Kageyama had no choice but sit down, careful of not touching or bothering the little cat. He hadn’t been planning on eating this morning, his throat felt tight when he woke up so he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep any food down; but, what could he say to Tendou? That he was skipping a meal? That he wasn’t used to eating anyway? No, he could not do that.

“I think I will order a nice cup of black coffee and a meat bun, what about you?” Tendou looked up from the menu he was holding, and Kageyama was struck again by the reality of the situation. Why was this man talking to him as if they were friends? What did he want?

“What do you want?” Kageyama wasn’t planning on saying anything, but he could not help it. He was so confused. He couldn’t understand why anyone would want to spend time with him, willingly that is. The guy had barely said anything to Kageyama in their match, only seeing annoyed at all first years in general, and now he was taking him to get coffee? What was he looking for?

“What do you mean? I just told you what I am going to order.” Kageyama had to give it to him, Tendou looked genuinely confused. He could almost believe it.

“That’s not what I meant. What do you want from me?” Tendou scrunched his eyebrows together and then recognition appeared on his face.

“Wait—you think I want something from you?”

“Why would you bring me here if that was not the case?”

“Maybe because I wanted to get to know you. Is that so hard for you to believe?” Tendou wasn’t smiling, nor was he frowning, he just looked so calm, like he understood Kageyama. How could he? How could anyone ever understand him? The mere thought was ridiculous. “I am going to take your silence as a yes. Look, Kageyama, I am not going to do anything. We are in the same class so I thought we could get to know each other. I’m sorry if I bothered you. You can leave if you want.” That was the first time Tendou had used his given name in a conversation, and he looked so sincere. He almost looked sad. Why was he sad?

Kageyama bit his lip and felt his brain trying to comprehend what was happening. Someone wanted to get to know him? Was that even possible anymore? Had he not heard about Kageyama’s past? How could he ever want to associate himself with someone like him? It made no sense.

_He pities you._

Kageyama had to shake his head to dissipate the thoughts that were almost screaming to get out. He refused to listen. He was not going to make it to class in time anyway, so…. Why not?

A tense minute in silence passed with Tendou and Kageyama looking at each other. There weren’t any words exchanged, they were just looking at one another, almost as if they were waiting for one of them to run out.

“I want coffee with milk.”

Tendou smiled.

“Hello there, what can I get you?” Kageyama went out of the trance he had been in since he had walked through the café and looked up. A guy with familiar messy black hair and black cat like eyes stared back at him. “Ah, Tendou, how you doing?”

“Hey Kuroo! Doing good, you know how it is. How are you, man?”

“Doing just fine. I see you brought someone with you today.” Those cat eyes looked straight at Kageyama, and he could feel shivers running through his back. “Hey, you are the setter from Karasuno, right?”

Kageyama felt that millions of eyes were watching him. He hated being the center of attention. Even in volleyball, he had had a position that was shining from the back. Even if the game plays were both done by the setter and the spiker, people always looked at the spiker. He was okay with that. He didn’t like to feel the eyes on him, calculating him. It made him feel small.

He had to answer.

“Yeah…” He was not expecting the Nekoma captain to remember him, and he was certainly not expecting to see him at a cat café wearing a pink apron.

“Yeah, I remember you, you were always with the shrimp.” The corners of Kuroo’s mouth lifted slightly, showing a smirk. “I was—”

“Nekoma’s captain.”

“Ah, so you do remember me. Good to know that I left an impression on you.” He looked at Kageyama for a little longer before going back to looking at both Tendou and him. “But anyway, what can I get you?”

Both Tendou and Kageyama ordered and waited for them in silence. From what Kageyama remembered, Tendou had always been loud, and yet, he was silently smiling scratching a cat’s ear. It felt surreal.

Kageyama looked around the store one more time, and his eyes went to the counter where Kuroo was making their coffees. There was a small figure sitting on the stool of the counter with a game console in hand. The familiar blonde and black hair caught Kageyama’s attention. Hinata told him that Kenma liked cats, so it was not a surprise for him to be there. And he also knew that he and Kuroo-san went way back as childhood friends, so the fact that he could see Kuroo babble with a sparkle in his eyes, while Kenma kept his gaze on the console but nodded once in a while to show he was listening was not surprising either. What was surprising was the fact that Kuroo turned with a small smile and kissed Kenma’s temple, and Kenma didn’t even flinch. Kageyama was dense in a lot of things, but he knew that usually people who were only childhood friends didn’t kiss each other and looked at one another as if there were the only thing that mattered in the world. That was different.

“Those two are sure cheesy, aren’t they?” Kageyama jumped a little bit from the sudden voice. He looked at Tendou who was looking at the scene before his eyes with a small smile.

Kageyama looked back at the scene. Kuroo was smiling brightly, one of his real smiles rather than the smirks he often had, and was moving his hands around, gesturing wildly to whatever story he was telling Kenma. Kenma was still looking at the console in his hands, but Kageyama could see the tiny smile on his lips. Those were the kind of relationships that Kageyama could only dream of having. A relationship when you always understand each other, a relationship where silence was comfortable and words were not needed, a relationship where no matter the trials that may be part of their lives, there will always be another hand holding them through the darkness.

Kageyama wished one day he would be able to experience a love like that. But the bitter reality and cruel voices in his head reminded him otherwise.

_Who would ever love you? You can’t even love yourself._

And they were right. He couldn’t disagree with them because all that they said was true. The voices were only speaking his deepest fears, but there was truth in every statement.

His wrist suddenly a painful reminder of the events that had happened that morning. Kageyama let his mind wish for the quiet relief of his room where he could let the monsters in his head speak as louder as they wanted, where he could refuse the taste of food and look out the window at the moon while the world slept. Suddenly, he wished for the relief of the razor touching his skin.

Tendou started speaking. Kageyama wasn’t paying too much attention. Words got mixed together, and the buzzing noise in his ears intensified. Without noticing, his hand went to his wrist and started scratching.

One. Two. Three times.

“Kageyama.”

Someone was calling him. He couldn’t hear.

“Kageyama.”

A hand on his shoulder brought him back to reality. The pain on his wrist was worse, and his nails had blood on them from where he had scratched his skin. Tendou was looking at him. How long had he been inside his head? How long had Tendou try to get his attention? Why was he looking at him like that?

“I’m fine.” Kageyama said it out of instinct. He was so used to saying that little sentence when things got hard. He was so used to lying, and of people taking the lie and leaving the subject. They never questioned twice.

“You are not.” Tendou said it so quietly, as he was murmuring a secret that no one else was supposed to hear. “It’s okay, I understand.”

_Lies._

Buzzing noise, the hand on his shoulder put pressure. Kageyama wanted to scream, tell him that he did not and would never understand, how could he? He stayed silent, letting his eyes fall onto the table cloth and listening to the soft purr of the cats.

“Hey, pretty boy, look at me.”

 _Kageyama, please look at me._ Those were the words Iwaizumi-san had said to him many years ago. It hurt to think about it now. It hurt to wish for something so far away from your grasp.

Kageyama looked up and saw those same red eyes staring at him, calculating but kind.

“Let me tell you a story.”

Kageyama wasn’t prepared to listen to anything, but he did.

And so, the clock kept ticking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, guys, school has been killing me. I legit just finished reading a 50 page play. So forgive me for taking longer than I usually do. I have a lot of ideas for the story so when I start writing I usually keep going without even noticing. Also I got a personal goal for every chapter to be at least 4000 words because I can :D  
> THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT! I am so happy for all the kudos, it truly means a lot. This chapter is Tendou's second appearance, and I mention some deep mental stuff too.  
> Tendou is a cinnamon roll and I know that the most damaged people are sometimes the kindest. Kageyama is in a lot of pain, and as someone who has self-harmed that thing is a pain the next few days, but it brings a sense of comfort. I am by no means reinforcing this behavior. It's never okay to harm your body, but this is in the point of view of someone who is suffering and only looking for a sense of relief without knowing where to go. If you need help, get it. If you need to talk to someone, do it. Talk to me if you need to! I would love to help, and just remember you are never truly alone.  
> I hope you liked this chapter!


	6. Heart Made of Glass, Mind of Stone

Tendou ended up sharing his life story. He told Kageyama about how he was bullied because of how different he looked from the other kids, he told Kageyama about how he had grown up with people always leaving him out because of the way he looked. People usually don’t share those type of things with people they don’t know that well; Kageyama couldn’t ever even imagine of ever sharing his life story to anyone—not even the therapist his parents had basically forced him to see had been able to get under his skin—and here was this guy who Kageyama had seen a few times basically telling him something that must have been hard for him, and yet he was smiling.

“Why are you telling me this?” Kageyama asked confused. No matter how many scenarios he played in his head, there wasn’t one where he could understand why Tendou was telling him about his past.

Tendou stopped talking in mid-sentence and looked at Kageyama with the same soft smile he had basically given him the whole time they have been talking.

“Because I can see when someone is hiding pain inside.”

Kageyama felt himself rather than heard the gasp that escaped his mouth. Tendou was looking at him with eyes so sincere and open, waiting for him to say anything. He should deny it, he should say he is fine like he always does; he should tell Tendou he was obviously imagining things, but he couldn’t speak. No words came out. He felt his throat closing and his hand itched to scratch his wrist.

Suddenly, the weather felt really hot. His breathing started to come out in short rapid gasps, and once again the ringing in his ears became loud. He needed to calm down, he couldn’t have a panic attack in front of Tendou, he couldn’t have a panic attack in a public place where anyone could see him. He needed to breathe. He could do that. He counted to ten in his head. He could breathe. It was okay, the feel of the small scars underneath his fingernails. It was grounding. It meant he was here, sitting next in front of Tendou Satori at a cat café. He was alive, he could breathe, he was okay.

“Kageyama.” Oh right, Tendou.

“I’m-I’m sorry. I guess I kind of spaced out.” Kageyama shook his head and tried to share a small smile to soothe Tendou’s worry. From the way Tendou kept his eyebrow raised, Kageyama figured he hadn’t been successful.

“Kageyama, can you do me a favor?”

Kageyama blinked multiple times, trying to dissipate the previous thoughts on his mind and focus on the fact that Tendou was suddenly asking something from him. Weird.

“Uh-yeah, sure.”

“Don’t pretend with me.”

Kageyama felt the itch on his wrist again.

“What? What do you mean?”

“I guess you can say I have an ability to know when people are hiding something. I just told you about how messed up my life was, do you think all those years of being pushed aside ended up with me being completely fine?” A moment of thick silence. “When I said that I can understand whatever it is that makes you space out and brings panic into your eyes, I was not lying. It’s true that we don’t know each other a lot yet, but if you let me, I would love to become friends with you. In a way, I think you and I are more similar than we think.”

Kageyama felt that the air had been punched out of him. His eyes had slowly opened wider and his mouth was hanging open. Had he heard right? Had Tendou basically told him, in a subtle way, that Kageyama could trust him enough to share whatever was bothering him and had noticed the symptoms that Kageyama had tried so hard to hide? How was that even possible? Tendou had said all of that with such sincerity in his voice, that Kageyama couldn’t help but want to believe in his words. He had had to leave a lot of things behind in Miyagi, one of those was the comfort of the few friends he had to come to Tokyo where he knew no one. And here he was, in a cozy simple café, talking to one person he never even looked twice at, and this person was literally putting all their live in a silver platter for Kageyama to see and asked him to accept it. How weird did it feel for him to be searched for, to be semi-understood. Tendou Satori was a really interesting person.

“Okay.”

That was it. Kageyama didn’t need to say any other words, he was a man of few words after all, but he was sure Tendou had understood the feeling behind the simple word. Kageyama could have cried right then, tell Tendou about all of the sleepless nights and the inability to spend a day without feeling like his heart was about to burst out of his chest, but he didn’t need to. Not now anyway. Who knew if Tendou will stick around for him to get to hear about Kageyama, but for now at least, Kageyama grasped onto that tiny hope with a tight fist.

“Okay. No more sad stories! You can decide what you want to tell me, I really don’t bite.” Tendou laughed and took a sip out of his black coffee.

A moment later, Kageyama heard footsteps approaching their table and he turned to look at Kuroo-san walking over to them.

“Is everything okay here?” Kuroo asked once he was in front of them.

“Oh, Kuroo! Look at you being a good waiter, are you just looking for a tip or something?”

“What the hell, Tendou. You know I have always been a great waiter.” Kuroo put a hand over his heart and faked a gasp as if he was offended. Kageyama stared at him without saying anything, while Tendou laughed. He hadn’t asked Tendou how long it had been since he has been in Tokyo, but guessing he came here right after high school, it was probably around three years by now. Maybe he had become friends with Kuroo-san coming to this same café. They seemed to be at ease with each other. “I am even wearing the cute pink apron; how can you hate on that?”

“Kuro, you are being annoying again.” Kageyama turned sharply after hearing the soft voice coming from his right. Kenma was standing next to Kuroo, eyes still on his game console, while practically ignoring the rest of the world.

“Kenma, love, you wound me. I am never annoying.”

“You are.”

“Am not.”

“Are too”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am not.”

“Okay, how long is this going to go for?” Tendou interrupted the slightly banter that Kuroo and Kenma were going through. From what he had seen before, Kageyama guessed they were in a romantic relationship, but it was hard to see where that started as the lines blended together with those two. He hardly saw any relationships so up close, as the only example he had had of one was Hinata and Yachi, and Kageyama loved them both, sure, but there was no way that every relationship could be base in their relationship. Both of them were basically a bundle of nerves around each other, and even if it was cute, he was sure most couples would probably stop blushing and stuttering if they held hands after three years of dating.

“How dare you ruin our moment, Tendou?” Kuroo said, faking being offended once again. “Don’t you see me trying to defend my honor in front of this little kitten here?”

“You don’t have any honor to defend.” Kenma hadn’t even lifted his eyes and he basically burned Kuroo’s statement to the ground. It was kind of hilarious how the guy could be so savage while keeping such a straight face.

“Wow, Kenma. Wow. I let you visit me at work, I give you free coffee, I buy you video games, and this is how you pay me?”

“Didn’t realize I had to.”

“I will accept payment only on kisses.”

“Kuro, you are embarrassing.”

“You guys are both disgusting.” Before things could escalate—at least on Kuroo’s part because Kageyama doubted Kenma was one for public displays of affection—Tendou made a noise that basically meant he was about to throw up.

“You are just jealous of our love.” Kuroo said while putting his arm around Kenma’s shoulder. Kenma pushed it away without lifting his gaze from his game, but Kuroo just put it back around his shoulders again and the second time Kenma was too bothered to push him away.

“Yeah, okay.” Tendou rolled his eyes. “I think that is our cue to leave.”

Kageyama would have been nervous to see if Tendou had really been annoyed at Kuroo-san’s actions, but one look to his relaxed smile gave away that he wasn’t bothered at all, and that maybe he really did need to leave. Kageyama wasn’t even sure how long they have been sitting down at the café, to be honest. It could have been minutes or hours.

Tendou stood up and turned to look at Kageyama.

“Ready to go, pretty boy?”

Kageyama didn’t have anything after his math class. Luckily for him, Tuesdays and Thursdays were his easy days, with only one class, and he was supposed to have a few hours to kill before he had to go to work, anyway. He hadn’t been planning on going anywhere after math class, with his schedule being full of nothing but school and work, he was probably going to go back to his apartment or wander around the city. Doing those things with someone sounded way more appealing to him than doing it by himself.

Kageyama stood up and nodded in Tendou’s direction, showing his agreement to going with him without the necessity of words. It hadn’t been long since they had known each other, but after their shared talk, Kageyama felt he could be more genuine with Tendou than before. He didn’t need to fake answers or emotions, he could just keep quiet and Tendou would do the talking for both of them. Some people might consider that weird, but Kageyama was grateful to find someone who could speak so vividly for hours, it made him feel less alone. In a way, Tendou reminded Kageyama of Hinata. Hinata who had been a pain in his ass for three years, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t consider him his closest friend.

“Hey, Kageyama.”

Kageyama turned to look at those yellow cat eyes staring at him. Kenma had finally lifted his stare from his video game and was now focused completely on Kageyama. It was intimidating.

“Yeah?”

“Are we seeing each other today?” Oh, right. The day before, Kageyama had practically broken down at school and would have probably passed out if it wasn’t because Kenma had walked him through his panic attack. And Kenma had asked if they would see each other again at the same place tomorrow, saving Kageyama from an embarrassing attempt of trying to keep in touch with the guy. Kageyama hadn’t really thought about what that meant. He was planning on going to the same tree when he woke up in the morning, but the thought had completely left his mind since Tendou had basically kidnapped him.

“Right.” Kageyama mumbled. “Only if you are still up for it.”

“For sure.” Kenma smiled that tiny sweet smile of his. Kageyama could almost feel some of the tension leaving his body. “We can even go somewhere else, and even another time as you seem busy right now. Here, give me your phone.”

After a second of confusion, Kageyama struggled with his own hands to get the phone out of his pocket. He gave it to Kenma and saw how he typed his phone number in Kageyama’s phone. Dumbfounded, Kageyama could only look at how the Kenmas’s slender fingers worked on his phone and moved as if they were dancing, and then Kenma gave his phone back to him with a smile.

“Now you have my number, and I have yours. We can meet somewhere else… like that park or something.”

“Kenma, are you making friends without me? I feel so betrayed.”

“Shut up, Kuro.”

Kuroo-san threw his head back and laughed loudly. Kageyama noticed that most of the people at the café didn’t even bat an eye at the sudden noise, as if they were used to Kuroo’s antics. Maybe some of them had been going to the cat café regularly and had just gotten used to Kuroo in general.

“God, I love you.” Kuroo whispered that right next to Kenma’s ear, and if it hadn’t been because Kageyama was so close to them, he probably wouldn’t have heard it; he was pretty sure Kuroo had said it only for Kenma’s ears. It was so soft and genuine, those few words that Kageyama could only wish to ever listen to directed at himself in a romantic sort of way.

_Pathetic._

Suddenly, Tendou put an arm around Kageyama’s shoulder.

“Well, this has been great and all, but we gotta go, don’t we Kageyama?”

Tendou looked at him with something behind his eyes Kageyama couldn’t quite figure out. It kind of looked like a knowing look. It was really weird to think that Tendou might have been able to notice that public display of affection made him sad—it was just another reminder of how lonely he was. Kageyama might be just imagining things, but it felt as if Tendou was saving him from getting into a pit of depression again. Kageyama knew for a fact that he and Tendou haven’t make any plans for after they left the café.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Okay! Then I guess we’ll see you later guys!” Tendou said before pulling Kageyama out of the door. Kageyama could barely get a soft ‘bye’ out of him before they were already out of the café.

The warm air hit Kaegyama’s face and he was suddenly painfully aware of his long-sleeve shirt. He didn’t feel like going anywhere and thought of just going home till he had to go to work or something, but Tendou’s arm around him didn’t seem to be about to let go of him any time soon.

“Hmm, Tendou?” Kageyama asked once they started walking down the street towards some place Tendou wanted them to go.

“Yeah?”

“What was that? Where are we going now?”

“Hmm?” Tendou turned to look at Kageyama with the silly confused expression that Kageyama had been seeing on him a lot lately. “Oh, I don’t know about you, but I was just feeling a little suffocated by Kuroo’s antics, so I thought we could go walk around.” For some reason, Kageyama kind of new that Tendou was just saying that. He had seen how friendly both he and Kuroo were to one another, and he hardly doubted it that two people like them could not like each other. Maybe Tendou really was that observant after all.

“So, where are we going now?” Kageyama decided against mentioning what he thought, he felt it was better to just enjoy the day while it lasted.

“I haven’t thought that far yet…” Tendou said with a shy smile and suddenly stopped. “But hey! You are the one who is new in Tokyo, is there anywhere you would be dying to see?”

“Not really… I don’t think I have thought of going places…” Kageyama said kind of embarrassed about how little thought he had given knowing the place he was living in. It wasn’t exactly that it bothered him not going places, it was more that it bothered him for people to see for themselves how lonely he actually was.

And without missing a beat Tendou answered. “Well, we can change that right now! You know what we should do? We should go to all around Tokyo!” Kageyama had to laugh at that because there was no way they would be able to see everything Tokyo had to offer in one day.

“I am impressed by your enthusiasm, but I doubt we can go around Tokyo in one day…” Kageyama said with a lopsided smile.

“I guess you are right…” Tendou pouted “But if we can’t go everywhere at least let me take you to one of my favorite places!”

And with that they were running again. After the whole deal with him not being able to play volleyball anymore, he had lost interest in trying and doing a lot of things. He stopped caring for the diet he had to keep, and also stopped running every morning. He supposed he had fallen into such a deep depression that the thought of even getting out of bed was exhausting. And now he was running to different places twice in the same day. His legs felt like the were made out of jelly and he was scared of falling at any moment, but the secure and strong hold of Tendou’s hand on his wrist—this time it was the unmarked one, thank God—kept him standing and running at the same speed. Even though Tendou seemed to be set on spending as much time as possible as he could with Kageyama, it was still kind of hard to accept the fact that someone wanted to spend time with him unironically and out of their own decision.

The air felt still kind of warm in his skin, and he noticed that sweat was starting to accumulate at the back of his neck. His breath was coming out in little gasps of air as he was trying not to hyperventilate from the exercise. Kageyama could hear Tendou’s laugh from in front of him, and he tried to shield his eyes from the sun.

He still didn’t know the time it was, but he could see more people in the streets passing by. Kageyama supposed it was around lunch time.

The noise of the city and the cars seemed to turn down little by little till Kageyama heard the soft breeze of the air, the laugh of children and the waves of some body of water. Kageyama wasn’t sure where they were, but it felt better than the loud noises of the city.

Kageyama squinted his eyes to see where exactly Tendou had taken him, and he noticed that they were in a park. There was a pond in the middle of the park with ducks and fishes on it. Little children were holding their parents’ hands while trying to feed the animals, couples were sitting on the benches watching the scene with a serene smile on their faces, and the soft sound of warm spring day was around them. It was all very soothing.

“Here we are! My favorite getaway place!” Tendou exclaimed, still holding his wrist, and pulling him towards the pond. “Every time the world gets too much for me to handle, I come here.”

Kageyama turned to look at Tendou’s face. “Why this place?”

“It’s just calm. Tokyo can be a very noisy city, always busy with people going to different places and cars honking to move faster. Even the places that are supposed to be quiet can get loud, but here, for some reason, that’s not the case.” Tendou smiled. “The ducks swim and fly and it’s just another reminded of how beautiful the world is. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that.”

Kageyama turned around to watch the pond. It was true that seeing the ducks and little fishes brought a sense of calm to him. Maybe Tendou wouldn’t mind sharing his getaway place.

They stayed in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying the breeze of the day and the feeling of happiness. Kageyama looked around the park, to remember exactly where it was. He liked watching people sometimes, it made him feel that he was alive. Maybe he couldn’t touch, but he could watch; and that was enough for someone like him.

The sun was shining brightly and it almost blinded Kageyama, so he squinted once again. His gaze caught the side of a man carrying a book on his hold, walking towards a bench near where Kageyama and Tendou where. Kageyama lifted his eyes noticing the black converses, the soft brown pants, and the dark grey shirt. The soft sun-kissed skin caught his attention and then he noticed those striking green eyes.

Kageyama felt a lump on his throat and his thoughts all mingling together. Oh my God. Kageyama was not ready to run into Iwaizumi again. He felt so expose in front of him, and he was so scared of facing him. Iwaizumi wouldn’t want to see someone so stupid, pathetic and broken like Kageyama. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t see him again after the nightmare was still so painfully present in his mind.

_Well, he better starts realizing that I am never going to like someone like him._

No, he couldn’t let Iwaizumi see him. He had to run, hide, disappear, something! He kept walking closer and closer to Kageyama, and it wouldn’t be soon till he noticed him.

Kageyama, in a state of panic, crunched down and hid behind Tendou’s legs, holding them close to his face so he could still see Iwaizumi from afar. Probably not the best idea, but his brain had stopped functioning once his eyes caught Iwaizumi Hajime. He always seemed to have that kind of effect of him, no matter how much time passed.

“Hmm… Kageyama?” Oh right, Tendou.

Kageyama looked up from his position and stared at those bright, extremely confused, red eyes. Tendou had an eyebrow raised and Kageyama needed to make sure to thank him later for basically not shoving him away as soon as he had basically used his body as a shield from reality.

“Yeah?” Kageyama said in a very small voice.

“What are you doing?”

“Hmm…” Saying that he was basically hiding from the guy he was in love with seemed like a bad idea, so Kageyama tried to come up with a quick excuse. “My legs got tired?” Yeah, Kageyama had never been a good liar.

“And you decided to kneel down in front of my legs?”

“Yeah, hmm, I just got too tired.”

“Well, how about we go sit down instead of staying here?” Tendou started moving and Kageyama held onto his legs even tighter, making it impossible for Tendou to move “Pretty boy, you are going to have to let go of my legs so I can walk.”

“Hmm, but why would you need to? I like it here, let’s just stay here.” Kageyama said in a frantic fast voice, trying to hide his nervousness when he noticed that Iwaizumi was approaching them even more.

“Kageyama, what is going on?”

“Nothing!”

Tendou kept an eyebrow raised and followed Kageyama’s line of sight with his own. Kageyama had a mini-freak out and tried to shake Tendou’s legs in a pathetic attempt at avoiding him from seeing Iwaizumi, but Kageyama knew it was all in vain and that Tendou had already seen him.

“Does that nothing has to do with the guy in the grey shirt?” Tendou said still looking towards Iwaizumi.

“What? No, I don’t know what you are talking about.” Kageyama knew that it was stupid to keep denying the obvious, but he didn’t want Tendou to know how dumb he was being.

Tendou turned to look back at him. Kageyama was expecting a smug grin or some sort of comment, but Tendou just looked at him. He couldn’t figure out exactly what emotions he was having, but Kageyama felt that even in this strange scenario, Tendou was not judging him.

“Is there a reason why you are hiding from that guy?”

Kageyama knew Tendou was not stupid, and from what he had seen of him today, he knew that he would probably not judge him—maybe, possibly, hopefully—but that didn’t make it easier for Kageyama to open up when he was use to dealing with everything on his own.

“Who is hiding? I am not hiding, I am just—resting my legs.” Kageyama couldn’t help but lie. He didn’t want to voice the truth, that only made him feel smaller. His lips felt dry.

“Kageyama, I hope you are telling the truth because I am pretty sure he is walking over here.”

Kageyama’s head turned around so fast that he could feel his neck muscles. Tendou was not lying, Iwaizumi was really walking over to them looking rather confused but with the easy smile Kageyama had seen a lot of times in his face when he was enjoying himself.

“Kageyama?” Oh God, the universe must really hate Kageyama for this to happen to him. Why did it have to be him? He would have not cared if it had been anyone else, even Oikawa-san was preferable than seeing Iwaizumi right now, and that was saying a lot. “Hmm, hi?”

“Iwaizumi-san.” Kageyama said in a rush tone and stood up to face Iwaizumi properly. He had looked like a freaking weirdo in front of him multiple times, what was one more right? God. “Hi.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt.” Iwaizumi said, throwing a brief side glance at Tendou before looking back at Kageyama. “I just saw you and thought I would come say hi.”

“Oh, you are no interrupting anything; in fact, I was about to leave.” Tendou said with a smile, and Kageyama turned to look at him with desperate eyes, begging with his stare to not leave him alone. He can’t be alone with Iwaizumi, he didn’t want to make a full out of himself, he didn’t want the voices to start and the nightmares to plague his mind. Please no.

“Oh, really?” Iwaizumi asked tilting his head to the side.

“Yeah, I just got a call and I need to leave.” Kageyama knew for a fact that was a lie. “But, hey, don’t stop on my accord! I was just showing Kageyama around Tokyo, so maybe you can take on that role while I am gone.”

“What—?” Kageyama could not believe his ears, what was Tendou doing?”

“I would love to!” Iwaizumi said with the same easy smile. “That is, if you don’t mind my company.” Kageyama looked into the green eyes and felt a shiver go down his spine. What kind of question was that? Of course, he didn’t mind his company. He wished he could have it all the time, but he just didn’t feel enough to be around Iwaizumi. He would never be enough.

“I—no, it’s okay.” Kageyama said wiggling his thumbs together.

“Well, I will leave you guys to it! Have fun!” Tendou winked at Kageyama, that sneaky bastard, and left jumping happily.

And Kageyama found himself alone with the one person he wished he saw all the time, and yet, he wanted to run and hide.

“Alright. Well, this is a pretty place, so want to go sit down on that bench for a little bit? Maybe we can catch up.”

Kageyama felt his throat closing once again. He really should make up an excuse. He could say he had to go study, or run to work, or he could make up some other commitment he really needed to get to, or even pretend he was feeling sick. He really should just go.

“Sure.”

God, he hated himself. Iwaizumi smiled at him, that bright smile that captured his heart years ago, and oh Kageyama knew right then, there was no way he could ever forget him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi is back! Yay! This is probably the chapter with more dialogue so far, and now I get to show my babies some love for their second encounter. And look at Tobio making friends ❤️ Tendou is the real MVP, I love him.  
> Also, KuroKen is a thing because OF FREAKING COURSE IT IS!  
> Anyway, hope you liked this chapter. Let me know what you think! I love reading comments!  
> See you next time ~~


	7. Lovely

To say that Kageyama was nervous was an understatement. When he had run into Iwaizumi in the library, they had only spoken for maybe a few minutes; but now, Tendou had basically left him at the mercy of the guy he didn’t want to see for the fear of saying something dumb or losing the ability to speak, or die. Kageyama felt like he was going to die.

Oh my God, he was going to die.

His phone buzzed and he took it out quickly to see what it was.

A text from that damn traitor.

 **[Tendou]:** Try not to combust too much (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

 **[Kageyama]:** I hate you.

 **[Tendou]:** Tobio-kun, you break my heart (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

Iwaizumi turned to look at him and smiled while Kageyama hurried to put his phone away. From what Kageyama remembered, Iwaizumi had always been the reliable guy with a heart of gold. His team had relied on him as the ace, both in middle school and high school. Oikawa-san might have been the captain with the great ideas and remarkable performance, but if it wasn’t for Iwaizumi, even Oikawa would have broken down under the pressure of trying to be perfect, well, even more than he did with the fact that his knee had held permanent damage. Iwaizumi was the glue that kept their captain and the team together. Kageyama had remembered the words he had heard him say so many years ago about how the strongest team was the one with the better six, and he had learned from that. He had touched rock bottom and had been pushed aside after he had let his anxieties and fears control his actions and had acted like a completely jerk, he knew and accepted that fact a long time ago, but it had been his time in Karasuno that had taught him the importance of fighting as a team. Iwaizumi had known that all along, and Kageyama felt that even if middle school had sucked, he at least had had one year of seeing him being the kind of person Kageyama could only dream of being.

It might have started by admiration. He had never been good at feelings, and much less when he was 13. He admired Iwaizumi’s level headedness, strength, and how no matter the circumstances, he always had pushed forward. Iwaizumi had also been the only person who managed to get through Oikawa-san. It might have been the years they had of friendship, but Kageyama could see that behind all the bickering, there was actual trust and care for one another. Then that admiration started to blend with other feelings he could yet not understand. He started to get annoyed at how Oikawa-san seemed to always be the one who got Iwaizumi’s full attention, he started noticing more of the jumps and the muscles underneath his shirt, he started catching himself looking at him more in general, he even caught himself trying his hardest hoping that Iwaizumi would praise him. And then, the admiration turned into his first real crush. And then Iwaizumi was gone.

Iwaizumi had always been something so unattainable. Kageyama knew that he could never caught up to someone as amazing as him, and yet, here they were, walking side by side under the bright sun and the breeze of spring.

“What are you thinking?” Oh, how long has Kageyama been in his own mind? That tended to happen more often now, and most of the time it was not a problem because he was alone, but Iwaizumi’s eyes reminded him of his presence.

Kageyama couldn’t mess this up. The memory of the nightmare clouded his mind, and he could still see the annoyed sneer directed at him from Iwaizumi’s face, and he could still hear the cruel laugh of Oikawa-san telling him all the things that he already knew and was just too afraid to say aloud. But, nightmare or not, Iwaizumi was standing in front of him, smiling the same way he had always smiled, and Kageyama refused to mess it up. He knew it was worthless to reach for something that he couldn’t touch nor have, but well, Kageyama had never been very smart.

“Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a second, but it was nothing important. Don’t mind me.” Kageyama said shaking his head and forcing a smile.

Iwaizumi lifted an eyebrow but didn’t ask any more of the subject. Kageyama thought that it was probably years of dealing with Oikawa-san that had shown Iwaizumi that sometimes it was better to not keep asking about a subject that the other person was obviously not going to talk about.

They walked to a bench that was facing the pond, and Iwaizumi sat down patting the spot next to him. Kageyama felt a lump in his throat that he had to swallow, his hands felt sweaty and the fact that he was still hot from the sun and his long-sleeve shirt wasn’t helping his nerves, but he knew he couldn’t show that, so he went and sat down next to Iwaizumi. If Iwaizumi noticed that he had seated at the very other end of the bench, as far away as he could from him, he didn’t mention it. Kageyama just knew he couldn’t bring himself to get too close to him. He had to keep his distance, or he was either going to say or do something stupid.

“So, it’s been a long time since we have seen each other. How are you, Kageyama? Who is the new Kageyama Tobio?” Iwaizumi was smiling at him and God, Kageyama couldn’t breathe. He was used to losing his breath, for anxiety reasons, but this time, he was losing his breath because he just felt so lovestruck. He sounded like a high school girl with a silly crush, but he just couldn’t help but take as much as he could get from Iwaizumi. And if what he could get at the moment was a small conversation, then he would take it.

Then again, Iwaizumi had asked about the “new” Kageyama Tobio; and he was sure he couldn’t share about that. Not a lot of people had liked him before, and he was sure that if everyone knew about what was actually going through his head, and what he had become, then there was no way anyone would ever like him. No one knew who Kageyama Tobio was, not even Kageyama knew who he was; but one thing was for sure, he was not going to tell Iwaizumi about it.

“There’s not much to tell.” Kageyama said, keeping his eyes on the pond. “I finished high school, left Miyagi, came to Tokyo to study physical therapy, and I also work at a library.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“Huh?” Kageyama turned to look at Iwaizumi, confused. Iwaizumi looked back at him, never moving his gaze from Kageyama’s eyes.

“I asked who is the new Kageyama Tobio, not what is he doing.”

That left Kageyama speechless. How was he supposed to answer that? Who was he? He didn’t know who he was anymore. Before, he had been Kageyama Tobio, the genius setter. His life had always been around volleyball, without it, who was he?

_No one._

“Uh, that is a hard question to answer.” Kageyama looked at his lap and started wiggling his thumbs together. “I am not sure.”

“Hey.” A warm hand was on his shoulder. Iwaizumi’s hand was on his shoulder, and suddenly he was back to being a 13-year-old crying at the stairs of the gym while Iwaizumi hugged him and let him cry on his shoulder. “It’s okay. Who knows who we are anyway? I sure as hell don’t. I guess I just wanted to hear about you.”

“Iwaizumi-san, why are you apologizing?”

“I don’t like to make people sad.”

“But—” Kageyama lifted his eyes once again and looked at Iwaizumi. Kageyama was a lot of things, and he hated his life and himself, but there was one thing that he hated the most right now, and that was the thought of making Iwaizumi Hajime apologize for things that he hadn’t done. His mere presence brought a smile to Kageyama, how could he ever think he could make Kageyama sad. “You are not making me sad, Iwaizumi-san. I was just trying to think of an answer. I should be the one apologizing for not thinking of one.”

“Okay, that’s it. How about we stop with all of these apologies and just start from the beginning?” Iwaizumi was back to smiling. “Hi, I am Iwaizumi Hajime, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He extended his hand towards Kageyama.

Kageyama didn’t want to forget about his memories of who Iwaizumi Hajime was, but he had to accept that he had never known much about him apart from his observations. Iwaizumi Hajime had been the light that he had grasped in his hand trying desperately to hold onto something when he seemed to be lost. But he never really knew him, did he?

And now Iwaizumi was giving him a chance. A chance to shake his hand and get to know the amazing guy he already knew he was. Kageyama Tobio was scared, yes, but if there is one thing he knew was that he had never been able to turn around from was Iwaizumi Hajime.

“I am Kageyama Tobio.” Kageyama shook his hand and he could feel a real smile on his face. Funny how after all that time, Iwaizumi could still manage to make him smile by only being near him.

“Hey, Kageyama, do you want to get to know Tokyo with me?”

“I—Yeah.”

Iwaizumi stood up and once again extended his hand towards Kageyama. Kageyama took it, and he felt his insides melt from warm. Touch, he craved touch. He felt alone every day, he felt broken and useless, but the mere touch of a hand pulling him up brought a smile to his face and warmth in his chest. He really wished he could tell Iwaizumi how he felt, but he couldn’t. No, not when he had just gotten him back in his life.

“So, what do you like to do?”

Volleyball, but he couldn’t say that, could he? He couldn’t like something he couldn’t do anymore.

“I like walking, and I like reading. How about you?” Iwaizumi dropped his hand and suddenly he felt cold.

“I love reading too, so we have that in common. I guess I am the sporty type and I like to just move around a lot, volleyball is obviously included there.”

Kageyama didn’t know what to say. He knew volleyball would come up. The sport had been a big part in both his life and Iwaizumi’s life, so it made sense. But that didn’t make it any less painful. The stinging sensation in his wrist a painful reminder of his thoughts spiraling out of control when he had no escape in his life.

“Do you still play volleyball?” Technically, someone that had just met you wouldn’t know the fact that Iwaizumi played volleyball for so long—as they were doing the whole starting over thing—, but Kageyama needed to know.

“I do.” Iwaizumi said, but his voice suddenly sounded far away, like he was whispering. “Not in a competitive way anymore, and more just out of fun, but I do. I don’t think I could ever leave volleyball completely behind.”

Kageyama turned his gaze to look at Iwaizumi. He had a sad smile on his face, and his eyes looked like they were looking at something no one else could see. Iwaizumi had been such an amazing player, why would he give up on that? Why would he choose another path when volleyball was the best path to take? It seemed unfair that some people with talent decide to leave when Kageyama had been forced to.

“But, why? Iwaizumi-san was an amazing player.”

Iwaizumi laughed. “I appreciate the kind words, Kageyama, but we all know I wasn’t anything special. There are millions of people who are far way better than I am, and they don’t get the chance to play. Why would I take a chance at playing when I know I don’t deserve it as much as others?”

“Iwaizumi-san, are you talking about someone in specific?” Kageyama believed that he was talking about Oikawa-san. He hadn’t thought about it too much, but how would Iwaizumi must have felt when he was told by Oikawa-san that he wouldn’t be able to play volleyball professionally anymore? Was he angry at him for being reckless? Was he sad at seeing his best friend having to let go of his dream? Kageyama knew that if there is nothing Iwaizumi-san would not do for Oikawa-san.

“As observant as ever, I see.” Iwaizumi kept the smile on his face, but it lacked real happiness. “It’s nothing too complicated, really. I just don’t feel that I deserved to be on a professional team. And thus, here I am, studying to become a physical therapist.”

“Why?”

“Well, the reason is simple really. I want to help those who have talent to play but can’t. I won’t let anyone suffer the unnecessary pain of seeing your dream slip through your fingers. Not again.” The last sentence had almost been whispered, maybe it was not supposed to be heard, but Kageyama had heard and he had known exactly who Iwaizumi was talking about. “What about you? Why did you choose physical therapy?”

“Because you can fix bodies.”

_But you can’t fix a brain._

“Fair enough. I think we are pretty similar in that matter.”

“I guess.”

“You were always a guy of little words, weren’t you?” Kageyama matched his pace with Iwaizumi’s. He couldn’t tell where exactly they were heading, and he probably should look at his phone to see the time and make sure he made it on time for work, but he just wanted to enjoy the walk with Iwaizumi. No other people around them, no volleyball and different teams involved, no bitterness of losing, just them. Just two people talking. Kageyama could deal with that.

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

“Hey, I said no more apologies! That was not supposed to be a bad thing. I enjoy the quiet, I have always been surrounded by loud people that I can never keep up with, so it’s a good thing that you are here.”

Kageyama felt the lump in his throat once again. Everything was so awkward. Here, Iwaizumi-san was trying to make conversation—or so it seemed—and Kageyama couldn’t bring himself to talk about anything. He didn’t know what to share about himself, his life had just turned into a pity party, and he couldn’t tell that to Iwaizumi.

“Uh.” Kageyama said, still looking at the ground, avoiding Iwaizumi’s gaze.

The atmosphere turned quiet. The only sound he could hear were the birds chirping, as cheesy as that sound, and his own heartbeat. He needed to say something, didn’t he? But what could he say? He didn’t know enough of Iwaizumi-san, even if he wished he did, and he felt so awkward. He needed to grasp onto something, anything, or he was sure Iwaizumi would not want to see him again. Who would want to see someone who couldn’t even start a conversation?

_That’s why you are always alone. No one wants to be with you._

“Hey, Kageyama.”

Kageyama jumped a little bit at the sudden voice. Once again, he had gotten way into his head and had forgotten that he was not alone.

“Oh. Yes, Iwaizumi-san?”

“We might not know a lot about each other yet, but I do remember your passion from both middle school and high school. The little kouhai with pure talent that wanted nothing else but to become the best. If there is one thing we have in common is volleyball, so why don’t we play for a little bit?”

Huh? Had Kageyama heard that right? Volleyball, he couldn’t play volleyball anymore. Could he?

“I thought Iwaizumi-san said he didn’t play anymore.”

“Ha, that’s right. I don’t play competitively anymore, but I never fully stopped. There’s even a group of some of us old players who get together every weekend and just play.” That sounded fun, and Kageyama could feel how his hands burned to be able to feel again that the familiar touch of a volleyball. He wanted to feel the excitement of tossing to a player and nailing a point, he wanted to feel the sweat on his forehead after having played for too long, he wanted to feel how his sides and legs burned from the exercise. He wanted to play volleyball. He needed to play volleyball. “I don’t think there would be anyone at the gym right now, so, want to go throw me some tosses? I bet you are still as great as I remember.”

“I… I don’t know about that; it has been a while since I tossed to someone.” Iwaizumi lifted an eyebrow at him. Kageyama was sure he wanted to ask about that. No one who remembered who Kageyama Tobio had been in school could probably phantom the idea of him leaving volleyball, ever. And yet, here he was.

“Well, then the more reason to play for a little bit.”

No more questions. Iwaizumi’s smile so genuine filled his insides with warmth and Kageyama was reminded again of why he liked—loved? How could he possibly know?— Iwaizumi Hajime.

They walked in silence. A silence that Kageyama thought felt lighter than before. It wasn’t as thick as before, it felt normal. Iwaizumi wasn’t one for many words either. From what he could remember, Oikawa-san did a lot of the talking for both of them. Iwaizumi spoke when it was needed, either for words of encouragement or to put some sense into someone’s brain, but he was never one to babble on, like Oikawa-san.

Kageyama started feeling nervous once again. It hadn’t been too long since he had stopped playing volleyball, and he knew that logically speaking he wasn’t as bad as he thought he would be; but, what scared him the most was going into a gym once again and feelings his fears eat at his mind till he was left screaming on the ground. It was better not to think about all the things that could go wrong, but he couldn’t help it. He hated looking like an idiot, despite what most people thought of him, and he wasn’t sure he could survive if Iwaizumi ever saw one of his attacks.

They kept walking till Kageyama noticed a gym. It wasn’t big, it was rather small actually. And from what Kageyama could hear there weren’t any voices coming from the gym. It seemed that it was only going to be Iwaizumi-san and Kageyama there.

Great.

It was fine, he could do this.

“Alright! Here we are! I can already feel my blood pumping from excitement. Man, it has been a while since I have felt this excited only from the fact that a setter will toss to me.” Iwaizumi smiled that bright smile once again, and Kageyama thought it should be illegal to look that bright. “Let’s go!”

They went inside and Kagayama was right to assume that the gym wouldn’t be as big as you would expect it to be if it was done for professional players, but it was still a volleyball gym. The net was still in the middle, and the feeling of comfort started spreading in Kageyama’s chest. Volleyball. Oh, how much had he missed being in a gym. There was never anything in his life that had brought him as much happiness and fulfillment as volleyball had, and he knew he would never go into a gym fighting for his country’s name, but volleyball was still volleyball. He would take it in any shape or form, as long as he could feel the touch of the burning ball between his fingers for that brief second before setting it to a spiker.

Iwaizumi went towards what Kageyama assumed was the closet and pulled out the car full of volleyballs. Kageyama could feel his breath hitch, but instead of panic, he could only feel excitement.

“Ready for this?” Iwaizumi said with a slight smile, throwing a volleyball towards Kageyama. Kageyama caught the ball with ease, and the effect was immediate. The feeling of peace that overwhelm him was almost surreal. The past few months had been hell for him. His therapist might have as well kill him when he took volleyball out of his life, he felt like a shell of himself. The ball in his hands, the familiar pressure, and the beautiful presence of those unattainable green eyes in front of him. Kageyama had to smile.

“I have never been more ready.”

Iwaizumi stood behind Kageyama and Kageyama send the ball up. High, high like he had always done it for strong players, he could see the ball moving in slow motion and suddenly, he saw the figure of Iwaizumi running towards the ball. He jumped, flawlessly moving his body with the momentum and the air, and he smacked the ball with a satisfying hit. The ball went to the other side of the net and Kageyama could see the ball dropping. It was all so beautiful, he could finally breathe.

“Again.” Kageyama said, and Iwaizumi only looked at him and smiled once again.

One, two, three hits. Over and over again, ball after ball, the time flew before they even realized it. Kageyama could feel his breath coming in silent huffs, and he noticed the sweat on Iwaizumi’s neck. The pain on his arms couldn’t compare to the warm feeling in his heart. Nothing in life could make him feel as alive as he felt at that moment.

“Ha!” Iwaizumi exclaimed loudly, laying on the ground of the gym. “It’s been so long since I have played with someone so good. Man, Kageyama you are really amazing, you know that?” That sweet smile turned back to look at him, and Kageyama felt the warm feeling in his heart for a whole new different reason.

“You are the amazing one, Iwaizumi-san. I’m glad I finally got the chance to set to you.”

“Ha, that’s right. Back in middle school you were way to busy following Oikawa to even ask anyone else to practice with you.”

“Hmm, actually, Oikawa-san wouldn’t let me toss to you.” Kageyama remembered how Oikawa seemed to always send Kageyama on errands when Iwaizumi was practicing, making sure Kageyama could never even think of approaching him. Kageyama remembered only watching Iwaizumi’s spikes from away, always being Oikawa the one who set to him. He remembered wishing he could, for only a moment, set to Iwaizumi, and then Oikawa would send him to get something for him and he had to leave.

“What?” Iwaizumi looked so confused as he sat up; it was endearing. But, Iwaizumi-san must have noticed, wouldn’t he? Oikawa was not subtle about how much he disliked Kageyama and he must have noticed how he always sent him to do stuff when he was practicing, right?

“Hmm… Yeah. He never wanted me around you when you were practicing…” Kageyama could feel his voice becoming tinnier and tinnier. He looked at his hands and he had to play with his thumbs to stop the nerves from spilling over.

“What?!” Iwaizumi’s face suddenly lost that easy smile and glint in his eyes. “What? I thought you didn’t want to toss to me or something, as I always saw you tossing to literally the whole team but me.”

“Ah—well, not by choice.”

“I can’t believe that prick! Is he for real? God.” Iwaizumi put his hands over his eyes and fell back on the ground again. “How petty can he be? All this time I just thought you weren’t comfortable tossing to me or something. Man, he is not gonna hear the end of it, I swear!”

Kageyama kept moving his thumbs and also started playing with the hem of his shirt. His long-sleeve shirt that suddenly was way too tight on his body because of sweat. He should have thought twice on playing when he was wearing that shirt, but whatever, he didn’t regret it.

“It’s all right, Iwaizumi-san.” Kageyama did not feel like talking about Oikawa again, thank you very much. “I’m just glad I finally got to toss to you.”

Iwaizumi moved his head to the side, with his hands still hovering over his eyes, and stared at Kageyama, as if he was studying him. Suddenly his face felt hot and not just because of the weather.

“You are too nice for your own good, Kageyama.” How can he say something like that and expect Kageyama to not die of a heart attack? Iwaizumi was unfair, so unfair.

“Uh, I doubt that.”

“If you say that it just proves my point. Gah, sometimes I hate that jerk, I swear! He told me you were just too intimidated by my “hard-headedness” and if I even dared to walk over to you, you will probably faint.” Yeah, that sounded like the Oikawa-san Kageyama remembered.

“It’s really fine…”

“No, it’s not!” Kageyama couldn’t help but flinch a little at the sudden raise of Iwaizumi’s voice. Even knowing that the anger was not directed at him, he couldn’t stop the automatic reaction. “God, I’m sorry.”

Kageyama kept his gaze fixated on the ground. He couldn’t bring himself to look up. And it wasn’t even because of Iwaizumi, no, it was him. Him being scared of everything. Him jumping at the smallest noise. Him not being able to sleep at night. Him not being able to play volleyball. Him being pathetic.

_Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic._

Warmth.

A hand on his shoulder, there was a hand on his shoulder.

When had he closed his eyes?

“Kageyama, hey, I’m sorry. I am not angry at you, I swear, I just got frustrated and when I get frustrated, I scream… man, I really am stupid-minded sometimes, kind of proves all those times Oikawa has called me a brute.” No, not true. Why was Iwaizumi apologizing? Why?

_Because you ruin everything._

No, no.

Kageyama was shaking, his body felt cold. Shivers were running through his back and he had to stop it, he had to stop it now. He couldn’t stop it.

“Kageyama, talk to me, are you okay?”

No. No, he was not okay. But he couldn’t tell him that.

Pretend Kageyama, it’s not that hard. Just pretend.

Kageyama lifted his eyes and looked at Iwaizumi. He had walked closer to him and now he had both hands on his shoulders, looking at him with that same slight scrunched eyebrow that he had seen on his face when he was worried. This was not supposed to happen.

“Yeah, I am fine.” His voice sounded a little bit off, but Kageyama was just proud of managing to get any words out.

“God, it’s because I keep mentioning Oikawa, right? Man, that’s why people think we are together. Okay, that’s it, no more talking about him. Zip!” Iwaizumi pretended to zip his lips and throw away the key, and the sudden panic in Kageyama’s chest went down a little bit because of the laughter building up. “Ha, there he is.”

“Iwaizumi-san, it’s really okay. I don’t care if you mention Oikawa-san.”

_Liar._

“What? Who is that? That sounds like a terrible name.” Kageyama smiled started turning more genuine. “And, I don’t know about you, but I am tired! That was such a great practice round, I haven’t felt my legs burn this much in a while.”

“I’m glad I was able to play with Iwaizumi-san.”

“Ha, stop being so formal Kageyama.” Iwaizumi suddenly had an arm around him and Kageyama could literally smell the scent of pine trees and sweat mixed together. He was going to die, that was how he died. Smelling the most beautiful man in the world, he would be in the news, at least he could say he died an honorable death. “Are you still good or do you have something to do?”

Oh God, work.

Kageyama looked at the clock in the wall and noticed that it was 5:15 p.m. He had work in 15 min., the library was at least 30 minutes away from here. How is that so much time has gone by and he hasn’t even noticed? How long had they been playing?

Oh God, if he didn’t leave now, he was going to be late and he couldn’t lose a job after two weeks, that was just dumb.

“Hmm, Iwaizumi-san, actually… I have work.”

“Oh really? What time?”

“In 15 minutes.”

“Wait, isn’t the library you work at like 30 minutes away?”

“Yeah.”

“And you know that there are not subways close to here, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And you don’t have a bike or a car.”

“Yeah.”

“So, you are gonna have to walk?”

“Run, probably.”

Iwaizumi stared at Kageyama silently for a second, and then a hand was grasping Kageyama’s hand.

“Well, what are we waiting for?”

And for the third time that day, Kageyama was pulled by another person and took off running. Tendou had grabbed his wrist, and while he was running, Kageyama had only been able to think of the air hitting his face or the burning pain on his wrist. But Iwaizumi was different. Iwaizumi was holding his hand, and the warmth from it was making him feel dizzy. It didn’t hurt, it made him feel secure, as if he could run forever and his legs would never get tired.

“Come up, keep up!” Iwaizumi said, looking back at him with that same glint he had seen in his eyes when he was spiking the perfect score at a match.

Kageyama could feel the smile again. And suddenly, he was laughing. He was laughing like he hadn’t laugh in months.

They kept running. People were passing by and avoiding being hit by them, the sun was still too bright, and his shirt was still making him too hot. But he was laughing.

Way too soon for Kageyama, they had reached the library. His sides were killing him from laughing too hard while running, and his legs were basically screaming at him, but he was okay. He was happy.

“Man, I bet I am not even going to be able to move tomorrow, but we got you to work in time!” Iwaizumi turned to look back at him. His cheeks were red, and his hair was disheveled, but with the light of the sun over him, Kageyama felt his breath leave him for a second.

“Thank you, Iwaizumi-san.” Kageyama said, still smiling. “I had fun.”

“Me too. We should play together more often, maybe you can come play with the team this weekend!”

Kageyama knew he wasn’t supposed to play, but it wasn’t like it was a professional game. Iwaizumi had said they were just a group of people who got together to play some friendly games. After today, after spending time with Iwaizumi-san and feeling the touch of the volleyball again, Kageyama knew there was no other option.

“I would like that.”

“Great!” Iwaizumi laughed. “Well, I gotta go and leave you to work. Today really was fun, Kageyama, we should hang out more often.”

“Yeah.”

Kageyama stood in front of the library and watched Iwaizumi walked away. He hadn’t expected much of today. He knew that he wasn’t the easiest person to get along with, and he knew that Iwaizumi was still someone he could never see himself with. But they had played together, they had laughed, they had talked.

And Kageyama couldn’t help but smile.

Maybe he will have to buy something for Tendou next time he saw him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaaaah, finally I am done with this chapter!  
> I started it like a week ago, and then I had a test (and basically no life) and now I was finally able to pick it up again.  
> Also, look at the progress of this cinnamon roll. I wanted to make their first hang out as realistic as it could be when you go out with someone you haven't seen in years and you are as awkward as Kageyama (me), so I hope I made it justice.  
> I am also gonna introduce more interaction with other people and take it from there, especially now that Iwa and Kags are talking. Also, I love Tooru, I am sorry that I make him sound like kind of a prick (baby, forgive me), but he is still beautiful.  
> Hope you liked it and see you next time!


	8. Stone Cold

Kageyama felt as if time had stopped.

People came and went, some with their hands full and some empty, but Kageyama couldn’t remember ever focusing too much on anyone. His mind was in a far away place, his thoughts going from a soft breeze to the color green, not realizing the whole time there was a tiny smile on his face.

The feeling of happiness is a difficult one to explain for Kageyama. Throughout his life, Kageyama had been one to observe other people rather than being the center of attention; and that habit of his had actually taught him to differentiate people’s emotions. Kageyama had noticed that people can be saying they feel something, but they are actually feeling another thing. He had actually noticed that people do that more times than they think they do. He had seen girls smiling through the sadness in their eyes, or guys laughing behind the fresh pain they felt. Kageyama had learned pretty quickly that to survive in the world, people need to lie. And he had done just that. He had smiled when he was expected to, he had laughed even when he couldn’t understand the joke, he had stayed silent even when he felt the need to say something just to not push on anyone’s buttons. Happiness was one of those emotions that he always had trouble seeing. It was rather sad actually, how many people either fake their happiness or just look miserable. Kageyama would like to think that he had been happy, once upon a time that is. It might have been when he was still a little kid and his biggest worry was to escape the monster hiding under his bed at night, or maybe when he was 10 years old and he had played volleyball for the first time and he hadn’t been able to turn back, or even when he was in middle school and had practically buzzed with the excitement being in court with so many amazing players that he looked up to.

But then, after the whole ordeal with volleyball, it seemed as if the world was slipping through Kageyama’s fingers, and he couldn’t do anything about it. So, he smiled, he laughed, he pretended everything was okay. And he had understood more why exactly people faked it for so long. Faking happiness is better than realizing your life is void of it and slowly letting madness consume you.

The light outside slowly died down to let the soft glow of the moon light up the sky. It was time to close.

Kageyama moved slowly but with precision and closed the library in a few minutes. The fresh breeze of the night hit his face as soon as he was out the door. The streets of Tokyo were still busy with life and Kageyama found out rather interesting; after all, he was from Miyagi, after 10 the streets were pretty much empty. Not Tokyo though, Tokyo was busy.

Kageyama walked slowly back home. He kept thinking of buying something to eat or not, as it was one of those nights when he actually felt the emptiness in his throat, as if his body was screaming for him to eat, and yet his stomach felt full. He kept walking.

The silence of the night felt new, but Kageyama felt as he was being hugged by an old friend. He closed his eyes and breathed through his nose, taking it all in. Sometimes Kageyama wondered about where he was, what was he doing, and where was he going. Most of the time those conversations in his head did not go well, and he ended up hating himself a little bit more. But other times, like today, he felt that he could actually let the silence of the world surround him. He kept his mind occupied in fear of letting the voices in his head get too loud, but today at that moment, he felt that he was in control.

He stretched out his arms and felt the breeze on them, even on the scars that were still a painful reminder on his wrist, and he felt grounded. He had to smile.

He reached his building sooner than he expected, and he felt the tiredness in his limbs from a day spent running and jumping around. His legs were aching, and his arms felt like noodles, but he felt alive. He actually felt that he was doing something in his day rather than letting life passed him by.

He went through his same routine. Still no food, screw those pills, put on pajamas and lay down in the bed. The memories from that day came into his mind once again. It was rather strange; nothing had changed that much. He still hated himself, he still had scars on his wrist that he had inflicted with a razor, his stomach still protested from the lack of food, his eyes still had bags under them, and he still had to deal with the voices in his head and the tremble of his hands; and yet, he felt okay, he felt alive.

He smiled.

Maybe this was what happiness felt like.

And with that thought he fell asleep.

 

Morning came faster than expected, and to be honest, faster than desired. Today was Wednesday, which meant he had the same classes he had on Monday, which meant he was going to have Biology and that meant seeing Iwaizumi-san and that meant Kageyama was going to die.

I mean, he was basically stunned that he hadn’t lost his mind the two times he had been with him; but there still was a long time for him to make an embarrassment out of himself in front of Iwaizumi-san, or just die. Kageyama was pretty sure he could just die, but the Gods found his failures so amusing that they let him live so they could have a little bit of free entertainment.

Kageyama sat up from the bed and it was then that he felt the hours of playing volleyball after months hitting his muscles. He still wasn’t sure how much time he had spent playing with Iwaizumi, and yesterday he had been in such a high that he hadn’t noticed or stopped to think that “hey, this might hurt a lot tomorrow.” His body was not amused and made sure it reminded Kageyama that he was an idiot.

He went to the bathroom and took a cold shower that hurt and soothed his muscles at the same time. He noticed that the cuts on his wrist had started turning into scars, and he felt the usual discomfort and pain that came from that.

He went back to his room and looked through his closet. Kageyama wasn’t someone who cared too much about looking good. When you have a low opinion of yourself, you tend to go either two directions: you either make an effort in your appearance to hide the doubts you have behind pretty clothes and makeup, or you give up on looking any different than you feel, which is miserable. Kageyama was the second type of person. He had never really thought too much about it before, there wasn’t anyone in his life he wanted to impress or make an effort for, so who cared if he wore the same pair of jeans and blue shirt three days in a row? Certainly not him.

But now he actually had someone he wanted to make a little effort for. Kageyama felt a little lost trying to search for something that could potentially make him a little less like a mess. He found some red skinny pants that he was pretty sure Hinata had bought for him because he had said, and quote “You are always wearing black that it even makes me depressed, so I got you this little bit of color. If you don’t feel bright, at least you can wear it.” Kageyama was sure he had never worn those pants because he thought he would look ridiculous, and red was such a vibrant color that it could make people turn to look at him, which he really didn’t like.

But today was a special day, and he needed to try a little bit more.

Sighing, he put on the pants and grabbed his long sleeve shirt—he still had those scars to cover up—and grabbed his black snickers. Kageyama looked at himself in the mirror and he felt kind of weird, but he also knew that he had to make an effort or he was never, in a million years, get Iwaizumi’s attention—not that he was going to get it by wearing red pants but hell, it was a start and Kageyama was grabbing that little piece of hope with everything he had.

His backpack was ready to go, and he played with the idea of breakfast for a little bit, deciding to just go without it. He wasn’t hungry anyway. So, he grabbed his water bottle and drunk it all, feeling the liquid filling his empty stomach and it almost made him feel full. Almost.

The day was sunny, and Kageyama could see people walking towards whatever place they were going in the morning. The nice old lady from his building was walking to the store, while he saw the girl from the floor above him riding her bike to school. The good thing about being quiet and observant was that Kageyama learned about people rather quickly. He noticed their behavior, their habits, their likes and dislikes, and even their emotions. He could look all he wanted, and because he was quiet, no one even paid him attention. It was both a blessing and a curse.

The streets were still too loud, and the people still walked around him as if he wasn’t there at all. But Kageyama felt the soft thumb of his heart as a constant reassurance rather than a painful reminded of his anxiety. Funny how a good day can change how you might feel in an instant.

The room looked the same as it had been on Monday. Loud people, loud conversations, and the occasional sound of lips being mushed together. The professor hadn’t shown up yet, and so Kageyama sat down in a desk in the middle of the room. Always looking for the spot where he could easily blend in.

Kageyama kept his eyes fixed on the door, waiting for Iwaizumi to walk in. He probably wouldn’t notice him, but it didn’t matter, he just wanted to see those sweet green eyes that had made him feel calm after so long.

Iwaizumi walked in talking with Kuroo, and Kageyama felt how his breath stopped for a second. It didn’t matter how many times he saw him, or in how many different places he saw him, Iwaizumi always managed to make his breath stop. Kuroo was moving his hands around as if he was telling a story, and Iwaizumi had one of those soft smiles in his face. It should be a crime to look that good in the morning.

Kageyama could feel his hands getting sweaty and the thumbing of his heart getting louder. He had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself down.

The rest of the class was as uneventful as he was expecting it to be. Dr. Hashimoto started explaining about some sort of organism and then Kageyama’s mind wandered to the front of the room where Iwaizumi was. He sat with his arms crossed and his eyes focused on the lesson. Kuroo whispered something in his ear once in a while that made Iwaizumi smile, but nothing too crazy. Kageyama wondered if he had even noticed him when he walked in the room. Probably not.

Time flew by and without really noticing, the class had ended, and everyone had started to leave. Kageyama stood up and grabbed his backpack, looking for a fleeing second at the front of the room where Iwaizumi was. He couldn’t stay, he knew couldn’t, he had to go to class. So, he walked away without looking back. Maybe he would be able to see him later.

Next class was English. And Kageyama would have felt more dread if it wasn’t for the fact that Tendou was in this class. Tendou who was too loud and rash, but who had been one of the few people who had actually tried to get to know him, without wanting anything in return from him.

He sat down on the same seat that he had been on Monday. There was kind of an unspoken rule that the seat you took on your first day at class was going to be your seat for the rest of the semester, and Kageyama wasn’t planning on breaking that rule.

There were still a few minutes till the class started, but Kageyama was already wondering where Tendou was. It was true that they haven’t really gotten to know each other that well, I mean, it’s only the third day, but Kageyama already felt quite comfortable with someone as honest and reliable as Tendou. He kept looking around the room to see if he would show up, but after the professor entered the room, Kageyama realized that Tendou really was not showing up.

Maybe he was being paranoid, or the stress of school was already getting to him but Kageyama felt that something was wrong. He took out his phone and texted Tendou with a short “are you okay?” and tried to pay attention the rest of the class, after all, he was still terrible at English and not paying attention wasn’t going to help him at all. He did try, he really did, but his leg kept moving up and down and his thumbs kept wiggling. He couldn’t really explain why he felt nervous or on edge, he just did. Every two minutes he would glance at his phone to notice that there weren’t any new messages, and that didn’t help his nerves.

One, two, three. He counted in his head. One, two, three breaths.

Suddenly the voice of the professor seemed to fade in the background and Kageyama felt as if he had gone deaf, but his senses had skyrocket at the same time. Every movement, every breath, every whisper suddenly felt as if he was behind a window where he could see everything, but they couldn’t see him back. He wasn’t anxious because of him; he was anxious at a situation regarding someone else that he wasn’t even sure was true. It was ridiculous. Kageyama had to think clearly. Maybe Tendou had slept in, maybe he had forgotten he had something that day and had had to leave, maybe he had gotten sick, maybe… Then why, why did he feel caged?

The class ended, and same as before, people left the classroom before Kageyama even noticed it was time to leave. The feeling of wrongness didn’t leave him, and he felt he needed to do something. Many times, he had felt trapped and had whished for someone to come help him, to notice how scared and lonely he was, and no one ever did. This time, he felt his body was pointing him towards that direction. Maybe he couldn’t help himself, but maybe he could someone else. He needed to see him. He needed to go see Tendou.

Only problem there. Kageyama had absolutely no idea where he lived, and he knew that texting him was out of the question because his last text had gone unanswered. But he needed to do something.

And then he remembered that he had Kenma’s number. Kenma who was with Kuroo, and Kuroo who was close to Tendou. If there was a way, he could actually find a way to see him, he would take it. So, he texted Kenma, and after a few minutes he got the answer he was looking for.

There wasn’t time to lose, so Kageyama grabbed his backpack and decided to head towards Tendou’s place. His chemistry teacher was probably going to hate him as today would be the second day he ditched that class, but those were things for future Kageyama to worry about.

Tendou’s place seemed to be about 20 min. away. He could make it there in 10 if he took the subway. Without losing any more time, he ran towards the station.

The subway wasn’t as crowded as one would expect, probably because it wasn’t lunch time yet—which Kageyama thanked the Gods because he really didn’t want to be squished between two big men. The ride was pretty fast, and in a few minutes,  he found himself at the stop where he was supposed to be. Kageyama still had no idea what he was looking for, or why exactly he had felt he needed to come to Tendou’s home. Logically speaking, maybe he wasn’t even home and Kageyama had ditched his last class for nothing, but he left those thoughts for later preferring on focusing on the now.

The address he had gotten from Kenma seemed to be from an apartment building, which made sense because he doubted any college students had enough money to afford a house, so he walked quickly towards the place.

Once he got there, he noticed the neighborhood. It seemed too quiet, and Kageyama wasn’t sure why that unnerved him more. One, two, three breaths. He ran up the stairs and found the door with the 303 in front of it. Kageyama stood outside it, trying to listen in for any movement, any voices, anything at all; but he was only met with thick silence.

Kageyama could feel the sweat on his palms, and he had to keep telling himself to breathe. He was being paranoid. He was being stupid. Tendou was probably okay and he would open the door once he knocked and laugh at him for being such a worry cat, yeah, that was it. Kageyama knocked on the door.

No answer. No movement. No voice. Nothing.

He knocked again, and again, and again.

“Tendou? Are you there?” Kageyama heard how his voice sounded. It sounded weak, it sounded scared, and he had no idea why.

No answer.

He knocked again, and nothing. He didn’t know how long he had been standing outside of that door, he didn’t know how many times he had knocked. It was all just so quiet.

In a desperate attempt, Kageyama turned the doorknob, not really expecting anything, but it was unlocked, and the door opened. Kageyama’s breath hitched, and he felt cold all of out sudden.

“Tendou! Are you there?” He tried calling one more time, hoping to hear the excited voice answer back.

Nothing.

Kageyama opened the door, slowly, trying to not make a lot of noise. He was met by a rather clean-living room. There was the occasional empty bag of chips, but he couldn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. The place smelled weird though. He couldn’t really pinpoint the smell, but it was too strong for his liking. Tendou was nowhere to be seen.

He felt weird by going into someone else’s house without permission, but the tug at his heart and the insistent worry in his head kept him moving. He just needed to make sure Tendou was okay, and then he would leave. He would be okay. He would probably find him sleeping in his room and laugh at his own paranoia. It would be fine.

He walked into the apartment and closed the door as quietly as he could. If Tendou was indeed sleeping, he didn’t want to wake him up over something he wasn’t even sure meant anything. That same weird smell hit him harder, and he covered his nose with his sleeve. It smelled like vinegar. Kageyama noticed that the kitchen looked deserted, apart from the few plates in the sink. He didn’t notice anything weird, expect for that weird smell of vinegar coming from somewhere, but from what he could see, it wasn’t coming from the kitchen.

The place was still as quiet as it was when he first came in, and he knew that the next room he should probably check was the bedroom. Kageyama felt like a robber, but he just needed to make sure Tendou was indeed okay and that his fears were irrational, like they have always been. He was already inside, so he might as well go all the way.

The silence started becoming even more unnerving, and Kageyama could hear only his own breath coming out in rapid puffs. He could hear the soft creaks on the floor, and it made him feel like he was not ready to walk in whatever he was going to walk on in.

At the end of the hall, Kageyama saw the only closed door in the house left, and he guessed that was Tendou’s bedroom, and that if he was lucky, he would open the door to find him sleeping. Kageyama touched the doorknob and prepared himself, he told himself once more that he was just being paranoid and that he would find nothing behind that door.

Slowly, he opened it.

The smell of vinegar seemed to intensify as he had to close his eyes to shield them from the sun coming through the window. Kageyama opened his eyes and was met with chaos. There were clothes all over the floor, as if Tendou had gone through his closet and drawers, taken out all of his clothes and thrown them on the floor. There was broken glass on the floor too, from what Kageyama could only assume belonged to the broken mirror, and in the middle of that, there was a bed, a bed where Tendou laid.

Tendou’s eyes were closed and he didn’t seem to have noticed Kageyama. What Kageyama did notice was how Tendou’s left arm was looking upward and he had red little holes on his arm. He was wearing a short sleeve shirt, that had seen better days, and a pair of jeans. His face looked pale, paler than he usually would look, except for the redness of his cheeks, and his body seemed to be completely still. He could see the slight rise of Tendou’s chest, so at least Kageyama knew he was breathing. But something was not okay.

Kageyama let his eyes wandered towards the bed, and he saw an empty syringe next to Tendou, a spoon with a brown tint left from whatever it was that was holding, and a forgotten lighter. Kageyama might not know a lot about different things, but the smell and the weird mix of things left in the bed made that weird feeling of wrongness come over him once more.

He walked over to the bed, feeling the intensity of the sweat in his palms intensify and the sinking feeling on his chest turning into more of a punch to the gut.

It all just felt wrong. Oh, so wrong.

Once Kageyama was right next to Tendou he noticed the little bags with some sort of white powder on them, most of them empty. Kageyama turned his eyes to Tendou’s closed ones. He took a hold of his shoulder and shook him. One, two, three times.

Tendou began stirring. He opened his eyes.

“Tendou?” Kageyama could barely listen to his own voice, it sounded like a whisper.

Tendou’s eyes were unfocused and he seemed so out of it.

“Pretty boy…?” Tendou asked, with a raspy voice that didn’t sound like his own “What are you doing here?”

Suddenly, it all made sense. The feeling of wrongness and worry, the unanswered messages, the distinguished smell of vinegar, the syringe, the bags of white powder, the redness on his cheeks, the chaotic room. Suddenly, it all clicked in Kageyama’s head.

And he had no idea what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What?! Is this a new chapter? YOU BET YOUR BUTT IT IS!  
> Gosh, guys, I am so sorry I have taken forever to post this. It all started with no inspiration and then I was depressed, and then I wrote a little bit and lost what I had written, and then I still had zero inspiration and felt that I was slowly letting my own brain consume me, and then I saw the last comment on my chapter and I realized that man, you guys are great, and I told myself that I needed to keep going, so here it is.  
> To be honest, I am even surprised at this turn of events, but hey, it will start to make sense if it doesn't right now. I said there will be angst so, you have been warned.  
> Anyway, I really really appreciate all the support I have been shown since I started this story, really. It means the world to me to know that people actually enjoy what I write and that I can touch someone with this story.  
> I will keep writing guys, I will try to keep it up, but if I take a little longer just be patient and amazing like you have been so far. Thank you for everything!  
> See you next time~~*


	9. Madness

Kageyama felt the air in his lungs being held down by an invisible hand. He had heard about drugs, because of course he had, teenagers do stuff that they think may make them popular or “cool” and for whatever reason getting high on something had always been on that list.

He had never been interest in drugs. It made no sense to him. Why do people get out of feeling your senses numbing and your body losing control? He had his own legal drugs to deal with, that he thought people who actually choose to put something on their bodies for the thrill of it was idiotic. He never went to many parties, and if he did, he was always with Yachi and Hinata who were both two pure to smoke weed or something else; the only thing he knew they had done was they had gotten drunk maybe once or twice, but that was high school. People did stupid stuff because they thought that made them adults, that made seemed cooler, and he never cared too much about what people thought of him in that sense. So yeah, he wasn’t drinking till losing control of his limbs and he wasn’t smoking some type of drug till he laughed at invisible figures, and yeah, people called him names because of it, but he was used to being ignored and made fun of, it wasn’t anything new.

Because he hadn’t attended many parties or had many friends, he had never really seen someone high, much less on something strong. And now here he was, looking at Tendou laying on his bed with his arm filled with tiny red spots and that awful smell of vinegar.

Tendou had called his name, so he knew Kageyama had come, he knew who the person was who had put a hand on his shoulder; and yet, his eyes seemed glazy and unfocused, his lips dry and his forehead sweaty.

“Tendou… what did you do?” Kageyama’s voice came almost as a whisper. His hand was still on Tendou’s shoulder, and he could feel the tingle in his arms. He was scared, he had no idea how to deal with this.

Tendou’s unfocused eyes seemed to become clearer for a second while he moved them to see Kageyama’s face. Kageyama felt the tension in the air and the time seemed to move so slowly, too slowly.

And then, Tendou smiled.

But it wasn’t one of the happy smiles that Kageyama had seen from him for the past few days. It wasn’t a smile that held mischief and pure bliss underneath. It was empty. One of the smiles Kageyama had seen on the mirror many times when he needed to convince people he was fine. It was a smile full of pain, and his eyes held the anger of a broken soul.

Tendou’s laughed filled the room. Kageyama felt the hair on his arms stand at the sound, it sounded wrong, it sounded forced, it didn’t sound like Tendou.

Red eyes opened to look directly at him.

“What do you mean?” Tendou’s voice still sounded too hoarse.

_Wrong. Wrong. Wrong._

“Tendou… your arm…” Kageyama tried to get his voice to sound normal, he wanted to be someone who Tendou could really on, just as how Tendou had been to him. But Kageyama wasn’t strong, he wasn’t direct, he wasn’t confident enough. He always let the people he cared about alone. He felt useless.

“Oh?” Tendou’s fake smile was still on his face “You mean this?” Tendou grabbed his left arm with his right hand, and Kageyama knew he was trying to appear unaffected. “Have you never seen someone doing drugs before?”

“I—” No, he hadn’t, and wasn’t that pathetic? How was he supposed to help? What was he supposed to do? He knew drugs were no good, so he held onto that little knowledge to try to talk through Tendou. “That is not the point. Why are you doing this?”

“Why do people do anything at all, eh?” Tendou’s eyes moved from Kageyama’s face to the center of his room, the broken glass and discarded clothes still on the floor. “To feel something.”

“But—Tendou, look at yourself.”

The room was filled again with the emptiest laugh Kageyama had ever heard.

“Are you trying to tell me something, pretty boy? Are you going to tell me that drugs are wrong and that I should look for help? Ha, save it. I have heard it all before.”

“But you can’t even move from your bed. Is this why you didn’t come to class today? To get high?” Kageyama felt his voice getting louder by the second. He was scared, but not scared for him, he was scared for Tendou. This random guy who had taken him under his arm and helped him after only two days of knowing each other. This guy who Kageyama had seen had fire in his eyes and seemed to want to rule the world, and Kageyama had actually believed that he could do it. And now, here he was. This was not Tendou, not the Tendou he knew. “How long has this been going on?”

Rage. Tendou’s eyes suddenly held rage, and it was directed at Kageyama.

“Why do you care? What do you even know about me?”

“I know enough to realize that I hate to see you like this!” Kageyama’s voice was finally at full force. He could feel his hands, that he had closed into fists, shaking from the pressure he felt over him. He felt tension, and the room was too small, but he couldn’t leave.

He wouldn’t leave the person who had taken his hand when he wanted to jump in front of traffic and end his misery right then.

“Please, you know nothing.”

“You told me about yourself, didn’t you? What was all that about how people made fun of you, but you kept going? Was that just a bunch of bullshit?! And now you are just hurting yourself like they wanted!” Kageyama was angry now, and he didn’t plan on backing down.

Tendou curled his hands into fists and his face fell, looking at his lap.

It was quiet for a second.

“I never lied. But sometimes, life gets too hard and I want to forget about it for a while, okay? Stop acting like you don’t know what I mean.”

“What are you talking about? I have never done drugs.”

Suddenly those red eyes were focused on him once more, and this time, they held fire again.

“Please, you think I haven’t noticed?”

Kageyama was confused now, very confused. He tried to remember something that he might have told Tendou that he would use against him in this situation, but for the past few days, it was mostly Tendou who did the talking while Kageyama followed along.

“The hell are you talking about?” Tendou smirked, as if he knew something that he didn’t. It looked like a predator looks at its prey before jumping in front of it to kill it.

“Why don’t you take off your bracelet?”

Kageyama literally felt how he stopped breathing, and it seemed as if time has stopped.

“W-what?” He stuttered and felt the confidence and anger he had had leave him. And then came the familiar feeling of dread and the hand on his chest.

His breath started to become erratic.

“Why don’t you take off your bracelet?” Tendou repeated, enunciating each word with force, his eyes unwavering.

“Why—why would I do that?”

The room seemed to get smaller.

“You think I haven’t noticed how you always seemed to be wearing long sleeve shirts and that bracelet?”

“So what? I like this bracelet, it’s not a bad thing to wear a bracelet.”

“Then prove me wrong. Take it off.”

Kageyama’s hand went instictically towards his left wrist and he held it, afraid of the look Tendou was giving him. No one had ever seen his scars; he wasn’t about to let someone see it. He couldn’t let anyone see them.

“N-no.” Kageyama’ voice was now a whisper, and he sounded so scared.

_Pathetic._

“Take it off.”

“No.”

“I said take it off!” Tendou said, the last word sounding now almost like a scream, and he grabbed Kageyama’s wrist with his hand.

Kageyama struggled to get out of his grasp, but even when Tendou was high he was still strong enough to hold him into place. Kageyama had lost a lot of his strength after stopping with volleyball, and he hadn’t had anything to eat today. His body was weak, weak and tired.

“Tendou, let go.” Kageyama could feel his voice wavering. He didn’t want Tendou to see his scars. He didn’t want to show anyone that side of his. He felt caged, and he couldn’t run, he couldn’t hide, he couldn’t breathe.

With one swift motion, Tendou pulled out his bracelet and Kageyama felt the breeze hit his arm. He winced.

“Let’s take a look, shall we?” Tendou lifted his sleeve a little bit and suddenly he could see the mess that was his wrist. The cuts had only started to turn into scars, and the flesh still looked reddish. Kageyama liked seeing the cuts right after it had happened, but he hated seeing the scars once he was done; he felt he had been to weak to stop, he felt ashamed, so he covered them.

And now, Tendou had taken out the only layer covering them, and he was looking at them.

Tendou kept his arm in his hand, and he looked at Kageyama with those red eyes.

“Don’t go around telling me to not hurt myself when you are the one cutting through your skin.”

Kageyama felt shame and pain.

He couldn’t breathe.

He had to calm down. One, two, three. One, two, three.

He yanked his wrist away from Tendou’s grasp, his bracelet falling to the floor.

“You—you have no right, you don’t know why…” Kageyama’s voice was trembling, his words seemed to mix together as he covered his wrist with his right hand.

“Don’t I? Don’t you do it to feel something physical to escape that emotional pain, the voices on your head telling you how worthless and pathetic you are? Don’t you do it to remind yourself that you are nothing but a waste of space and that your pain will always be there, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do.” Tendou’s eye seemed to become glazy by the second, and his voice was ringing with emotion. “So, you cut. You cut to have the reminder permanent in your body, the reminder of all your failures. But it feels good, doesn’t it? You can’t escape it; you know you can't. You can spend maybe days, weeks, even months without doing it; but, deep down you know you will go back to it. So, don’t tell me that I am hurting myself, don’t tell me to stop, because we both know what I am doing is the same thing you are doing.”

Kageyama felt how his throat started closing. He couldn’t breathe, his eyes seemed to have stopped focusing on anything else but Tendou.

He was right, wasn’t he?

What gave him the right to try to help him when he couldn’t even help himself?

“What I do is not going to kill me…” Kageyama said those words before even realizing it, and when he did, he knew it was too late to take it back. Tendou’s eyes, if possible, seemed to become sharper and that anger, that palpable and deep anger was not directed at the situation anymore, it was directed at Kageyama.

“Won’t it? What if one day you cut a vein, eh? What if one day you go too deep and before you know, you find yourself on the floor, bleeding to death?” Tendou put one of his legs on the ground and slowly, very slowly, started standing up. “Do you think what you do is harmless? You know damn well that is not true. You do it because it hurts, but the pain is better than the desperation in your head.”

Each word seemed to hit Kageyama harder. They cut through him like a knife. He knew Tendou was right, he knew that what he did wasn’t okay. Normal people don’t take a blade and cut their wrist, because normal people don’t like pain. Normal people don’t hyperventilate at the mere thought of someone seeing the scars on their bodies. Normal people don’t hide in their rooms till they can barely remember how the sun and the sky looked.

Kageyama was not normal.

“Tendou.” Kageyama said, his voice wavering. Tendou had stood up and was now standing in front of him. They weren’t that far apart in height, and yet, Kageyama felt very small. “I just want to help you.”

Tendou threw his head back and laughed. He laughed like Kageyama had told him the most hilarious joke, he laughed like other kids had laughed at Kageyama when he couldn’t solve a problem in class, he laughed like everyone else in his life seemed to do.

And then it stopped.

The silence was heavy. Kageyama could feel the shivers that were running up his spine, and his hands had started to shake.

“Get out of my house.”

It felt like a bucket full of ice-cold water had been thrown over Kageyama. His senses told him it was time to leave, he needed to get out, but he couldn’t move.

“What?”

He didn’t get it. Friends are supposed to help each other, aren’t they? That’s what good people do; they help those who are in need of help. Then why, why was Tendou looking at him with so much anger, so much rage? So much hate?

“Get out of my fucking house!” Tendou screamed, waving his right arm in front of him and signaling at the door.

_Pathetic._

Kageyama couldn’t move. He wanted to run, he wanted to scream, he wanted to hide. And he couldn’t move.

“I said get out!” The screams became erratic, and the arm that had been waving around in circular motions came to hit Kageyama’s chest. It didn’t hurt, not physically at least.

Isn’t it funny? How you think you may have found something, someone, in your life that can understand, that won’t leave you, that won’t break you like everything else has done in your life. And when you get too comfortable with that thought, when you start to hold onto the hope of having a better life, a better future, when you have finally reached and grasped a tiny piece of happiness, everything crumbles down. Because you can’t be happy. Normal people are happy.

And Kageyama was not normal.

He forced his body to move after realizing he had ended up on the floor after one of Tendou’s hits. He was pathetic, alright. He was weak and he was stupid. But he had been lying about his happiness his whole goddamn life. He had smiled when he needed to, and he had said he was okay. He had spent night and days in his room while others went out with friends. He knew the feeling of disappointment, he knew sadness, he knew pain.

And if that was the only feelings that life will grant him with, then he will keep living a life full of misery, alone, like he has always been.

Shaky legs, unfocused eyes, trembling hands and a face covered in tears he hadn’t even noticed had fallen; Kageyama stood up with the feeling of emotional pain still on his chest and he ran. He ran as fast as his weak legs would let him, not being to able to hear anything else but the buzzing in his ears.

He ran. He ran like he had always ran away from his problems, he ran like his legs weren’t screaming at him to stop, he ran forgetting the fallen bracelet and feeling the breeze on his arms, he ran with tears on his eyes and he could barely make out the street.

He couldn’t tell if there were people around him, he didn’t know what time it was, and he didn’t know where to go. He felt caged, worthless, and in so much pain.

He needed to talk to someone, but he knew there was no one in his phone that he would call when he was falling apart like this, he knew he didn’t want to be a burden and he knew no one cared enough to listen to his problems. His eyes hurt, and his hands were grasping his head in a desperate attempt to stop, calm down, breathe. He needed to breathe.

He felt his legs gave out and he fell. He didn’t even know where he was, he couldn’t even open his eyes because it hurt so damn bad, he didn’t know his way around Tokyo. He had missed his last class, he had left school to go see someone who had literally pushed him out of the door, and now he felt so lost. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted to punch something; he wanted to speak to someone so much. He wanted to feel like someone cared, but he was so alone. And the world had proven him once again that that was all he was ever going to be. No one wanted to fix what is broken, they throw it away like they have no attachment to it because it can be replaced. If he died, were there would be people crying for him? Would there be at least someone who remembered him after a few years have passed?

He still couldn’t hear anything but the buzzing in his ears, but he knew he was in the middle of the street. He couldn’t stay there. With shaky legs, and the pain in his eyes after opening them to the sudden brightness, he stood up and walked over the closest alley that he could find. His back hit the cold wall and he felt his legs gave out once again. There was no point in trying, was it? No matter how many days he can pretend that life will get better, he will always go back to the darkness of reality. And he hated it, he hated it, _he hated it_.

He pulled his hair and punched the wall as hard as his weak arms would let him. He didn’t even notice he was screaming till he felt the raw pain on his throat.

He needed to go to the library to work, but he couldn’t even stand. He kept punching the wall till he felt blood pouring out of his bruised knuckles, he couldn’t stop punching, he needed to scream, he needed to punch, he needed to bruise; because once he stopped, his mind will take a hold of him and he would fall into madness. He knew it.

Shallow breaths after each scream, shudder after each punch. He could feel his mind fuzzy with nothingness.

“Kageyama?”

He was pathetic. So pathetic. How could he ever find some sort of happiness? He had let himself become too cocky, he knew no one would ever love him. No. _Pathetic._

Everything hurt. He wanted the pain to stop, he needed the pain to stop.

One punch, two punches, three punches.

And then, everything stopped.

Something pulled him and he felt his body being held, it almost felt like how his mother had held him when he was a child scared of the monsters under his bed. It was warm, so warm. Kageyama wanted to reach and touch the warm, he wanted to keep the warm with him, but he was scared of being burned. His hand had stopped punching the wall and now he couldn’t move it, his hand was also being held down by something warm. His ears kept buzzing, and his eyes refused to open; but ever so slowly he could almost feel the words of someone telling him to calm down, telling him to breathe, telling him to open his eyes.

Everything was too much. The sun was too bright, the street was too loud, the pain was too sharp, the warm holding him was too intense. He wanted to keep screaming, he wanted to keep running, he wanted to leave; but something refused to let him go even when Kageyama felt himself trying to move away from it. It never budged.

“Breathe.”

It was a soft voice. It sounded far away, and it was as sweet as cotton candy, and it was grounding. Kageyama forced himself to focus on the voice, focus on what the voice was telling him to do, and he gasped one, two, three times, over and over again, until he felt his desperate gasps turn into deep and slower breaths. His knuckles still hurt, but now he could feel the soft touch of a thumb running over them. His throat still felt like it was being ripped open, but now he could feel the soft breaths going over it instead of the broken screams. His head was throbbing, but for some reason, he felt safe. It still hurt, it still hurt so much, but the warmth felt good.

“That’s it, breathe, I got you.”

Kageyama felt a reassuring hand going over his back soothingly. The fuzziness was still all over his head and he couldn’t quite yet understand what was happening around him, but he could breathe, there was air going inside and outside of his lungs, and it was okay.

Kageyama opened his eyes slowly, trying to shield himself from the brightness of the sun that he knew was there, and he realized that he was being held by someone’s arms. Soft, strong, reliable arms.

“Hey, Kageyama, can you hear me?”

Kageyama knew that voice, he recognized the rough yet soft tone. That was the same voice that had plagued Kageyama’s dreams for a long time.

Suddenly feeling dread, he lifted his head and separated himself from the chest that he had been cradled in. And then he saw those same green eyes that he had learned to love so much, those green eyes that were looking at him with worry, _pity_.

No. He hated pity. Pity was given to people who were looked down upon, people who didn’t have a future, people whose life was a joke, people who were pathetic. Pathetic like him.

No.

From all the people who could have found him, it had to be him, right? Was the world not done laughing at him? Why? Why? Why him?!

“Kageyama?”

Everything turned black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this chapter hurt me. These past few days have been hard, and my emotions have been pretty messed up lately. I felt caged, I felt alone, and I felt that I couldn't tell anyone; thus, many of my emotions and thoughts are portrayed in Kageyama. Gotta work through it, right? Also, don't be mad at Tendou, that precious cinnamon roll is also in pain.  
> Once again, thank you for all the support!  
> I hope you liked this chapter and I will see you next time!


	10. Medicine

Darkness.

That was the first thing that Kageyama thought when he started recovering his conscience. His mid felt fuzzy, and his body felt heavy; even though for some reason he felt as if he was laying on a cloud. It was comfortable, but it was the sort of comfort that brought confusion.

He opened his eyes, painfully slow, trying to keep his mind from splitting open with all the pain he felt. What the hell had he been doing for his head to start hurting like this? Kageyama couldn’t remember the last thing that had happened for the life of him, but once he opened his eyes, his confusion just kept growing.

He was laying on a bed in a room. A simple room with bare walls and books on a desk with the little lamp turned on. That would have been fine if it had been his room. Problem was, he didn’t have any idea where he was.

Kageyama sat up way too quickly and he started to feel the panic gripped his heart and yanked it from his chest. Memories from the last few hours started to pass through his head as fast as they came, almost as if he was watching a movie playing on his head. He had been worried about Tendou. He had found out where his house was and had gone to see him and make sure he was okay. He had found Tendou laying on his bed with drugs all over his bed and him barely keeping it together. He had tried to talk to Tendou to make him realize that what he was doing was wrong, and then Tendou had told him to take off his bracelet, which had ended in him telling him how much of an hypocrite he was, and sadly, Kageyama would have had to agree.

But the question remained, where was he? Kageyama didn’t remember ever reaching his apartment, and he was still pretty sure this was not his apartment or any other place he recognized. What the hell.

“Oh good, you are up.”

And that was the moment Kageyama realized that, without a doubt, the universe and the gods above hated him.

The dread on his chest seemed to intensify by the second, but Kageyama knew that there was no more avoiding the inevitable. He turned around to face the desk beside the table, and there he was, Iwaizumi Hajime in all of his beautiful glory. The soft light of the lamp lighted up his face features and made him look almost ethereal, or that might have been Kageyama’s stupid crush doing the talking. He had that same soft smile that he had always had when he was talking to Kageyama, for some weird reason that he supposed it had to be that he was his junior. He had a laptop and a book open in front of him and he seemed so comfortable.

And then he remembered. He remembered the soft touch of a hand and the warm embrace of strong arms before he saw the owner of that body and he, quite literally, fell into a world of darkness.

“I hope you don’t mind that I brought you to my apartment. I didn’t know where else to take you…” Iwaizumi said with a sheepish grin, scratching the back of his head with one of his hands.

Kageyama had always known that his life was some sort of joke. The guy with the talent to play a sport that demanded a team, and a team who refused to play with him. The brash guy who spoke way to loud but was often plagued by the voices in his head. The guy who after finally finding a team that was willing to stick with him discovered that his biggest enemy was, and always had been, himself. But this right here, that moment, that might have been the biggest middle finger the world had given him so far.

Kageyama looked at his hands that were on his lap. He was laying on Iwaizumi Hajime’s bed, comfortably snuggled with what must be his blanket and dear lord, the knuckles on his hand was bandaged and he just hoped that he hadn’t seem his wrist.

He had to say something, anything really. Probably thank him.

“Work!”

Not the idea he had but his mouth opened before his brain caught up to what was coming out of it. And now that he had said it, the thought actually started processing.

“Oh my god, what time is it? I have work, I need to leave, I am gonna get fired.” Kageyama started speaking a hundred miles per hour as he tried to get out of the bundle of warm blankets he was in. It was legit the first week and he couldn’t believe he had already managed to screw up his first job.

“Hey, hey, hey, Kageyama, calm down!” Iwaizumi said standing up and going over to him, putting his hands on his knees and Kageyama was sure that if he hadn’t been freaking out over losing his job he might have fainted again. “I called your job, I told them you couldn’t make it for an emergency and your boss said it was okay.”

“How—?” Kageyama said, looking up at Iwaizumi’s worried green eyes.

“I remembered you telling me when you worked at the library, and there was no way in hell I was going to let you go to your job after I found you.”

Oh no.

Had this man carried him all the way to his apartment while Kageyama was out from his anxiety driven freaked out? Yeah, it was official. The world did hate him.

“Did you—?” Words failed Kageyama and he didn’t know what to do with his hands.

Iwaizumi moved his thumb in what Kageyama thought was supposed to be a comforting gesture but having your crush so close to you and touching you was pretty much a formula for a disaster.

“Bring you here? Yeah, again, I hope you don’t mind. It’s pretty dark out so I think it would be better if you stayed for the night. I can make you something to eat! I mean, I might not be the best cook, but I can probably make something; and I bet my roommates won’t mind. They are not even home yet.”

Kageyama could literally only stare with his eyes as wide open as they could go. Not only had Iwaizumi brought him to his house and let him lay on his bed, not only had he wrapped his knuckles probably so he didn’t hurt them anymore, but now he was offering to make food for him and letting him sleep in his apartment.

Kageyama was starting to think he might be dead.

Maybe he died in that alley and this is some sort of weird joke his brain is making him have.

_Goddammit Kageyama, get it together._

“What?”

Nailed it.

Iwaizumi stopped talking for a second and then, he was laughing. It was one of those heartfelt laughs you let out when you find something, or someone, as amusing as it is also endearing. It was doing things to Kageyama’s chest that he preferred not to dwell upon.

“I am sorry, you just look so confused right now.” Iwaizumi said, still laughing. And Kageyama had the sinking feeling that he should be offended, that he should be mad because it seemed that Iwaizumi was laughing at him, but his laugh was so contagious that he had to smile. “So, care to join me?”

There were many things he could do. He could say sorry for being a bother and go back to his lonely apartment, pretending this had never happened while also hitting himself in the head over and over again; he could say he was busy or something, he could leave… but he didn’t want to.

Kageyama took his hand, and that warm smile was back on Iwaizumi’s face and that fuzzy feeling in Kageyama’s chest was back.

“Alright! Well, like I said, I am not expert cook, but I usually don’t have to cook for anyone but myself, so I guess I can try a little harder.”

Iwaizumi dropped his hand once again, and Kageyama felt the warmth still on his hand. Now, there was only the soft breeze of nothingness.

Once they left what Kageyama now knew was Iwaizumi’s bedroom, he was met by the soft light of the living room. Kageyama knew that being a struggling college student meant that most of the time the apartments they had were not really that nice, and if they were, it meant their parents were either paying for it or they had roommates to share the price with. According to what he had said Kageyama assumed Iwaizumi must be the second option.

The kitchen was nice, way better than what Kageyama had that was for sure, and it was obvious that this kitchen was actually used. There were some bowls with fruit on the counter, and clean dishes next to the sink. It looked like a normal kitchen, but it looked like an actual living place, rather than the almost empty space that was in Kageyama’s apartment.

“I hope you like curry because that was pretty much what I was planning to make. I need to buy more groceries.” Iwaizumi said, looking back to smile at Kageyama for a second and then went back to start taking out the ingredients needed for the curry.

“I actually love curry; pork curry is my favorite.”

“Well, then I guess pork curry it is.”

It was rather interesting, how normal and calm Iwaizumi seemed to be. If what had happened wasn’t an actual dream of his psychotic mind, he was pretty sure Iwaizumi had seen him pretty much break down in the alley while hurting himself and letting the blood drip down his hand; and yet, here he was, walking around the kitchen, taking out food and talking to Kageyama with a smile like he had invited him over out of his own will instead of finding him and bringing him to his apartment out of pity.

He didn’t know a lot about him, that was true, but from what he had been seeing the past few days, his crush wasn’t going to leave anytime soon if instead of realizing that he had put Iwaizumi in a pedestal and he was just like any other guy, he had actually start realizing that he had never been close to knowing him but the real guy was far better than what he could come out with in his head.

“Do you need any help?” Kageyama said, feeling his voice finally going back to normal.

“Sure, I usually never get help so this should be fun. Here, you can cut some veggies.” Iwaizumi said, taking out a cutting board and giving it to Kageyama. “Do you like to cook?”

“I don’t think I have ever done it too much for me to find it enjoyable.” Kageyama said, focusing on the task at hand of cutting those vegetables. “I guess I just never really found the time.” Which was true, most of the time there was not time or actual desire to eat.

“How are you getting use to being in Tokyo then? Is it weird not being home with home cooked meals?” Kageyama heard the teasing tome in the last sentence and saw the glint in his eyes. It was calm.

“Not really. I guess it’s weird living alone, but I wouldn’t exactly say that it’s bad, just different.”

“Yeah, I think I felt kind of lost for the very first few months I had in Tokyo. It’s a really different place than Miyagi, that is for sure; but I guess it was even weirder to know that I didn’t know anyone anymore.”

“You felt lost?” From all of the things Kageyama had expected Iwaizumi to tell him, that was not one of them. Iwaizumi had always seemed so secure, so grounded. Between him and Oikawa, he was always the one who knew what to say, when to say it, the one who never gave up and yet he knew when to take a break and breathe.

“Is that so hard to believe?” Iwaizumi said, side eying Kageyama while he put the rice on the pot.

“I guess, I just never really saw you as the type to—” To what exactly? Feel lost? Kageyama felt that he couldn’t say that. Everyone feels lost once in a while, saying otherwise would be a lie. And yet, he just couldn’t picture it with Iwaizumi.

“To feel lost? You would be surprised.” Iwaizumi’s easy smile turned into more of a sad smile, his eyes looking at nothing in particular as if he was remembering something. “We had just lost our last chance of beating Shiratorizawa, and I felt like I had let not only my team but my friends down.”

“You didn’t—”

“Don’t.” Iwaizumi said, firmly but kindly. “It’s okay, really. Back then, to us it seemed that the world was ending, you know? We have worked years to beat one team. We spent days and nights practicing and studying our opponents. I had to see Oikawa slowly letting himself fall into a pit of obsession. I was supposed to be the ace, and yet, I had let my team down once again, and that time there were no more tries.”

Kageyama felt guilty. He knew he shouldn’t, and that Iwaizumi wasn’t telling him this for him to feel bad, but he couldn’t help but feel it anyway. Karasuno had played fair and they had trained hard, so he knew they had deserved their win, but it’s easy to forget that when a team gets closer to the top, there is another team that stays at the bottom.

“And then I had to move from Miyagi to Tokyo. My friends were going all over the country to study and the one constant in my life was going to another place too. I just felt that everything was slowly falling apart, and I could do nothing to stop it. Funny how little you realize you have lived once you have to move from your hometown.” Iwaizumi laughed bitterly. “And well, Tokyo was so different, very different; and I suddenly just felt like a small fish on a sea full of them. I went from having a place in the world figure out to not knowing where the hell I was gonna go.”

“What did you do?” Kageyama couldn’t help but ask. Iwaizumi was almost describing how he has been feeling the past few days, without the mental problems throw in the mix, and if there was someone who could tell him how to keep moving, maybe it was Iwaizumi.

“I threw myself into school and work, and slowly started hating my life a little bit each day.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t look so down.” Iwaizumi patted his shoulder. “I think it was a necessary thing. Then I pretty much started getting tired of feeling sorry for myself and decided to move on. Started playing volleyball again, found a job that I actually enjoyed and started talking to some people. Once I got out of my head for a little, I think I realized that the world kept going and I just had to get used to it.”

Kageyama found himself looking at Iwaizumi’s profile. He looked at peace. Not like he had no problems or worries, but he looked in control. He made it seem easy.

Kageyama wished he could do that.

After that, they kept preparing the curry in silence. It wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable, nor was it comfortable. It was the kind of silence you want to break and at the same time you don’t want to do anything to break the peace.

Kageyama wasn’t sure how much time had gone by, but at that moment, it didn’t exactly matter. Iwaizumi had that soft smile on his face while he was cooking and Kageyama had the warmth on his chest; things were okay.

He could worry about the impeding hatred of the state he had been in later. That was a problem for future Kageyama.

“I think now we just need to wait for the food to cook.” Iwaizumi said, wiping his hands on a rag.

“Hm.” Kageyama made a sound of acknowledgement. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk, but most of the time he preferred not to if he could save his breath.

“Want to watch a movie or something?”

“Sure.”

They both moved to the small living room that was next to the kitchen. There was a small TV in the middle of the room and Kageyama noticed that the sky was already pretty dark outside. If he had been planning on leaving, he knew there was no point anymore because he didn’t even know where he was or how far was he from his own apartment.

“Okay well, most of our movies are old classics, so if you are into that then that is great; and if you are not, who even are you?” Iwaizumi smiled teasingly over his shoulder at Kageyama and once again he was hit with the sense of normalcy. He acted like Kageyama was normal.

It felt good.

“I can’t say I have watched many classic movies… or well, it depends on what you consider a classic.”

“Well, none of the crap that they make these days, that is for sure.” Iwaizumi said while going through some DVDs. “So, want to embrace your inner nerd, swoon over ridiculous love stories or get scared over bad quality effects?”

Kageyama had never been one to know a lot about popular culture, and he never really cared for scary movies. “I don’t really care. I can’t say I know a lot about movies.”

Iwaizumi turned back to look at him again as if he had personally offended him. “You are a disgrace.” He said with such a serious tone that Kageyama couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m sorry, Iwaizumi-senpai.” Kageyama said with a smile. “I will try to learn more about movies.”

“Stop it with the senpai already. And I guess it’s my duty now to teach you about real art.” Iwaizumi said with a sigh, turning around holding two different DVDs on each hand. “Okay, your pick. It’s between Harry Potter, because I swear if you haven’t watched these movies, I will have to kick you out, and Psycho, because I love old classic horror.”

“I can’t say I have watched either of them.”

And then Iwaizumi’s face turned into one of more disappointment, if that was possible, at Kageyama’s obvious lack of knowledge in movies.

“Kageyama, I don’t even know what to say. I am not letting you keep on living such a sad life where you don’t know which Hogwarts house you are.”

“Hmm, what?”

“Okay, Harry Potter it is.”

Iwaizumi put on the DVD and went to the couch in front of the TV. He patted the space next to him and smiled at Kageyama, who realized he was telling him to come sit next to him, and who was he to refuse?

Kageyama walked to the couch and sat next to Iwaizumi. The space between them wasn’t that big as it was a small couch, and Kageyama felt the now familiar weight on his chest. Constant and strong, but not bad.

The movie started and the apartment was filled with the voices of the characters in TV and the soft noise of the pot boiling in the kitchen. Kageyama didn’t quite understand the whole magic thing, not that he didn’t believe it, but he was just confused by some things in the movie and he kept asking more information that what the movies was giving. Iwaizumi just kept telling him that they would have to watch the rest of the Harry Potter movies for him to understand everything and that there was no way he was going to spoil anything. Kageyama asked how many movies there were and when Iwaizumi said there were eight, he couldn’t quite believe it.

“Eight movies?”

“The books are seven, but they divided the last one in two parts for the movies. They are pretty good, but of course the books are far better.”

“Can I just know who the traitor is?”

“No. Now shut up and watch the movie.” And with a tiny laugh Kageyama kept watching the movie.

He didn’t know if he was into the whole magic thing, but the fact that Iwaizumi seemed rather happy to be watching it made it worth it. About twenty minutes in, Iwaizumi went to serve some bowls with curry and came back to the couch with two of them. Kageyama thanked him and started eating, and he realized Iwaizumi was a big freaking liar.

“Didn’t you say you weren’t a great cook?” He asked with an eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, because I am not.” Iwaizumi said, with food still on his mouth looking like a squirrel with confused look on his face.

“This bowl of curry would beg to differ.”

Iwaizumi laughed.

“Well, it took two people.”

“I only cut the vegetables.”

“And they are great.”

Kageyama knew this man was too good for his own good, but this was just ridiculous.

Iwaizumi turned around and played the rest of the movie. Kageyama noticed how as more time went on, he became more invested and interest in the movie. The story was well written, and he started cheering for Harry, getting annoyed at Hermione snarky remarks, and wanting to punch the Malfoy kid.

“Harry should just punch him.” Kageyama found himself saying after another scene where the Malfoy kid bullied Harry.

Iwaizumi laughed, “You are such a Slytherin, you know?”

“Excuse you? Are you saying I am evil?”

“Not at all. Slytherins are not evil, they are just ambitious, and they go for what they want. The author just put lots of bad people in that house, but it’s really not the house’s fault.”

“Is that a good thing?” Kageyama asked nervously.

“Well, wouldn’t you agree? I think Slytherins are great, and you fit the bill, after all, I have never seen you give up.” Kageyama’s breath got caught in his throat. “But hey, we won’t know until you take the Pottermore test; after that then it’s official.”

“The what?” Kageyama felt his mind trying to catch up to all the information it was receiving, and it was kind of failing. He was tired and confused, but he never wanted the night to end.

“The Pottermore test.” Iwaizumi repeated, “Don’t worry about it for now, just keep watching.”

They ate and sat in comfortable silence, only being broken by the occasional remarks about the movie.

Kageyama wasn’t exactly sure how much time had gone by. He wasn’t sure why he felt so comfortable and words came out easier, and he wasn’t sure why Iwaizumi hadn’t asked him about his mental state after clearly noticing something was wrong; but for once, he didn’t care.

It wasn’t like his anxieties had vanished, or that his mind had been fixed; but he wasn’t scared at the moment. He wouldn’t exactly call it happiness, as he wasn’t sure what that meant most of the time, but he was content. At peace.

And then Iwaizumi’s phone rang, disturbing the comfortable silence that had fallen over them.

“Oh, sorry.” Iwaizumi said, standing up. “You can keep watching the movie, I will be right back.”

Kageyama watched him leave the room. The apartment wasn’t really that big, and Iwaizumi had only gone to the kitchen to answer his call. Even though Iwaizumi told him to keep watching the movie, it felt weird to watch it without him, so Kageyama stopped the movie and watched him to see when he will be done.

“What?” Kageyama heard Iwaizumi said, his voice sounding annoyed for a second, but he could detect a hint of almost endearment underneath. “I am kind of busy at the moment. Yeah well, I have told you before that I have friends—shut up or I will kill you.”

Kageyama couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation, but with how Iwaizumi was talking he had a sneaking suspicion of who he was talking to, after all there was only one person who Kageyama had ever heard Iwaizumi talking that way and Kageyama sure as hell knew he wasn’t going to like it.

“I can’t right now, you piece of crap. Because I have company! Ugh, fine, but only for a few minutes.”

Kageyama knew he shouldn’t be eavesdropping; eavesdropping was wrong, and Iwaizumi had been nothing but nice to him and you shouldn’t do those kinds of things to people who are nice to you. But he couldn’t help it. Iwaizumi had gone behind the counter in the kitchen and had his back to Kageyama. He could walk a little closer to the kitchen and he wouldn’t notice… right?

Oh, screw it.

Kageyama walked a little closer, squatting the whole way, trying really hard to not make any noise. He saw how Iwaizumi tapped his phone and suddenly Oikawa Tooru’s face appeared on the screen, all smiles and beautiful poise that Kageyama remembered. He hated it.

“Iwa-chan! You finally accepted my video call, why were you ignoring me?” Oikawa said with the same whiney tone that Kageyama had heard him use many times, especially when talking to Iwaizumi.

“You know most people would get the hint if someone is trying to hang up that is not the right time, but of course you make my life harder than it needs to be, Shittykawa.”

“You are still rude as ever, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa said, sticking his tongue out. “Now who could even be more important than your best friend?”

“Literally anyone else.”

“Iwa-chan!”

Kageyama couldn’t help but smile at the bickering, even if the pressure on his chest had stopped being pleasant.

“Ugh, shut up, I just ran into one old kohai of ours.”

“Oh, really?! Who is it? Is it Kunimi-chan, Kindaichi-chan, or maybe even Mag dog-chan?! I haven’t seen them in so long!”

“No, idiot, it’s actually your precious setter student.”

Silence for a little bit, and Kageyama could see how Oikawa’s eyebrows turned down after hearing that.

“Please tell me you are talking about Yahaba-chan.”

Iwaizumi shook his head, “No, try going a little farther back.”

And if it was possible, Oikawa seemed even more annoyed now. Kageyama thought it was kind of amazing how fast he went from smiles and rainbows to looking like someone had kicked his puppy.

“Iwa-chan, I swear if you mean who I think you mean, I will personally go to Tokyo to take you to the doctor because obviously you are not thinking straight.”

“You are such a jerk.” Iwaizumi said, tone deadpan. “For your information, he is pretty nice.”

Kageyama felt a little bit of warmth on his chest after hearing that.

“Ugh, ew, Iwa-chan. Don’t talk to me about Tobio-chan or I will get ulcers.”

“I am surprised you even know that word, but again, stop being such a jerk, Crappykawa.”

“And you stop shortening the insults!” Oikawa said, puffing his cheeks.

“Why did you call me again?” Iwaizumi sighed.

“Because I wanted to see your ugly face! But now I don’t care because Tobio-chan is in your apartment and the mere thought makes me want to gag.”

“Okay, I am out.”

“Iwa-chan, don’t you dare hang up on me!”

“Bye.”

“Iwa-chan, I swear—!!”

The call got disconnected.

Kageyama moved as quickly as he could and went back to his seat on the couch without tripping or doing something equally as stupid.

Iwaizumi appeared back in the living room, putting his phone in his back pocket, and smiling.

“Hey, sorry about that. Oikawa called, but it was nothing important.”

_Yeah, not important._

Kageyama could still hear the disgust on Oikawa’s voice and annoyance in his face when he was told his precious Iwa-chan was with him. It stung a little bit, but well, Kageyama was here with him and Oikawa was Kyoto. It didn’t matter, because he was here, and Oikawa wasn’t. He had the advantage in this situation, so he was going to take it.

“It’s fine, want to keep watching the movie?” Kageyama asked, pleasantly surprised at how even his voice sounded.

“Of fucking course! You need to become a wizard, muggle.”

“I feel personally attack.”

“You should, this is me personally telling you what an empty life you have been living without magic in your life.”

Kageyama smiled, “I guess you are right.”

The movie continued without a hitch, and they were already done with their food. The sky outside turning darker every minute that went by, and the weather turning colder in the apartment. Iwaizumi had taken their bowls and put them in the sink, turning the light in the kitchen off, and bringing a blanket from his room that he put over both of them. Kageyama was thankful for the darkness in the room because he was pretty sure his face had turned very red, and he had trouble getting the words out, but Iwaizumi had insisted on putting the blanket over them, laughing at his antics and telling him to calm down. It wasn’t like they were sitting extremely close to each other, but the mere fact that they were sitting on the same couch with a blanket over them just felt so domestic and Kageyama could barely kept it together, but damn it, he was going to try because he refused to end this night because of his darn anxiety.

_Deep breaths, Tobio. It’s just the perfect man sitting very close to you, nothing more. You can deal with it. You totally can._

“Hajime!”

Suddenly, the front door of the apartment opened with a strong bang. Kageyama jumped at the sudden outburst and Iwaizumi seemed to be completely unaffected, only turning towards the door to see who had come. A boy with ash blonde hair and black tips came in through the door.  He was wearing a sweater a little too big on him and some black pants, his strong sharp brown eyes looking straight through them and wearing an easy smile on his face while he turned on the light.

“Hey Eita! How is it going?” Iwaizumi said, turning to look at the boy that was still standing at the door.

“What the hell are you doing in the dark, eh?” The guy called Eita said, closing the door behind him and walking over to them. “Oh, who is this? Have you finally made other friends, Hajime?”

“Eita, this is Kageyama Tobio, used to be my kohai back in middle school. Kageyama, that guy right there is Semi Eita, my roommate and you may probably remember him as a player in Shiratorizawa, he was a third year on your first year.” Iwaizumi said, pointing at them.

“Shiratorizawa?” Kageyama asked, quite surprised to hear that Iwaizumi would be living with anyone who had gone to that school. After all, he knew how much they hated them.

“Ah yeah, funny how that worked out. I guess destiny thought it would be hilarious to make me share an apartment with one of the guys I spent three years trying to beat.”

“Irony is a bitch.” Eita smirked.

“Oh.” Kageyama didn’t know what else to say, so that was that. He had managed to speak more when it was only him and Iwaizumi, but now there was another person in the mix and his inability to have normal human interaction had come back.

“Well, don’t stop on my accord. I am tired as shit, so I am just gonna go to my room and crash.” Eita said, walking closer to them to fist bump Iwaizumi. “Nice meeting you, Kageyama. Goodnight, dork.”

“Oh, yeah, same.” Kageyama said.

“Night, jerk.” Iwaizumi smiled, seemingly used to the banter between them. “Don’t stay up all night texting Shirabu again.”

“Fuck you!”

And with that, Semi Eita disappeared from view.

“And that was one of my roommates.” Iwaizumi said, turning back to smile at Kageyama. “He is a delight. He is probably going to be in his room for the rest of the night, and my other roommate might get here later but he is probably not going to make any noise, so, do you want to keep watching the movie?”

“Hell yeah.”

Kageyama wasn’t sure how much time had passed, nor was he aware of his surroundings or what he was going to do tomorrow. He had school tomorrow and he didn’t have any of the material he needed for class and he still had to deal with the fact that Iwaizumi had seen him losing his freaking mind in the alley, and that he had taken him home, had taken care of his wounds and had let him stay till he felt better, and the fact that he had probably seen the scars on his wrist; but all of that stuff, everything that had happened in the last few hours came pouring right at that moment and he just felt the tiredness of it all. He was exhausted; exhausted of feeling like some sort of puppeteer pulled the strings on his brain and made him anxious about the smallest things, exhausted of feeling like he had nowhere to go, no one to trust and nothing to do, exhausted of the weight of all the problems.

But right then, at that exact moment, Iwaizumi was next to him. His presence a soft reminder that he was not alone and that he was sitting next to someone he never thought would give him the time of day, a reminder that this person had probably seen more than a lot of people in his life had seen of him and he had stayed.

Without realizing it, he started dozing off, which was weird considering he often had trouble to fall sleep, but suddenly, he had never felt more tired and the warmth emanating next to him lulled him to sleep.

He didn’t notice, but his head fell on Iwaizumi’s shoulder, and Iwaizumi smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!!  
> God, it's super late and I just finished this and I had to post it so I could breathe a little easier for a while. College classes start again tomorrow so I might be dying a little bit inside and I might have no life for a while, so I knew I had to finish this before I went back to school.  
> Anyway!! This might be my longest chapter yet- WOHOO!. At the beginning, I didn't know how to write it but then ideas came pouring into my mind and here it is! Bless Iwaizumi and his beautiful tender heart.  
> Also, if you couldn't tell, I am a total Harry Potter nerd (who is also a Slytherin, and we are not evil, f you) so I had to include it because I feel like Iwaizumi would know about movies and stuff, he is classy like that.  
> Also, I have a soft spot for Semi so I just had to include him too, and you will just have to wait and see to meet Iwaizumi's other roommate. Also, Oikawa! Lol, okay, I need to chill but I was excited of how much stuff I managed to put in this chapter.  
> Hope you liked this chapter! Thanks for all the support you have given me so far with this little story, I have no words.   
> Be happy, and see you next time ~~


	11. Illusion

The soft lift from the early morning came through the window, stirring Kageyama from his comfortable sleep, which had been one of the best sleeps he had had in a very long time, and slowly opened his eyes.

His body was covered in a soft blanket, and he realized he was laying on something firm yet warm, but the kind of warm that comes from something that was alive—like a body.

That woke Kageyama up real fast.

He turned around and saw that he had been laying on Iwaizumi’s shoulder. Iwaizumi who was sleeping on the middle of the couch, still sitting, with his face over his right shoulder looking away from where Kageyama had been sleeping on his left shoulder and his left arm over Kageyama’s shoulder. The usual strong lines over his face, lines that Kageyama had seen had started to develop way before he met him, had dissipated to leave a peaceful, almost happy, expression. The other half of the blanket covered his legs, and left his arms uncovered; probably, because most of the blanket had been over Kageyama, which he was 100% sure had been Iwaizumi’s doing.

The same soft light from the morning sun rested upon his face, and gave him a soft glow, which took Kageyama’s breath away for a second.

He had spent the whole night sleeping over Iwaizumi’s shoulder, and he felt so good. It was the first night in many days, weeks, even months, that he had not woken up in a cold sweat over a nightmare or had been unable to sleep altogether. And it had just taken one night, one night where he had been not alone, but more importantly with the man that plagued his dreams, for him to be able to sleep without worrying over tomorrow.

It was rather incredible how much effect Iwaizumi had in his life. He hoped he would be able to keep him in it; hoping that yesterday events had not scared him away, because it was one thing to wish for someone who was not in his life to be on it, but Kageyama wasn’t sure that he would be able to manage having had Iwaizumi’s presence and company in his life, having experienced the beauty of his friendship, and then that something would take him away from him again—Kageyama wasn’t sure he would be able to manage that loss, not when Tendou’s outburst and words were still so fresh on his mind.

It’s easy to say goodbye to an idea in your head, and that was what Iwaizumi had been to him—an idea; a perfect, unbroken idea that he had about a guy he had met 5 years ago, but now, he had spend time with him, he had laughed with him, he had cooked with him, he had played with him, and suddenly, that idea was not only an idea anymore, it was a reality, a reality he wanted to grasp and keep till he would let him.

He turned away from Iwaizumi and looked through his pocket for his phone—it was 8 in the morning. He had class at 10, and well, he wasn’t even sure where exactly he was; for all he knew, he could be on the other side of the city far away from his apartment and the things he needed for class.

Kageyama started thinking if it was worth it to go back to his apartment, considering he had to give himself at least an hour of travel, and get ready in less that 30 min. so he could run back to class.

His thoughts kept spiraling inside of his mind when he felt he couch subtly move beside him and the arm over his shoulder twitch.

And there he was. Iwaizumi Hajime on all of his recently awoken glory. His eyes moved in discomfort while he kept them close to prepared himself for the light, he yawned and slowly turned to look at Kageyama, who haven’t moved a muscle since he started studying him, and smiled. It wasn’t one of those bright smiles Kageyama had seen on him when he got a point for his team on a volleyball match, it wasn’t one of those smiles of reassurance he had seen him give to all his kohais when they did something good, and it wasn’t one of those smiles of acceptance he had given Oikawa-san when he said something stupid or acted like a child; no, it was a soft smile, the type of smile you only give to the person who sees you in the early hours of the morning because you are still too tired to comprehend your surroundings but aware enough that there is someone next to you. It was a smile Kageyama had never thought he would be able to see, and he knew he would have that image in his mind forever.

He smiled back.

“Morning.” Iwaizumi said, voice hoarse from just waking up. “How did you sleep?”

“Good.” Kageyama said, voice deep and still quiet in the early hours of the day. “How are you?”

“Good.”

It should have been awkward, to be speaking to someone you were completely enamored with but still knew so little about, and wake up next to them like you were lovers who just had happened to fall sleep on one of their weekly date nights. Kageyama felt how his hands curled into fists underneath the blanket and felt the subtle tremble on them. Kageyama was not uncomfortable, but that didn’t mean that he was not feeling the weight of the situation crash into him. I mean, anyone would feel their palms start to sweat and their heartbeat start to accelerate when they are sitting next to such a fine specimen—and goddammit, Kageyama was not an exception.

“Feeling hungry?” Iwaizumi asked still with his arm over his shoulder which was not helping with Kageyama’s pulse raising.

“I could eat. I guess our Hogwarts marathon only lasted one movie, and I am pretty sure I did not even finish watching.”

“I am disappointed that you will even think of falling asleep while watching Harry Potter, but I guess we will just have to do it again.” The arm around his shoulder squeezed once and suddenly Kageyama didn’t feel the warm anymore as Iwaizumi stood up.

Kageyama had to bit on the inside of his check to not let the whimper at losing that warmth, and at the prospect of doing a late night watching with Iwaizumi again.

“In my defense, I have been really tired lately and your couch is more comfortable than I expected.” Kageyama said with a smile and snuggled close to the blanket, which was really soft, and he should probably ask Iwaizumi where he got it because he needed to get one.

“Well, thank you I guess. I hope you like western food because that is the only thing we have right now—I really need to go grocery shopping.” Iwaizumi walked towards the refrigerator and started pulling out some eggs and milk. Kageyama hadn’t really eaten a lot of western food because his family was pretty traditional in that area—except for the milk, he loved milk—but compared to not eating or the apple he usually he had, he couldn’t exactly complain.

“I will eat whatever.”

“Cool.”

Kageyama could see Iwaizumi take out a pan and started to prepare what he assumed was some sort of eggs with veggies on it; which from the movies that Hinata had made him (forced him) to watch those awful American movies that for whatever reason he found amusing.

Kageyama just sat there and watched him move around, in a way mesmerized by the simplicity and normalcy of it all. They had cooked dinner together, fallen asleep watching a movie on the couch, and now Iwaizumi was cooking him breakfast. Had he died and woken up in a parallel universe where his life was not a mess?

“So, I know this might make you uncomfortable, but I can’t keep ignoring what happened yesterday.” He shouldn’t have thought anything, because of course things were not going to be easy, they never were. “Are you going to tell me what happened, or should I keep pretending that I either can’t remember or didn’t see anything?”

“Uh…” Kageyama felt the slight pressure on his throat and the warmth from the blanket didn’t feel safe anymore, and it felt more like a fluffy prison. The months of fighting his own mind and not playing volleyball had weaken him, both physically and emotionally. Maybe before, he would have snapped at being asked about his personal life as it was nobody’s business but his own, but he was exhausted—exhausted of hiding his feelings and letting his mind dictate what he would do, a part of him he didn’t like. “I suppose it’s not worth anything for me to try to deny it, right?”

“I guess you could, but I don’t think that would be very productive.”

The sound of the egg hitting the pan was the only sound that could be heard in the apartment, which was unnerving as Kageyama knew that they were probably not the only people at the apartment at the moment. Guess Eita and whatever other guy lived in here were either already gone or sleeping way too soundly.

Kageyama started playing with his fingers resting over the blanket, trying to think of how he could even start to explain what had happened to him without giving too much away. He wanted to tell Iwaizumi enough because he deserved that much after basically saving him, but he didn’t feel ready to share all his life story to someone he admired and cared for too much for him to scare away; no, he couldn’t do that, he couldn’t lose him, not yet.

“I’m sorry you had to see that…”

“Hey no, don’t do that.” Iwaizumi turned around to look at him for a second before going back to the eggs. “That is not why I am asking; I don’t want nor need an apology from you, I just want to know what happened, because I care about you.”

He cared, at least that’s what he said he did, but believing it was another thing altogether; one Kageyama was not sure he believed. He might care about the kouhai he had back in the day, but he could still not believe that he actually cared about who Kageyama was and what was happening in his life right now apart from the mere sense of commitment that he felt towards him because of those days.

“Hmm, there is not much to tell.” One, two, three breaths—one, two, three. “I had a rather unfortunate encounter with someone I have come to care about, and I guess I just lost control of my emotions for a little bit.”

Iwaizumi took the egg out of the pan and put it into a plate, turning around to put it on the kitchen island. Even though he was speaking to him, he wasn’t looking at him but at the eggs he had just prepared.

“Forgive me for my skepticism, but I have been on the wrong end of listening to too much bullshit when it concerns someone’s health too many times; so, I am going to have to just ask one more time if you are really alright.”

“Yeah, yeah, I am.” Kageyama tried to smile as reassurance, but of course Iwaizumi was not looking at him and his smile wasn’t that great to begin with, so maybe it was better that he didn’t see it after all. “Like I said, I lost control of my emotions, and that is it.”

Iwaizumi finally looked up and stared right through Kageyama. Now he was wishing he went back to not looking at him, as his stare just made him feel so exposed and vulnerable, and he didn’t like it.

“Sure.” Iwaizumi smiled, but it was one of those smiles that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and Kageyama didn’t like it. “Well, food is ready, so you might want to come eat.”

Kageyama put aside the blanket and walked over to Iwaizumi. The weight of sleeping on the couch sitting came crashing on his body like a cold shower and he had to stretch to feel remotely comfortable. There is a reason why people do not sleep sitting every day, and that is because your back will not be happy with you if you do that.

“You don’t believe me.”

He hadn’t meant to say anything, really. He had been planning to just tell him as much as he could bring himself to so Iwaizumi would stop questioning him and maybe move on from yesterday, but he hadn’t liked the fake smile that was send his way. As hypocritic as it may sound, he despised fakeness. He preferred that someone told him to his face how much they hated him than for them to pretend they were friends and later talk behind his back—the last one reminded him too much of the years he acted like a jerk and his friends starting calling him “King of the Court”, but he never found out about their true feelings till the day they left him hanging on the court, thus not only telling him how they felt, but also making them the bad guy in the eyes of everyone who was watching.

“It’s not that I don’t believe you, I just think there is more that you are not telling me—but, please don’t feel like you have to. As long as you are okay, then I am too.”

Ugh, Kageyama thought, it would be so much easier to lie if he wasn’t so freaking nice. Screw him and his kindness.

“I am okay.” Kageyama said trying to show his soft smile this time. “Now, let’s eat.”

Time seemed to move slowly when they started to eat. They had opted for not talking while they are except for the occasional “thanks for the food” and Kageyama asking exactly what was he eating (an omelet) and Iwaizumi explaining how his parents had worked really long hours when he was a kid so he often found himself at the Oikawa’s household—which of course he did—and Oikawa’s sister was the one who cooked for both of them and as she wasn’t a fan of spending a lot of time in the kitchen, she had taken on cooking western as it seemed to be faster, and he and Oikawa had just learned from it and actually started liking it.

The whole time that Iwaizumi talked about those memories he had a soft smile on his face and a glint on his eyes that Kageyama had only seen on him when he was on the court. He only seem to show this side when he was either with or talking about things he had done with Oikawa, and logically Kageyama knew he shouldn’t care too much—because of course he reacted that way, Oikawa had been and is an important part in Iwaizumi’s life, knowing him since they were both merely kids with silly dreams and their only problem was what game they would play tomorrow; but, Kageyama could not help the bitter taste it left on his mouth every time he saw how genuinely at peace and happy Iwaizumi seemed when he talked about Oikawa.

Oikawa who was the very picture perfect of success and power. Oikawa who had showed him what it meant to be a true force in the court that not only carried his team weight on his shoulders, but also helped them to improve and give everything they got every single game. Oikawa, who was always smiling and managed to be enamored everyone who even looked his way. Oikawa, who had everything Kageyama could possibly wish for: respect, love, friends, power, strength, Iwaizumi—and Kageyama hated him for it.

And he knew he was being unfair. He knew it. Oikawa had been an annoying pain in his butt throughout his volleyball school career, but he was also the one who had given him (begrudgingly) advice when he didn’t know who else he could turn to, and the one who had, even if he denied it till the day he died, mentored him to become the setter he had become. Oikawa was many things, but Kageyama knew he had no right to stop him from being with his childhood best friend; but, all the logic in the world could not stop the slight twitch in his left eye at the mention of his name.

When they were about done and Kageyama was thinking if it was worth to go to class, or maybe he should visit Tendou even if it meant being thrown out again, the door to the apartment opened.

A relatively skinny guy wearing clothes too big for him came in. He was looking down at the ground, and his black hair seemed disheveled from what Kageyama could only guess was the morning breeze outside.

He walked in quietly and slowly, and Kageyama was almost completely sure he hadn’t notice that Iwaizumi or he were sitting on the island with a perfect view of him.

“Akaashi?” Iwaizumi stood up slowly and walked over to the boy who had closed the door, but was still refusing to look up from the ground nor even moving a muscle.

Kageyama could only stare at the encounter, as he felt out of place. He still couldn’t see the person who had walked through the door, but if he was able to walk into the apartment without knocking, then the only rational possibility was that that guy was the other roommate that he had yet to meet; and for the looks of it, he was not in a good mood..

“Iwaizumi—” The guy said, finally speaking when Iwaizumi had reached his side and put a hand on his shoulder. His voice sounding hoarse and strained, like he had either not used it in a while or screamed really loudly. “I messed up.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I—I didn’t mean to do anything. I swear.” The guy finally looked up and stared straight at Iwaizumi. From his position, Kageyama could see how red the guy’s eyes were, like he had been crying. And suddenly the name clicked on his head as he remembered the calm presence of the setter in Fukurodani, Akaashi Keiji. The guy was an amazing setter and amazing at reading people, kind of like Kenma in a way, but way more comfortable around people than he was. Kageyama hadn’t spoken to him that much, but he knew of him and of his skills. It was kind of hilarious how Iwaizumi was living with people who had been part of their lives in their high school years. “He wasn’t supposed to see, and we weren’t doing anything—I wasn’t doing anything.”

The tone of his voice was desperate and Kageyama could see how his hands started trembling when he held onto Iwaizumi’s shirt as a lifeline.

Kageyama started thinking that he should really not be here.

“Akaashi, breathe, what happened?” Iwaizumi sounded so calm yet Kageyama could notice the hint of doubt and fear on his voice when he grabbed onto Akaashi’s hands and just held him there.

“Kenma saw us.”

All of a sudden, Kageyama felt the crushing weight of a tense situation just come over him. He didn’t exactly know what was happening, but by the look on Akaashi’s face it could not be good, and he had even mention Kenma’s name which made him even more nervous.

“What?” Iwaizumi voiced his confusion, and Kageyama thanked the gods that he was not the only one still in the dark—even if he knew he technically shouldn’t even be listening to him.

“I was with Kuroo—and Kenma came… and, oh god, Iwaizumi… I didn’t want to hurt him, I swear! I didn’t even think I was hurting anyone. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” With that, Akaashi started crying. His eyes filled with unshed tears while he grimaced and threw himself to hide his face on Iwaizumi’s chest. Iwaizumi, even if he had been surprised, only embraced Akaashi, while Kageyama could only see how his shoulders shook under the strength of his cries.

Kageyama couldn’t understand exactly what Akaashi was trying to say, but he did understand that for whatever reason, Kenma was hurt. Kageyama didn’t want to think of what it meant, he just knew he needed to find Kenma. He had been there for him when he was on the verge of losing his mind to another panic attack, and he would be damned if he let Kenma experience pain without someone by his side.

He stood up, went over to the living room, and grabbed his phone and his backpack. He needed to leave and find Kenma, and he needed to do it now.

The only sound in the apartment apart from his frantic movements were the cries and whimpers of Akaashi, who stayed in front of the door in Iwaizumi’s arms.

Once he had everything, he walked towards the door.

“Iwaizumi-san, I need to leave. Thank you for everything.” He said, his voice coming in a rush over how nervous and worried he felt over the situation, he just knew something bad had happened.

“Oh, yeah, okay. Do you—?” Iwaizumi started saying, moving slightly to the left and leaving the entrance free for Kageyama while still holding a crying Akaashi.

“I’m sorry, I need to leave. See you later, Iwaizumi-san.”

And with that, Kageyama opened the door and left in a hurry. Once he was out of the building he realized that he didn’t even know where he was and that he didn’t know where Kenma was either. He took his phone out of his pocket and texted a simple “where are you”, praying that he would answer.

Kageyama walked around aimlessly for a few minutes, without noticing how his feet had automatically been taking him back to his apartment, waiting for his phone to notify him of a new message. He had heard from Hinata that Kenma was a very private person by default, and that even if he decides to spend time with you in any way, that does not mean he would share his problems or any of his thoughts for that matter, as he just found it extremely unnecessary unless he trusted the person completely or it was something that had gotten out of his control. Kageyama knew by that description that he was probably not the best person to talk to him when he was hurt, but if what Akaashi had mumbled was true, then Kuroo seemed to also be involved in the problem and thus it would be pointless to ask him to check on Kenma.

Time moved by way too slowly and Kageyama could feel the creeping anxiety taking over. It was a new type of fear, as he wasn’t scared for himself, but he was scared for Kenma and what might have happened to him and Kuroo, and how Akaashi even fit into the picture.

He kept walking and the gods might have heard his pleas as he walked near the park by his house and saw a mess of blonde and black hair sitting alone on the swing. The sky had decided that today would be a perfect day for a summer rain and had started pouring over them both. Kageyama recognized that hair and he knew he had found Kenma.

He rans over to where Kenma is and is amazed at how he manages to not trip over his own feet, as he has been known to be quite clumsy.

“Kenma!” His voice is muffled by the rain, but he can see how Kenma’s head moves to the side as a sign that he had heard him, and manages to reach him. “Kenma, are you okay?”

Kageyama had always hated how some people ask someone who is in obvious pain if they were okay as it was a waste to ask something that you already knew the answer to and put the person in question on the spot, but he didn’t know what else to say. He hadn’t stayed long enough to understand what had made Akaashi come over and cried, and he still didn’t quite know if he was overstepping or exaggerating, but the uncomfortable feeling on his chest told him that he needed to help Kenma and he had never been one to stop and think.

Kenma turned his head to his left side where Kageyama was standing, and slowly lifted his eyes. His cheeks were wet, either from the rain or tears, Kageyama could not quite tell, and his eyes were red and puffy. Kenma had always been a slim guy, but when he was at court he had this presence around him that made him look taller and stronger; at the moment though, he looked fragile. His shoulders were hunched over, and he just looked tired, really tired.

“Hi Kageyama.” Kenma’s voice was so small and he sounded so lost. He was looking at him, but his eyes seemed clouded as he was in some faraway place.

“Kenma…” Kageyama didn’t know what to say. He wanted to help, but last time he had done that, Tendou had ended up screaming to his face and calling him things he wished not to remember; and sure, he knew Kenma was not like Tendou, but when someone is in pain, emotions tend to run high—he would know. “What happened?”

Kenma smiled then, well, turned his lips upward would be a better description as what he had done was in no way a smile. Smiles held happiness, Kenma’s only held pain.

“Do you mind if I stay in your place for a while? I just—I don’t really have a home at the moment.”

“Of course, come one, you are gonna get sick.”

Kageyama saw the little backpack at Kenma’s feet and extended his hand towards him to help him stand up. Kenma’s fingers were cold from the metal of the swing, and the weather outside, and Kageyama could feel the slight tremblor on them.

The walk to his apartment was short and quiet. Kenma kept his hands in the pockets of his oversized jacket, and his eyes were glued to his feet. Kageyama tried to think of anything he would be able to say to maybe try to make Kenma smile, but came up short—cheering people up was not his forte, and thus, he was lost.

They got to the door of his apartment after a rather awkward trip up the stairs, they should really consider installing an elevator, and Kageyama struggled with taking the keys out of his pocket as his hands had gotten sweaty from all the nerves of not knowing what to say or what to do; he should be used to it by now but the thought of disappointing someone once again made him feel bad all the same.

“Come in.” Kageyama said, taking off his jacket and throwing it on the couch. “Sorry about the mess.”

“Sorry for the intrusion, and thank you.” Kenma mumbled as he followed Kageyama inside.

“Are you thirsty or hungry?”

“No, thank you, I am fine.”

He did not sound fine at all.

“Okay then,” Kageyama continued as he sat on the couch and looked up at Kenma indicating for him to sit next to him “what happened?”

Kenma moved slowly, painfully slow, as he came over to the couch and sat next to Kageyama, still leaving a reasonable big space between the two of them, as if he was trying to make himself as small as possible.

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

Well, no. Kageyama was tired of letting people not talk about their feelings while he was trying to help them—God knew how much Kageyama wished he had had someone when he was struggling the most, and he wasn’t going to let another person in his life tell him how much he didn’t need help and then he would have to see them slowly killing themselves without being able to do anything—no, God, no. Kageyama refused.

“No.”

“Excuse me?” Kenma turned to look at him and confusion was written all over his face.

“I am not going to just let you bottle up all your problems. You are obviously not fine. I mean, people who are fine don’t just stay outside in the rain with a backpack looking for a place to stay; so, tell me, what happened?”

Kenma eyes had then started to fill itself with unshed tears and Kageyama felt like a complete idiot. He hadn’t meant to use a forceful voice, he just wanted to help.

“Kuroo cheated on me, okay?”

Of all the things he was expecting to hear, of all the things that Kenma could have said—that was definitely not one of them. Kuroo, the same man who Kageyama had seen with Kenma who seemed so happy and in-love, had cheated on Kenma? How and why?

And now, he really did not know what to do to help him.

He should have not asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY BEACHES (that is on purpose if you cannot tell, I don't curse), GUESS WHO IS BACK? That's right, it's ya girl back from the death!
> 
> Alright, first of all, I am so sorry you guys. You have been so patient, and I really appreciate it. As soon as the semester started I knew I wasn't going to be able write because - man, college is tough, okay? And I am almost at the end so it's getting extra tough as classes get harder and my motivation gets lower!
> 
> So, as soon as I got out, I went back to work and started working on this chapter, and I know it has been ages, but I really do hope you were able to enjoy it. 
> 
> I want to thank everyone else for their support and for just keeping this story alive and waiting for me, also, MERRY CHRISTMAS (delayed) and I will try to work on another chapter before school starts once again, and I start at my new job, and well- die. 
> 
> I love you guys, I couldn't have asked for better readers. You the best and deserve the best!
> 
> Be happy ~~✵✵


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